A Smile for you

[bmacva]

It's Beth isn't it? Can I just call you that?

Yes, you certainly may!

Gotta go now...going to Wal-Mart...

[bmacva]

LOL I saw Lorena Bobbit on Oprah the other day. She said her ex still calls and leaves messages for her and sends her cards and flowers for Valentine's Day

I have to wonder what is wrong with him, that he still has contact with her...LOL!

[ShimmyPrincess]

16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares".. and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.."NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"


DISCLAIMER:
I have no personal knowledge of any of these

one word: THANKS

[Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah]

A laugh for today....

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children. 'You all have obsessions, he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, ****, this guy
has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go home."

[Mary Kay]

Thanks Beth, I get confused by a group of initals or letters.
Stay out of Wal-mart! Visit K-mart..lol

Love the new picture Shimmy! But quit encouraging Beth.

LOL Vicks Vap!

Silky, I passed by Mom's T.V. and saw Lorena on it. She looks happy now.
But I do wonder about her new hubby..what was HE thinking on his wedding day! Mary
************************************************** ****
Cat Joke
Two older ladies were shopping in the mall when Joanne smiled: "My cat can really play chess!"

With a shocking expression, Angelina praised Joanne's cat: "Really? It must be very smart!"

Just when Angelina finished her sentence, Joanne said:" Well... Actually, I don't know about that. I usually win three out of four times."

*********************************************
Dog Joke

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
**********************************************
Another Dog Joke
A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI.
"Well," says the personnel director, "you'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.

" Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "you must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual." With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

[Avid]

Have you heard about the new "Octo-Mom Breakfast" at IHOP?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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8 eggs, no sausage and somebody else has to pay for it.


(it was the best I could do. sadly, I never remember any good jokes)

[Mary Kay]

Avid, I liked that one!
Mary

The Census

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages. She said, 'Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Bill y, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four . '
'Hold on!' said the census taker, 'Did you get twins EVERY time?'
The woman answered, ' Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin.'

[sage]

THE HUMAN BODY

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[dawnlori]

OMG, I manage an off sale liquor store and now I'll be looking at the thumbs on every guy I wait on! What a SCREAM

[Mary Kay]

Hi DawnLori, From cold country I see! I spent a few years in Cheyenne..tooooo cold for this Florida girl!
What I want to know is how are you going to get those guys to let measure their thumbs!
Hi Sage, I have a dear friend who uses that screen name, but she doesn't smoke, drink run around or do any thing fun..lol
Mary