CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station

[FranC]

Six Dumb Questions Real 
Lawyers Asked In Court

“How many times have you 
committed suicide?”
“Were you alone or by yourself?”
“Was it you or your brother who was killed?”
“Without saying anything, tell the jury what you did next.”
“Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, 
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”

 

[Robert Cromwell]

Congress.

 

[mac63]

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[FranC]

Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand!

 

[mac63]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,
'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter Past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than arock. It means someone stole the tent"

 

[Ladybear]

School jokes
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, “Take only one. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

 

[mac63]

Late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked
their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old
secrets, when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was
going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the
village should collect firewood to be prepared. But, being a practical
leader, after several days, he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked,
"Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold", he was responded.

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more
firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again, "Does it still
look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to
be a very cold winter."

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every
scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely", the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is
going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen."

"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting a lot of
firewood."

 

[sungbd]

I know 10 facts about you:

Fact 1: You are reading this.

Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.

Fact 3: You just tried it.

Fact 4: You're smiling.

Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.

Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.

Fact 8: You just checked it.

Fact 9: You're smiling again.

Fact 10: You're goind to click "like" button.

 

[mac63]

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear
a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Marine is better than ten Isis
fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune
where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out: "One Marine is better than one hundred Isis
'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over
the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of
battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again: "One Marine is better than a thousand Isis
fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them
to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets
and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and
with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's
a trap. There's two of them."

 

[Dryadsoul]

A teacher is teaching her 6th grade class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying any attention, so she ask him,
"If there are 3 ducks sitting on a fence and you shoot one how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher ask, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two but I like the way you're thinking." Johnny ask the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking."

 

[mac63]

QUIZ :

Are you a male or female?
Not sure?
Have a look further down to find out...
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NOT HERE YOU FOOL!
I worry about you sometimes.

 

[FranC]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[mac63]

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: James, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, James slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. When the ambulance took the body away,
Ronnie said, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife’.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.’
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?’
'Jame's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says.
'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be James's widow.”
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.’
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.’
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

 

[FranC]

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

 

[mac63]

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I could complain to my local police about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 

[FranC]

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man? A. "How do you breathe through something so small?"

 

[sungbd]

Q: How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
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A: Terrier-fied!

 

[Dryadsoul]

A guy goes to the pharmacy to buy condoms. "Do you want a bag?" asked the cashier.
"No," The guy says, "She's not that ugly!"

 

[spartanstew]

Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”

 

[Dryadsoul]

Making love is like playing Bridge, it requires a good partner or a Great hand.