A Smile for you

[Grandma Cas]

Cas! Is that you? I almost didn't know you. You are beautiful!
I loved the joke..thats me without my little blue hormone pills.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Yup that's me in all my glory Mary Kay... Happy Thanksgiving to you & all our sisters over the pond...

Here's another little gem...

The Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[Ryle]

LOL.. I've heard that one before.. but It never gets old

[Mary Kay]

Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?



Answer:
A crazy Witch who WILL find you!

[Mary Kay]

The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturday s ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

[Mary Kay]

Two hunters are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.



The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."



The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."



The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.



They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them..



As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jumped in head first.



While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.



"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"



The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"



The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

[Mary Kay]

Silver in the Hair

Gold in the Teeth.

Stones in the Kidneys

Sugar in the Blood.

Lead in the Feet.

Iron in the Arteries.

And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.

We never thought we'd accumulate such wealth.

[rocketvapor]

Too true! I just got the results back from my recent physical - good to go on all counts!

My CBC was great, my cholesterol great, liver enzymes great, everything great, except my blood popped for allergies.

But...I don't have allergies. What gives? My blood work looks like I'm suffering from an allergy I don't have, yet my sometimes crappy diet didn't ring a single bell on the CBC-O-meter. Figures.

If I didn't have COPD, I'd probably live to be a hundred! How ironic!

BTW - I do enjoy a glass or two of red wine every night. Personally, I think this has a lot to do with my low cholesterol. Just sayin'...........

[Mary Kay]

Rocket..love the Avitar! Red wine..that's it! You stick to that story!
My daughter told me that her friends (many of whome I knew when they were young kids) Told he I looked "healthy " and wished thier parents were still around. That's scary to think that my peers are gone! I am only 58 not 85!

[Mary Kay]

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.



I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works, repeat offenders, probably not
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
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And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Hmmm.....Did I read that right?
************************************************** *

[Mary Kay]

Just click on the link below..

COFFEE MACHINE