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Thread: Snail Tales

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    Default Snail Tales

    This is the story serialization of the ongoing and never-ending conversation in the Snails thread.

    PLEASE!!!
    Keep this a read-only thread.
    Do Not Post Comments here.


    Feel free to PM me if you like what you read, or come see us at the Response on threads thread here in the OUTSIDE.

    I'll post new pages as I write them, and thanks for reading!



    -deejman2k
    --gun-toting kitty of the apocalypse
    Last edited by Digimon2k; 08-24-2010 at 03:58 AM.

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    Default Prologue

    THE EFFECT OF GLOBAL WARMING ON THE COMMON GARDEN SNAIL
    (adapted for the page by Deejman2k)


    I am Deejman. Not quite as powerful as saying something like, “I Am Legend,” but that one’s already been taken.

    There are many who still to this day question my true name. To them, and to you my dear reader, I say, “You have but to ask. But it’s not important.”

    And indeed it is not. What is important, what is at the very core of this most needful of tales, is not what happens when a conversation begins. We’ve all taken part in conversations that begin, and we’ve been present when conversations end.

    The core of the tale I am about to bring to you, oh reader, is what if a conversation begins…and never ends?

    Fear, if you must, the tale you are about to read. Take comfort in the knowledge that you are only reading it, and pity those who fell into the grip of the conversation that would not end.

    Take heed, however! This tale is told in a mixture of 1st and 3rd person. Which is used depends upon my general mood at the moment and shall not be subject to gainsay.

    For I Am Deejman.


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    Last edited by Digimon2k; 08-24-2010 at 05:37 PM.
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    Default Chapter the First - Part the First

    It was a dark and stormy night. Not the common every-day lack of solar illumination, nor the typical atmospheric upheavals one commonly sees upon the Weather Channel.

    No, on this dark and stormy night, it was neither dark nor stormy. It was actually mid-morning and the sun was bright. But stories that start with, “It was a bright and cheery day” just don’t sell.

    “How would you feel,” she asked, “if you asked a question and nobody answered? Or simply acknowledged that you had even asked it? Everybody needs to know that someone’s listening. No matter how insignificant the question, couldn’t we at least acknowledge that person’s existence? Let them know that they belong to the greater family of humanity?”

    “Hey! How you doing?” asked the Joker.

    He couldn’t help it. It was, after all, his very nature. The very reason he was known as simply, “Joker.” It would, as we shall not so very soon see, be the cause of anguish. Or merriment.

    “But what if I don’t have an answer?” asked a curious passer-by. “Should I respond with a polite but useless reply that might prevent someone more knowledgeable from answering the question at hand?”

    “I didn’t ask my question looking for answers! I just wanted to get the point across that we should respond to someone’s question so they know they’re not being ignored!”

    “Oh! Look! A shiny nickel!” was all Angus had to say.


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    Last edited by Digimon2k; 08-24-2010 at 05:43 PM.
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    Default Chapter the First - Part the Second

    Angus was, after all, attracted by shiny things. Or so it would seem. He was, at least, ruggedly handsome according to Kat.

    Shortly thereafter, a free-for-all took place. One of those free-for-alls that are not unlike a group version of the free-association game some pseudo-intellectuals enjoy playing. And psychiatrists. It is said that psychiatrists also enjoy free-association, but whether it is to delve into a person’s psyche, or simply drive up billable hours, is a matter best left to others.

    Then, out of nowhere, a strong, clear voice stated, “I feel compelled to comment for no reason at all.”

    Her name was Lisa. Lisa of the piercing blue eye.

    “Lisa is here!” cried the Joker, “It’s all downhill from here.”

    “I just ate a chocolate Klondike bar.” replied Lisa, for that was her way. “What’s the topic, anyway?”

    Hearing her question, Jerry couldn’t help but be moved by the plaintive quality her voice took on as she spoke this simple inquisitive statement.

    Being the helpfully polite person he is known far and wide as being, he simply stated, “The effect of global warming on the common garden snail. It will be a conversation that never ends.”

    Kat agreed, despite Elendil's assurance that he could end it with a mere flick of a finger. Many to this day question Elendil’s true name. They do not, however, question the power of his finger-flicks.


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    Last edited by Digimon2k; 08-24-2010 at 05:45 PM.
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    Default Chapter the First - Part the Third

    And so the Conversation began.

    Jerry immediately petitioned Elendil for a flick of the finger, but his petition was blocked by Kat for reasons which were unfathomable to the gathered crowd.

    In support of Jerry, and flabbergasted at Kat's blockage, Lisa proffered a tale of a recent experience in a her water closet. At first this seemed to shatter Kat's resolve, but Elendil in his wisdom chose to withhold the flicking of fingers. This inadvertently gave Kat renewed strength to maintain her blockage. Little did anyone suspect the inherent and subtle irony imbedded within this paragraph.

    People in the crowd began to heckle and jeer. Lu (of Zambuca fame) strode through the unruly mob, proclaiming her intent to defend the Conversation from unwarranted endage. This seemed to cow the gathering throng into a sullen submission.

    Kat, in an attempt to regain control of the situation, proclaimed, "What is all this nonsense? Jerry and I were trying to have a serious discussion about global warming and common nails and how to best hammer them!"

    At this, a local tanner by the name of S. Hyde (it's not important) offered up his hickory-handled framing hammer as an effective tool for performing the finest hammering known to him.

    Kat pondered S. Hyde's offer, and asked, "But what type of nail do you use?"


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    Last edited by Digimon2k; 08-24-2010 at 05:46 PM.
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    Default Chapter the First - Part the Fourth

    This prompted the local tavern maid to ask, "Was that 'nail' or 'snail'?"

    "Either one will do!", replied Kat in her most withering tone. "Either one will do!"

    Jerry became confused at this point, but perhaps did not realize it, as he declared in a bellowing tone, "Let's get back on topic! How to nail snails!"

    Kat joined in with, "But be careful not to slip in the slime!"

    The crowd was shocked and awed by the obvious wisdom of this, and soon dispersed back from whence they came.

    Early the next morning, just after breakfast, Jerry suddenly sat bolt upright and exclaimed, "Of course! The topic is 'Do Snails Eat Nails'! Why didn't I see that before?"

    By the purest of impure chances, Kat was walking by at this precise moment, and echoed Jerry's query with, "Do they?"

    When Lu, from the Land of Zambuca, heard of this minor exchange, she could be heard murmuring, "No, I think they're herbivores." Lu was indeed wise in this matter.

    ***

    It is a sad but all-too-often happenstance that two personages of nigh-equal talents soon become adversaries. Such was the case with Kat and Jerry. Both equally gifted in gastropod affairs, theirs was not to be a long-lasting, jovial relationship.


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    Last edited by Digimon2k; 08-24-2010 at 05:47 PM.
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    Default Chapter the First - Part the Fifth

    Although history does not record who struck the first blow, let alone who shmushed the first snail, what is clear is that one day, Kat was seen speaking with Lu Zambuca of the New Yorkshire Zambuca clan.

    "Can you keep Jerry busy?", Kat asked.

    Before Lu of the Zambuca lineage could replay, however, Elendil appeared from one of those places only Elendil appears from and asked, "Can I help?"

    Sensing that Lu (originating in the Zambucal epoch) had lost interest in her, Kat quickly turned and entreated Elendil with the Jerry busy-making request. Choosing to exercise his rapier-like wit instead of his flicking fingers, Elendil asked, "But who is going to keep you busy?"

    Elendil is wise indeed in such matters.

    And although history does not record who informed Jerry of Kat's indiscretion, it is clear that Jerry did indeed learn of it. It is also clear that history is a rather poor recorder of events dealing with snails and never-ending conversations. Fortunately, I, your humble reporter, am willing to make things up as I see fit.

    "Thanks a lot, Kat! Here I am just trying to get the conversation back on topic, and you're trying to get everyone against me!"

    "Well, hello Jerry," Kat replied. "I heard that Elendil and Lu are looking for you. They have a mandate to eliminate snail slime from the town, and thought you would be able to help. Truly, a worthwhile project."


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    Last edited by Digimon2k; 08-24-2010 at 05:47 PM.
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    Default Chapter the First - Part the Sixth

    "Ah, yes! I did see a number of the little critters crawling around the ECF building. I shall get my hammer and make haste to join Elendil and Lu!"

    To this day, no one is precisely sure what the ECF building is, nor where it is located. What is sure is that it was indeed the target of a number of snails. What is also sure is that upon reaching the ECF building, Jerry found an unexpected and unusual situation.

    "These critters are fast! And they keep trying to bite me with their sharp teeth! Wait a minute! These aren't snails! These are...ARRRRRRRGH!"

    And with that, Jerry fell silent.


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    Last edited by Digimon2k; 08-24-2010 at 05:34 PM.
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    Default Chapter the Second - Part the First

    "Fortunately, I was able to duck into a nearby closet where I found some flammable cleaning fluid. I threw the fluid onto those...things...and then tossed a lit match into it. In the chaos that ensued, I was able to escape!", Jerry explained. (The astute reader may have noticed that we still do not know precisely what Jerry encountered. This shall be revealed soon. When I, your ever-faithful reporter, feel like it.)

    "Just one little problem, though. It set the ECF building on fire. I think I may be in a little bit of trouble. But that's not important. What is important came to me in a brilliant flash completely unrelated to the fire...should snail slime be an e-juice flavor?"

    This was a most important question that Jerry had just posed. E-juice, as is known throughout the intelligent world, is known for its antibacterial and virucidal properties when properly prepared. Flavored e-juice is the most highly prized of all e-juices. Snail-slime flavored e-juice was certain to be highliest of highly prized e-juices, and Jerry knew it.

    "I'm so glad you escaped, Jerry," Kat replied, "Perhaps we should send Elendil and Lu of the planet Zambuca to check on the fire. But this snail-slime flavored e-juice...HELP! HELP! FIRE!"

    As it happens, snail-slime flavored e-juice, if not prepared under the most stringent conditions, tends to be a bit oily and will clog an atomizer unit. This has the tendency of overheating said unit, hence the fire. History does not record this, but we all know about the shortcomings of history.

    "Perhaps while Kat is tending to her fire, now would be a good time to wrap up this conversation and put it to an end," Jerry mused.

    In this matter, Jerry was, although wise in the desire to end the conversation, acting alone. Conversations cannot be ended in that manner. Jerry would soon discover this.


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    Last edited by Digimon2k; 08-24-2010 at 05:47 PM.
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    Default Chapter the Second - Part the Second

    "So, I burned off my eyebrows, singed my arm hair, but managed to save your e-cig," cried Kat, "Don't you think I should have a say in ending this conversation?"

    "Very well," replied Jerry, "Since you saved my e-cig, I agree. Does anybody know when this conversation will end?"

    "Certainly not anytime soon." replied Kat. And in this matter, Kat was most wise.

    On a slightly tangential note, an e-cig is a device prized as highly as e-juice. It is the e-cig which allows the e-juice to be enjoyed by the cognoscenti throughout the land. And now, back to our story currently in progress...

    As Kat proclaimed that the conversation would not end soon, Nora Knotsewgud proffered an opinion thusly, "This is one of the most entertaining conversations I've eavesdropped on in a long time. Pray continue forever!"

    Little did Nora know that her request just might be really realized in reality.

    Lu of the Zam nebula in the Buca cluster did, however, know. She took it upon herself to warn Nora of Jerry and Kat's fell plan to end the conversation. Upon hearing of this, our intrepid Nora Knotsewgud took up the challenge of defending the conversation from endage. It was in this convoluted way that Nora ensured that her request would really be realized in reality.

    Seemingly out of nowhere, Kat turned to Jerry and proclaimed, "You are quite handsome!"

    "Thanks, Kat. I get my looks from the hamster side of my family," Jerry replied.

    "That explains your difficulty with snails! You have to get off the wheel before you can nail snails!" In this, Kat was most...

    (Is anybody but me getting tired of the "most wise" phrase? I mean, really! If everybody is "most wise", there's no room for foolishness!)


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    Last edited by Digimon2k; 01-30-2014 at 11:39 AM.

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