TexasT's Tall Tales
I have been meaning to do this forever and with so many new people that will soon get to know TT I thought it might be fun to give you all a glimpse of the man himself. So I started this thread and I am going to gather as many of his stories that I can find so that we will have them all in one place.
Last edited by salemgold; 09-26-2011 at 02:47 AM.
One of my favorites -
Hey Gramva, really glad you came by and I'm sooo sorry I was out for the evening and didn't get to yak with you a little bit. Looks like all these others did a pretty good job covering for me though. Hey, what's a classy lady like you doing way up there in that Illynoise? You sure sound like you belong right here in East Texas!
We were invited over to some friends house this evening and I pull out my Buzz with a Liquinator sitting on it because everyone else was smoking. Well, the host says they usually just do that stuff out on the back porch so they can keep an eye on the dirt road in case the Sheriff comes pokin around. And I knew I had to explain this thing and I knew it was going to be trouble.
So I show them the batteries in the Buzz and why its called a Buzz (I'll bet those wimmen asked me 15 times about why its called a Buzz) and my bottle of juice and my cartos and I explain the various carto filing methods like the condom method and what you can do with that little butt plug and the drip tip and stuff and by the time I was done explaining everything I could see all those nice ladies were in a dither or tither (I can't remember which one ...) and the whole conversation just went downhill from there and nobody wanted to play Scrabble any more.
So after that I pretty much stayed out on their back porch and vaped and did some cooking on the grill and kept an eye open for the Sheriff because I sure as heck didn't want to have to explain all that to him. And I was glad to finally get home where I could relax and vape and not have to worry about anything.
I never thought vaping would make me antisociabable but it sure seems to heading in that direction.
Anyhow Gramva, looking forward to chatting with you. These people on here are just full of stories and I can use your help keeping them in line.
Another one of my faves
OK time to tell why driipping is no good according to TT
Posted Elsewhere By TexasT
Well, I tried that there dripping business, but found out real quick I was unable to do it.
You see, I was only born with two arms and two hands. For dripping it quickly became apparent that you really need a minimum of three or you can't do it.
And talk about mess!!! I had that juice in my hair, all over my face, in my right ear and some ran into my left eye which left me bawling like a baby.
You gotta take the cap off the juice, then take the drip tip off the atty because if you don't you get straight juice in your mouth. Drip an unknown quantity of juice into the atty (its never the right amount) take two drags and hit the major UGH taste and by now juice is dripping off your right elbow, your blind in one eye, can't hear and your hair is glued to your head and people look at you funny.
You need one hand to hold the bottle cap, one hand to hold the juice bottle, one hand to hold the atty, you can pull out the drip tip with your teeth and your eGo you can stick between your knees while you try to hit the atty with the juice.
I was trying to do all this while driving my Ford 350 pick up truck in Houston traffic and was steering with my left knee and I didn't run into those people but I sure got their attention. Finally get everything put back together and take two puffs and back to the UGH taste and start all over again.
I guess dripping would be real nice if you had enough people immediately available to help with all this, but I'd have to round up all my neighbors to help and I don't have any neighbors out here in the country.
So I don't drip.
Originally Posted by TexasT View Post
Now that leads me back to that chicken. I still have it. And when its real hot outside ...
that chicken goes insane!
Somehow it will manage to climb up on the boat out there by the couch in the front yard and when I'm laying there contemplating the national debt and its affect on the Lemonade business, that danged chicken will dive bomb me!! I mean come flying off that boat and attack me!! I hate it!
But I'm ready for it tomorrow when it tries its funny stuff. I took the bug zapper off the porch and have it laying out there beside the couch. When that killer chicken comes after me tomorrow I'll jerk the bug zapper up real fast and she'll find out who the smart one is around here! Heh, heh. I'll be eating some micro-zapped chicken!
I'll let y'all know what happens!
So this afternoon I'm laying out there on the plaid couch by the boat in the front yard and I have the bug zapper from the front porch laying beside me and I'm pretending to be asleep.
But I'm not.
I'm fully alert and ready to spring into action at a moments notice ...
I see the insane chicken sneaking across the front yard trying to hide in the weeds ... but its useless ... I'm locked on him like a fighter jet radar system.
But I accidently dozed off ...
It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed raccoon, drawing me into its gnashing teeth. it was that danged chicken, clawing at the area between my legs.
She ( aka "the danged chicken") had been poised up on the boat and stalked me. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of an insane chicken and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The bug zapper I was holding bluntly impeded my ascent; my fingers on the left hand entered the bug zapper and the electrical impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My pants were down around my knees and wife told me I should be flattered.
Later up at the Coffee Shop, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me as for the reason my eyes were bloodshot and my left hand, fingers and groin area supported large bandages. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.
And when one of them asked if I wanted a fried chicken sandwich I began to cry.
If they had only known.
Priceless!! and there are so many more...just finding them is a chore..but they are all too funny! I just lub that guy!!
Thanks for the collection salem!!
I love reading these! I'm going to look and find some too. Salem - thanks for starting this thread.
Great thread Salem. Thank you.
Thanks for posting those Salem =) I can't wait to finally meet him !