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Thread: Closed - Limit reached All NEW!! Weekly GotVapes Ultimate Contest Prize Giveaway & Chit Chat Hangout Thread, Come Hangout and Have Fun!!

  1. #91
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    A 25 year old man walks up to a pharmacy counter and asks for condoms. The clerk at the counter asks, "What size are you?" 25 man says "I didn't know you had sizes. I'm not sure." She puts her hand down his pants, feels it and gets on the intercom, "I NEED LARGE CONDOMS TO THE PHARMACY COUNTER, LARGE CONDOMS TO THE PHARMACY COUNTER, THANK YOU"

    10 minutes later a 50 year old man walks up to the counter and asks for condoms. Clerk once again asks, "What size are you?" 50 yr old replies, "I didn't know you had sizes. I'm not sure." Clerk "Well I'll feel it and get the right size for you." She puts her hand down his pants, feels it and gets on the intercom, "I NEED EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER, EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER, THANK YOU"

    Next a 16 year old boy walks up to the counter and asks for condoms. Clerk again asks, "What size do you want?" 16 yr boy stammers, "Gosh lady I didn't know you had sizes. I don't know what size I am." Clerk tells him, "Well I'll feel it and get the right size for you." She puts her hand in his pants, feels it and gets on the intercom, "CLEAN-UP AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER, CLEAN-UP AT THE PHARMACY COUNTER THANK YOU"
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  2. #92
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    If cars were like computers......

    There's a report that a computer industry honcho once said, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

    Well, if cars were more like computers...

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason -- and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

    6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    7. The oil, water temperature and alternator lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

    8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

    9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

    10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    11. All GM car buyers would be required to purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally (a division of GM) road maps, even though they neither needed nor wanted them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more.

    12. Every time a car company introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as those on the old car.

    13. You'd press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.
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  3. #93
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    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
    in a small town in Minnesota.

    With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
    jokes.

    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
    shouting, "Ive heard enough of your stupid a** blonde jokes! What makes you think you
    can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do
    with her worth as a human being?
    It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
    in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
    your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but
    women in general and all in the name of humor!"

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
    "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smart-a** on your knee!"

    "Laughter is never too far away from tears"



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    Courtroom Testimony:

    Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
    A: She is my daughter.
    Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

    Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?

    Q: ...and what did he do then?
    A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
    Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

    Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
    A: I could see his head.
    Q: And where was his head?
    A: Just above his shoulders.

    Q: ... any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
    A: The victim lived.

    Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
    A: By death.
    Q: And, by whose death was it terminated?

    Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
    A: I will be three months November 8th.
    Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
    A: Yes.
    Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

    Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    A: All my autopsies have been on dead people.

    Q: Were you acquainted with the decedent?
    A: Yes, sir.
    Q: Before or after he died?
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    Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked step mother won't let her. As she sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only 2 conditions... first, you must wear a diaphragm.

    Cinderella agrees. "What's the 2nd condition?"

    "You must be home by 2am. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

    Cinderella agrees to be home by 2am. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5am, Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and satisfied.

    "Where have you been?" demanded her god mother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter, something or other...."
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    ((hugs)) to all. better hit the hay. sleep well and stay warm!


    SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

    'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
    'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

    A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

    Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
    groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

    The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
    feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

    1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

    2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
    is incomprehensible to everyone else;

    3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
    possible later retrieval; and

    4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
    spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



    The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
    Masculine ('el computador'), because:

    1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

    2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

    3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

    4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

    The women won.

    "Laughter is never too far away from tears"



  7. #97
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    Movie Quiz to help pass the time:

    TRIPLE FEATURE

    The local movie house always runs a triple feature. Unfortunately, its marquee is too small to fit more than a few words. The manager has solved the problem by posting the first word of one title and the last word of another. Can you fill in the names of the three movies?

    Example: It __________ Plaid could be It Happened One Night/Night of the Living Dead/Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

    Logan's ____________________________ Throat

    The Man ___________________________ Minds

    Gone ______________________________ Winter

    The Good ___________________________ Graffiti

    The High ___________________________ Frankenstein

    Who _______________________________ Victory

    Dinner _____________________________ Sixpence

    A Star _____________________________ Tomorrow

    The Asphalt ________________________ American

    The World's ________________________ Street

    The Longest _______________________ Dead

    Sons _____________________________ Train

    Uptown ___________________________ Glory

    Georgy ____________________________ Joe

    The Bride __________________________ Sunday

    Mr. _______________________________ Passage

    The L- ____________________________ Hat

    The Cranes _________________________ Bravo

    The King ____________________________ Submarine

    They Died ____________________________ Bingo

    Love _________________________________ Porter

    3 _____________________________________ Thing

    Dr. ___________________________________ Blues

    Call ___________________________________ Nest

    The Loved _____________________________ Fountain
    Last edited by Poeia; 01-27-2014 at 05:30 AM.
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    Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy?" Mickey replied, "No, I didn't. I said she is ' Goofy!"
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