E-Cigarettes and E-Smoking Ruined My Life. [SATIRE]
As of late some very serious problems have come to light with e-smoking. I'm hoping that the well informed subscribers of this forum can help me and my wife return or house to a more normal status.
Problems, problems, problems. I don't quite know where to start but since I'm typing this on my MacBook lets start with it. When I use to smoke analog cigarettes there would be a mild, yet warming film across the screen of my MacBook to sully the glare of the screen. Since switching to e-cigarettes I can't seem to reproduce this and the images appear so life like I almost drank a pint of Guinness that serves as my desktop background. The internal cooling fans use to clutter and clack, so to know they where indeed working. I cleaned them shortly after switching and for some reason they are still clean and silent. How am I suppose to know they work? I feel this situation may be fixed by removing a fin or two from the fans themselves.
I am having similar experiences with my LCD TV though. I had a 10 minute conversation with Oprah about why and what she was doing in my house until a Massengill add finally broke the tension. I'm still waiting for an email from Sony, but I believe I may be able to smear Coke across the screen to produce an acceptable haze.
However there are some issues I can't seem to find solutions for. As with the walls in my bathroom. When my wife would shower without the bathroom fan on the steam would produce a lovely brown tie dye effect from ceiling to floor. Now everything is just white and blah.
Both my wife and I have Asthma, we have invested a small fortune in Albuterol, Singulair, and Advair. It has been 3 weeks since either of us has used or needed any of these products. With so many people unemployed and receiving layoffs I'm ashamed to discontinue purchasing them. Why should some innocent medical factory worker be left on the street simply because our lungs are not clogged by tar and various other carcinogens anymore. Well, actually if America would embrace and manufacture e-cigarettes I guess he/she could be employed again. Well, that's not right either... if America would embrace e-cigarettes enough to tax and tariff them they could surely provide he/she with one quarter of what he/she needs to survive. Hmm, I guess that issue could be resolved.
On to a more serious issue... Physical Effects. My tongue is always freezing! Without the 1/8" white coat of smokers residue on it I am FORCED to put my tongue under hand dryers in public restrooms or simply place it between my palms and rub vigorously. My tongue also seems to taste things, yeah I know, CRAZY, but it does. I use to eat or drink anything. When ever asked how a meal was I would always respond "Great.". By this I simply meant that it would easily generate enough bodily energy to continue normal functions until my next meal. I was never informed that food, all food, actual has a substance in it called flavor... wow. So where's the problem... now my wife says I'm a picky a**hole and wont cook.
The next issue still falls under Physical Effects, but has to do with my nose. Not to offend but did you realize, most people stink. It seems everyone out there has some sort of scented... shampoo, body wash, perfume, laundry detergent, fabric softener, deodorant, toothpaste, mouthwash, and/or lipgloss. People, not every scent goes together nor needs to be used at the same time. The problem, people have so many scents on them my eyes water. Don't even get me going on smokers, gag. I'm all for the romantic scent of a camp fire, but I never realized that I use to smell like the morning after everyone pissed on it to put it out.
New issue, Sleep! I use to be able to toss and turn all night, constantly wheezing for what I was sure would be my final breath. As a sufferer of sleep apnea my wife could only rest knowing my discomfort, as I'm sure is the case in most marriages. If it wasn't the tossing and turning should could always rely on my snoring, yep, that's gone too! What am I to do?
All kidding aside, the sleep apnea thing is not a joke. If I sleep or get turned over onto my back I stop breathing, well I should say "Use To"
Well, I could list more, lots more, but I feel you now have a taste of just some of the dangers involved with e-cigarettes and e-smoking. Hopefully there will be a ban in America and I can get my old life back.
Please share your experiences too. Together we can crush these life altering menaces and return to simply being outcast and unwanted by any healthy society.
Last edited by sdaniels; 03-18-2009 at 10:54 PM.
Hit the head on the spot for sure
Oh The Terror, oh the pain
E-smoking has ruined me.
First the guilt.
I was completely faithfull to tobacco for over 40 years. In sickness and health, for richer or poorer, you get the picture. After all this time I have abandoned her for another! I am consumed with shame and guilt!
Also I am considering actually cleaning the walls of my apartment. Do you know how much work this will be after 11 years of smoking the place up?
Nice, i actually giggled a couple of times while reading. Irony, satire and sarcasm are my fave real life humour tools, and i find it hard to convey even a single one of them on a monitor. You did well with all 3 of 'em XD
But I think too that e-cigs are ruining my life. I keep on forgetting important stuff, like going to buy my death-sticks. And i blame e-cigs for that!
Last edited by Smo; 03-18-2009 at 11:44 PM.
Rings oh so true.
I miss emptying and cleaning ashtrays. And trying to figure out how to hide the burn holes in the carpet.
I really miss burning the interior of my car specifically right above the driver side window.
Don't get me started on burns. 28 years without a single incedent regarding accidental burning. No holes in the sofa, clothing, or automobile. Then finally thank goverment, came the "Fire safe cigarettes". With their bands of ethylene vinyl acetate all was well. Forcing me to draw harder, and harder to burn each wall banded within the paper until if almost by force... well, actually by force, I could break through. But at least they're safe, they are right? What is ethylene vinyl acetate (EVA) you ask, well she's the lead actress in Disney/Pixars' Wall*E. But seriously no one really knows. Why? Because the combustion toxicity of EVA has not been studied to any extent, but the combustion byproducts do include carbon monoxide, big surprise and "hydrocarbons".
Ohhh, hydrocarbons. Hydrocarbons must be safe, they're listed as an "organic compound". Your absolutly right, we use an organic compound of hydrocarbons every single day, on our way to work, and on our way home... unless you walk or take a train, yeah that's right... you can't get away from BIG oil, your smoking in it!
But hold on now, don't get to exited. It has to be safer than an e-cigarette, I mean no one is trying to ban regular cigarette sales... right?
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