A Smile for you

[Kelly79]

Clean the Mouse
How to clean your mouse...

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.

The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.

Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse.

Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse.

Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method.

Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive.

However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

[Kelly79]

How to Know where a Driver is from
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on accelerator:
California

With gun in lap:
L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game:
Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window:
Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road:
Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment:
Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car:
Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter:
Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia male.

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

Sliding all over the icy road with no idea how to stop: Military, stationed in Alaska driving in winter

Driving really slow having learned from above listed experience, even though the roads have been plowed and are no longer icy: Military, stationed in Alaska driving in winter

Driving a big ole' truck with a plow on the front, one hand on the wheel, one hand on the phone, cruisin' at an easy 55 and not phased by periodic stretches of black ice and ice fog so thick it looks like a chain-vaping convention: Alaska year-round resident

Sitting in the back seat wearing summer shorts and tank tops in mid-winter: An Alaskan on Vacation, taking a taxi.

[Mary Kay]

I was behind the blue haired lady just today!

Women's T-Shirt Sayings


Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Please don't make me kill you.

And your point is...?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

You KNOW you want me.

Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...

Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.

[Kelly79]

"How can I miss you if you won't go away?"

Oh Yeah! I love that one...that's how I feel about everybody...'cept my kiddos...I am NOT a people person lol.

[Mary Kay]

None of that 'Sis'-sy Stuff

Are you tired of those

sissy 'friendship' poems

that always sound good,

but never actually come close

to reality?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of

True Friendship.

You WON'T see

cutesy little smiley faces

on this card-

Just the stone cold truth

of our great friendship.

1.When you are sad,

I will jump on the person

who made you sad

like a spider monkey

jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!

2.When you are blue,

I will try to dislodge

whatever is choking you.

3.When you smile,

I will know youare

plotting something

that I must be involved in.

4.When you're scared,

we will high tail it out of here.

5.When you are worried,

I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse

it could be until you

quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6.When you are confused,

I will use little words.

7.When you are sick,

Stay away from me

until you are well again.

I don't want whatever you have...

8.When you fall,

I'll pick you up

and dust you off--

After I laugh my rear off!!

9.This is my oath...

I pledge it to the end.

'Why?' you may ask;

-- because you are my FRIEND!

***********************
Friendship is like peeing your pants,

everyone can see it,

but only YOU

can feel the

true warmth.

[beatlebandaide]

A laugh for today....

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions, he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, ****, this guy
has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go home."

I almost hyperventilated from this one! LMAO
I'm a children's counselor/case manager.

[Kelly79]

bumpity bump bump...Hey MK how do we get this thing stickied, it's the best.

[Mary Kay]

We will sticky it for a while, but you guys need to add to it!

[Kelly79]

When good ideas go bad...

Yep that's my baby, what can I say he loves frozen yogurt, too bad for him we got to it first lol.

[Kelly79]