A Smile for you

[Grandma Cas]

An English professor wrote the words
"A woman without her man is nothing"
on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote,
"A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote,
"A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything.

[Grandma Cas]

A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde; he immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know, he says, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know, says the guy, how about nuclear power?"

"OK, says the blonde. That could be an interesting topic. But Let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me,says the blonde. How is it you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s***t?"

[Mary Kay]

Cas! You had me laughing so hard I dropped my P.V.! It's your fault if it broke!

[Grandma Cas]

While every precaution is take to insure laughter & smiles, the poster of "This is for blondes everywhere" accepts no responsibility for damages incurred while reading their posts on “The Women’s Room” forum.

[Mary Kay]

Understood and accepted Miss Cas!

[bmacva]

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies. I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety. My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, I kin start emeditely. Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.


hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,
Bubba


PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.



Employer's response:.....


Dear Bubba,
It's OK, we've got spell check. See you Monday.

[Mary Kay]

Good Grief! My heart went pit a pat! As Dolly Parton said "I think I am in Lust!"

[mixxy]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.


God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.'

[mixxy]

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out.. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But! wait!! ! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and make it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into ! your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3.Keep learning.! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil'sfamily name isAlzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things..

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Life's journey is not to
arrive at the grave safely
in a well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways,
totally worn out, shouting
'...holy ..... ...what a ride!'

[Mary Kay]

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as



PINO MORE




I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE