CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station

[eric]

Be sure to check out our website at: The Vapor Station - Ecigs, Eliquids, and Bitcoins

We're giving away a free iTaste 134 Mini - The Gatling gun battery mod - an $84 value!
The Vapor Station - iTaste 134 Mini by Innokin

Rules:
1. Participants outside the US must cover shipping if they win. Shipping will be covered for US winners.
2. No consecutive posts. You must wait til someone else posts before posting again.
3. No blatant bigotry. We're adults here, anything else goes, just try not to be overtly offensive.
4. Jokes must be typed out, no memes or infographics.
5. This contest is for an iTaste 134 Mini and does not include batteries, chargers, or other accessories.
6. Tell people about the contest! We expect at least 100 submissions. This contest is about jokes, fun, and, well, promotion. We hope you'll help us out on all accounts.

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Prizes:
1st prize: iTaste 134 Mini APV (The Vapor Station - iTaste 134 Mini APV by Innokin)
2nd prize: 30ml e-liquid of your choice (The Vapor Station - Eliquids)

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Due to downtime caused by ECF maintenance, we have extended the contest.

The contest ends on May 11th at 11:59 CST. We will choose a winner with 72 hours of the contest's end date. All submissions made after the cut off date will be disqualified.

 

[FranC]

Q: How does one human embryo talk to another human embryo?
A: It uses a stem cell phone.

 

[spartanstew]

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?








A: a carrot

 

[FranC]

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

 

[mac63]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign
in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA
and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services
...the United States Marines ... you know one of their nicknames is
"The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog
would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I
knew I wasn't getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down. I
retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters
and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded
a batch of medals.

I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff. He was in the
Navy!"

 

[FranC]

After trick-or-treating, 
a teen takes a shortcut home 
through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots 
an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” 
says the relieved teen. “What are you 
doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

 

[mac63]

Words with two meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee)
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male.... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally
to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a
fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a
family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while
out with this
one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking
beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment,
self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a
couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we
do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel
to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375
channels every 5 minutes.

 

[FranC]

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi.

“It’s taped under the modem,” 
I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”

 

[mac63]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few
minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot!
You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

 

[FranC]

An amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

 

[sungbd]

Q: What is the smallest room in the world?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: Mushroom

 

[mac63]

GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!


Dear Granddaughter:

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

 

[FranC]

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.

“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”

 

[mac63]

Help Line

Caller: “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

 

[_JB_]

"I've decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust."

 

[mac63]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS "
The pastor hollered out "GRACE." The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".

 

[eric]

We're going to extend the contest following the 2 day downtime for maintenance at ECF. See the OP for details.

 

[mac63]

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for myloyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a womanbehind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant?

So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her thatno, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the ‘Purina Diet’ again. I added thatI probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but thatI'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubescoming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a ‘Perfect Diet’ and the way that it
works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat oneor two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralledwith my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog foodpoisoned me.I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

 

[FranC]

My husband was driving 
home from work when he was 
pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Two days later—same ticket, same cop.

“So,” the officer said, “have you learned anything?”

“Yes, I have,” said my husband. “I’ve learned I need to take a 
different way home from work.”

 

[mac63]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke -Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration?
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service!