A Smile for you

[MaryKay]

Sorry about all the topic posts but I like choices! I also love jokes and stories. This one has been on the net forever but it's good. maybe one or two of you missed it. Post some funnies for me too!
Curtain Rods
She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp,
a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping
and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during
which they had to move out for a few days.

In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked,
People stopped coming over to visit,
Repairmen refused to work in the house. .. The maid quit

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank
to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going
She told him she missed her old home terribly, and would be
willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed
on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...
but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and
within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as
they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new
home... including the curtain rods.

[MaryKay]

I wrote this a couple years back for My Brother-In-Law because he loves it when I pick on his big brother. Mary

Top 5 reason why I am going to Kill Mike:

5. He goes to the grocery store with me now that he is retired ...ugh. I come back with twice as much as I went for, none of which is good for you!

4. He now thinks we need to be joined at the hip, my hips are big enough as is, thank you! Too much of this married stuff will get us a divorce.


3. He has decided my kichen is an all day diner. I am used to one meal a day and a snack in the morning. I ran out of new ideas for food prep weeks ago!


. I can't get anything done, he wants me to work in the yard with him..or at least supervise and when we are in the house he is napping and doesn't want to be awakened. I'll give him awakened..permantly!


1.We went to Home Depot today. Mike had a list, Mike has a list for everything. Anyway we made our first stop for a pump sprayer to use to spray ant beds. Fine so far. Then we were off to find some replacement screws for my kitchen chairs, they keep coming off for some reason. We also got some lock tight so that they would stay put. After about an hour of comparing screws to every one on the wall (and of course he won't ask for help) we found some. Next on his list was mower blade replacements and a drive belt. Now we were one isle over from them when we got the pump sprayer, before we walked to the other end of the store for screws. Of course we couldn't figure out which ones we needed because there was no converter chart from Home Depot brand to Craftsman. By this time I was ready to scream. That's when I made the mistake of asking what else was on his list..you got it.. a washer for the sink that was 1 isle over from the screws , all the way across the store again! Did I mention that we had to go to the mower shop ACROSS town for the blades and belts? The same place I told him to go in the first place?


I am married to MONK! Who knew? He has to follow the list as written, no skipping around. Just wait Mr. Monk until I tell you I don't feel well and would you please go to the grocery store for me. I have the location of everything memorized. My list will send you from frozen to bakery to health and beauty to fresh veggies and back to frozen. That should wear your oc/ar butt out!
If you would please, start saving up the bail money now.
TIA (Thanks in advance)
Mary

[V-V]

I honest to goodness had never heard that first one before Mary, but I've used shrimp before like that. We used to play that trick on one member of our fishing group each trip. I liked to hid them in the hub caps, in the summer, in Florida.

[rejoice]

Isn't he cute!

[MaryKay]

I think I dated him..
V-V did the smell EVER come out?

[V-V]

Originally Posted by MaryKay

I think I dated him..
V-V did the smell EVER come out?

Oh yeah, once they started getting a whiff they knew they'd been had. LOL. I'd tell 'em where it was eventually.

Once the rotting shells are removed, the smell goes away.

[bmacva]

16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares".. and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.."NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"


DISCLAIMER:
I have no personal knowledge of any of these

[SilkyVapor]

Marital Bliss...

A husband and wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

The man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your butt really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

Karma is a beautiful thing

[MaryKay]

BMacva, I worked in a Wal-Mart, people do those things!! So it must be all your fault for reposting that list...
It's Beth isn't it? Can I just call you that?
Silky, I am surprised she didn't roast HIM ala Lorena Bobbit.
Mary

An Important Message

About Growing Old


*

*

Shoot


Now I Forgot What

I was going to tell you!!!

[SilkyVapor]

Originally Posted by MaryKay

Silky, I am surprised she didn't roast HIM ala Lorena Bobbit.
Mary

LOL I saw Lorena Bobbit on Oprah the other day. She said her ex still calls and leaves messages for her and sends her cards and flowers for Valentine's Day It really was a sad story from her point of view, I just wonder how her new boyfriend sleeps at night