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Just need to vent

I'm ready to admit it.

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by , 10-28-2012 at 07:46 PM (620 Views)
Ok after vaping since last month, there have been some times that I was really proud of myself. I finally figured out that if I want an analog I could have one. I've stopped buying cartons of analogs. I use to go through 2.5 cartons a week. Yea I smoked all the time. I came to the realization that; I'm scared to lose them. I admit it. I get scared everytime a pack runs out. I know I don't have to buy another one but I'm scared to be without. I've thought about this since I started vaping. I'm scared to loose the crutch that took my Mother away from me when I was just 16 years old. I'm scared to loose the crutch that drove my own Sister away from me. I'm scared to loose the crutch that crippled my Father. I'm hoping that now that I realize that I can overcome it. For those who struggle and strain with quitting I understand. Yesterday is what finally hit me in the face. I went from the time I woke up and went to work with only 3 analogs. When I got home, I started drinking beer. The Woman I love more than life, her mom lives with us. She is not the brightest light in the room. She had a stroke and I allowed her to move in with us. It's my house, I can make these desiccions. I was an elderly care giver for my father for over 15 years. My own family does not know how I grew up with him. He was a ....... but he was still my father. Now I have no family except my Sister who does not support anything that I do. I still love her though. I will not take a persons parent away from them. Her mother treated her like a dog when she was growing up. I can't help but hate her for that. But I will feed her and help take care of her for my LOVE. Sometimes I smoke analogs more than I planned. Well a lot of times I smoke more than I want to. I have finally come to a time in my life where I understand what makes me keep them around. It's because I'm scared. Her mom smokes and I GAVE her some pv's to try and even took her to a B/M to find a juice she liked. Will she use them. Hell No. She wants everyone to die and be just like her. Now that I've admited that I'm scare of loosing my crutch maybe I can go on with life.
I just know and pray that others that read this will understand it's ok to be Scared. It's a fact of life. And if you need the crutch then allow yourself to have it. When I'm vaping I'm happy. When I'm burning I'm miserable. But then no one said that life was easy. If this blog helps one person then I did not waste my time here. I pray that everyone that has supported me through ECF live a long and healthy life. But I'll say it again; It's ok to be scared.

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Comments

  1. Robino1's Avatar
    I get the scared. I have almost a full carton of cigs in a wine fridge. I'm scared to throw them away. They are over a month old now and I still can't bring myself to get rid of them either by throwing them out or giving them away. Just having them there I think helps me by knowing if I really, really want one, it is available.

    Part of the fear is I was never successful in quitting before so why should this time be different. Maybe when I'm analog free for a year they will go bye-bye. Right now I'm enjoying thumbing my nose at them. Good luck friend!!
    tnt56 likes this.
  2. jfalbanese's Avatar
    fear has 2 meanings. forget everything, and run. or face everything and rise. as smokers, we usually prefer the former. which is why we inhale poison. say to our selves we know this is bad, but continue to behave the same way. it is learned behavior, dating back to when the Marlboro man used to visit me in between afternoon cartoons. at one time this stupidity was taught to children as we chowed down our breakfast cereals. now we are evil, for behavior taught to us by corporate America, and our own families. vaping is giving people the opportunity to rise above, and change for the better. i think the fear is worth it, at least to teach us never to repeat bad patterns so we never have to be afraid any more.
    tnt56 likes this.
  3. Vapoor eyes er's Avatar
    WOW I'm completely blown away by your honesty yet feeling like I want to reach out and help. Realize you'll always have family here at ECF and in particular MANY good friends that enjoy your posts and warm spirit. If you EVER need to vent, talk or just want to say Hello my pm is always open to you my good friend.
    Warm wishes and truly hoping the Best for you, Dan
    tnt56 likes this.
  4. hittman's Avatar
    I've been meaning to read your blogs for some time and finally did today. I can very much sympathize with your struggle. My first two to three years on the forum was a really rough time for me. Some can make the switch from smoking to vaping with ease and others like you and I struggle with it. After almost three years of guilting myself into depression over having a cigarette, I've finally found myself in what I consider to be a good place for me physically and mentally. I wish the same for you. I know it's a tough battle but you can do it. You just have to be willing to ride out the battle no matter how long it takes.