Contest! Starts 9/19/12

[Tempus Fugit]

OK, T wanted me to start a new contest. I'm in the mood for some good jokes. I KNOW you all have a favorite! Post it here in this thread as your entry to win! Remember, you are posting on ECF, so let's keep it clean and friendly. NOT clean or NOT friendly will be ineligible and removed. Of course anyone doing something like that wouldn't be allowed to win anyway, regardless of what else they post. Keep 'em coming too... Ms T likes to have her computer read posts out loud to her sometimes while she is working, and a laughing T is a productive T!

One winner will be announced in a few days. We'll update the thread as we get closer to the end. "What's the prize," you ask? Your choice! Pick either a Ms T-shirt or a Ms T's canvas bag! The T-shirt sizes available are listed on the website, and the winner will be able to pick what suits him/her when the contest is over. We look forward to that blissful soreness that comes from laughing too much and too hard!!

Here are a couple to get it started (but I can't win, obviously):

1. Two hunters are out in the woods when one clutches his chest, drops, and becomes completely unresponsive. The other hunter grabs his cell phone and calls 911. He yells to the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator responds, "Stay calm. First, we need to make sure he's actually dead." The hunter replies "OK", there is a pause, then a single gun shot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, "OK, he's definitely dead. Now what?"

2. My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.


Brandon
Ms T's Bakery

[Moody2]

So a lady walks into a bar on the 20th floor of a building. She starts drinking and a man walks up to her and says "Do you want to watch me fly" and she thinks "what a creep" and ignores him. So a few hours pass and no one has talked to her so she goes back to the guy and says "Ok, lets see you fly". So he takes out a flask and drinks from it, jumps out the window and starts flying, then comes back and she says "wow do that again" so he takes a swig from the flask and flys again, when he comes back she asks "can i try", she takes a swig jumps out of the window and falls 20 storys to her death, then the bar tender looks at the man and says "You know superman, your a real ....... when you do that"

[Led Hendriani]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law the other night. When I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,' they said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it!

[KnotGillty]

What's the difference between Bird Flu & Swine Flu?

For Bird Flu you need 'Tweetment'

And with Swine Flu you need 'Oinkment'

[starzz]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

[tofucute]

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

[Starlight682]

ok, i'll post my sons favorite joke (he's 4 )

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence ?

.
.
.
.
Time to get a new fence

[ISBN]

Question: What does a Leprosy Doll do?


Answer: You wind it up and it rots.

[Eagle Talon]

Hi Funny peoples!

the Church:
the place where in which there are people are preaching to the heavens, who had never been there. to people who never reaches there!

[thehangdude]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'