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Thread: Closed - Limit reached All NEW!! Weekly GotVapes Ultimate Contest Prize Giveaway & Chit Chat Hangout Thread, Come Hangout and Have Fun!!

  1. #81
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    Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifed from politics to cooking.

    "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

    "Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

    "You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -

    'Take a clean dish'".
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  2. #82
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    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... the wax.

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

    It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

    No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

    (Y A THINK!? )

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, "yeah... right!")

    I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

    It works!

    Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

    I can do this!

    Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With me next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

    I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to t he inside of my butt cheek.

    (Yes, it was a long strip)
    I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!!

    I'm blind!! Blinded from pain!. OH MY GOD!!

    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!

    Another deep breathe and RRIIPP!

    Everything is swirly and spotted.

    I think I may pass out... must stay conscious...

    Do I hear crashing drums??

    Breathe, breathe...

    OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

    I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

    Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX??

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

    I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.

    I touch. I am touching wax.

    CRAP!

    I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, wh ich I s now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

    Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

    I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

    DANG!!

    I hear the slamming of a cell door.

    "hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!

    Butt? Sealed shut!

    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

    What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax!

    I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??

    WRONG!!

    I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.

    Now, the only th ing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together a n d then glued to the bottom of the tub.. in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

    God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

    She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YE AH!! RIGHT!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

    While we go through various sol ut ions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

    By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... the lotion the give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

    I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!

    The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ens out of my friend.

    It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

    "IT WORKS!! It works!!"

    I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice t o my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!

    So I recklessly sh ave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

    I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    "Laughter is never too far away from tears"



  3. #83
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    i know them
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    "Laughter is never too far away from tears"



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    Think I got about 20
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  5. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by mattiem View Post
    I can answer most of them
    me too.......
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    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]

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    ANSWERS:
    1. John, Paul, George, Ringo
    2. Oh, my
    3. It's Howdy Doody Time!
    4. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand
    5. Wonder Bread
    6. Cassius Clay
    7. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
    8. Maynard G. Krebbs
    9. Why? Because we like you.
    10. A little dab'll do ya.
    11. over 30
    12. who wrote the book of love
    13. Absolutely nothin'
    14. the American way
    15. Joe Namath
    16. "cause I eats me spinach"
    17. Mary Martin
    18. is failure to communicate (“is a failure to communicate” is incorrect.)
    19. Richard Nixon
    20. Big John, Big Bad John
    21. On Blueberry Hill
    22. Wherever you are.
    23. Good night, Chet.
    24. pants on fire
    25. you're on Candid Camera
    26. he is us

    SCORING:
    24-26 correct - 50+ years old
    20-23 correct - 40's
    15-19 correct - 30's
    10-14 correct - 20's
    0-9 correct - You're, like, sorta a teenage dude?


    Actually, I got this about 10 years ago, so you should probably adjust the scoring ages.
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  7. #87
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    50+ sounds about right
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    Yesterday is gone-We are not promised tomorrow-Live today to its fullest.
    After 45+ years of smoking I have been Smoke free since November 13, 2011

  8. #88
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    A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

    While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

    On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

    The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."

    "Laughter is never too far away from tears"



  9. #89
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    A blind man enters a Women's Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

    The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things.....

    1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
    2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
    3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter
    5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler

    Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

    The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah....Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

  10. #90
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    One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye."

    The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.

    Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye."

    Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.

    He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you put a shot glass on that end of the bar, and I stood on this end, I could piss into it and not spill a drop."

    The bartender eagerly accepts, knowing the feat to be impossible. The man wobbily climbs atop the bar, zips down his fly and promptly pisses all over the bar. He zips up, sits down, slaps the $100 on the bar and laughs uproarously.

    "What's so funny?" says the barkeep. "You just lost everything you won and more!"

    Well," giggles the man, "I just bet those guys over there $200 that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn't get angry."

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