Are You Caring For Someone with a Physical/Mental Disability?

[MaryKay]

Well I know I am not getting any younger and Mike and Mom wear me out!
Mike is a help most of the time, but he sleeps a lot. He has major issues with back pain and C.O.P.D. as well as a failing heart. My problem with him is to get him in out of the sun, then of course the rest of the day is shot! He likes to do yard work, ride the mower, weed eat, and clean up the yard. We have 2 and 1/2 acres so it's not a small job. He is a morning person so he will go out at 6 am and work until I start screaming at him (not really) at noon. His memory is pretty much gone due to all the drugs they gave him and are still giving him, so that's always fun.

Mom has alziemer's, she is missing the top lobe of her right lung from cancer and she has mild/borderline diabetes and high blood pressure.
She also has a 'trigger finger" what with everything else you wouldn't think that is the bane of my life..but she drives me nuts about it! A trigger finger is when the tendon that leads through a set of pully like loops inside your finger gets a knot in it or stretches out with wear and tear. The tendon connects to a hub in the center of your palm and allows you to open and close your hands..together or one finger at a time. Her right ring finger has gone south..I mean thst in every sense of the word. It points downward and she can't lift it unless you tape it to her middle finger. She doesn't like that.
We went to a hand /arthritis Dr. and he gave her cortizone in the tendon, it didn't work, so he said without surgery or therapy he couldn't help her anymore. Now she says he told her to get out!
He told her the chances of surgery doing any good at her age were nil and none due to the thinning of her tendons..he said they were more like stretched out rubber bands. She refused to go to therapy.
Now she has decided he was mean and refused to help her so she called another Dr. meanwhile she has lost the card case with her insurance cards.
Oh and did I forget to mention her crazy eyes? She had cataract surgery years ago on both eyes. It's failing, the tiny little threads or whatever that keep your pupil round and open have snapped in places. One eye pupil is like a cats the other pupil is like a goats. They are both collaspsing. She saw an eye Dr. and he went nuts over them and ordered more tests and wanted to send her to a specialist. She refused the tests. Now she claims the eye Dr. was a quack because her new glasses aren't good.
We go round and round about all this on a daily basis. It's like her thought's are hamsters in a wheel, round and round on a never ending cycle.
She hasn't seen the thyroid Dr. yet, not until Aug. I will be going from one appointment to another like her thoughts caught in a loop. She loves to see the Doctors..they all baby her. Then they make yet more appt's and send her to yet more Dr.s!

Sorry about the ranting..it's that or running away from what used to be my life.

[Kate51]

Mary Kay, It really is so sad sometimes how unfair things can get. Your Mom may be out of reach right now, maybe has been for a long time, but you are giving her a place, no matter what. I'm sure Mike knows how lucky he is, I get a kick out of your stories, and yes he probably knows he should be "offed", but that would be too simple for you!! And, you would feel guilty after. We just keep going, somehow. But some days you just gotta look up, and imagine somebody's up there smiling at you, so proud! You have problems of your own, would be nice if the tables could turn around once in awhile, but have you ever noticed, if you're not feeling well, they are always worse! Ha. Don't get it.
My first husband is the biggest jerk ever, he's made everybody around him nuts, including wife #2! She and I are very good friends, and I love his Mother to death, but one of us would have died had I stayed with him, and I think it would have been me. The stress of it all was so horrible, it still to this day 24+ years later it brings tears to my eyes. I stuck it out for 19 years, because I thought it was my duty. What an awful waste. Now I've got one that isn't too much better, but he was one hell of a salesman! (He would kill me if he saw that!) But at least now I have security I never had, and we do make a pretty good team, most of the time. He can't help be a Red Neck, though, I don't know why.....he knows absolutely nothing about women, and just won't learn!!
When you start feeling as if the air is being sucked out of you, just let me know, I could arrange for you to go to my ex's house for a change of scenery, it would make Mike look sooooo good again! And, you would HUG your mother! You would get a huge kick out of just sitting in the corner, watching! I'd come with you, just for a refresher course. We could vape, and have a few wines. I really miss my Mom, she was a tart! (Swiss, for capable, intelligent, independant woman!) Matter of fact, she was the one who told me that my second husband wasn't much better than my first, but a hell of a salesman! She liked him, too.

[MaryKay]

I wouldn't trade Mike for Tom Selleck..when Tom was young! Mike is a two time Vietnam vet, he's a man's man, fishing Hunting, playing cards and joking. He was a ladies man (before I married him). He doesn't get to be anything but nice to ladies now..his little spanish wife will kill him and he knows it!
What I was complaining about is that he doesn't know when to quit working! It scares me and makes me mad because then he sleeps the rest of the day away. He has always been a good husband, a firm but loving dad and treats me like a princess.
He was always a strong man, I once saw him pull a pine tree stump out of the ground by himself. It's so hard on him to realize he can't do what he used to. It doesn't matter to me, but it hurts him.

As for my mom..that's a different story. She wasn't what you'd call nice when she was young and age and illness hasn't improved her! Now she is just plain mean. It irks me to see her around her Dr. and my cousins..it's like she turned into Pollyanna in an instant. Then all the way home she rants about them. Day and night and I get stuck with the night side of her.
Yesterday I caught her on the phone trying to call a cab to take her back to Tampa! That's 100 miles from here. She decides about every other day that she needs to go home ans "check" on her house. What she means is if I take here back to see what all my daughter has done to the house (she has been fixing it up) she will plant herself down and refuse to come back. What am I supposed to do..pick her up? She is too frail and too mentally ill to be left on her own.
She called the hospital where she lost her health cards and told the receptionist that those boys behind the counter probably took her cards because they were watching her. The 'Boys" behind the counter were a 70 year old male volunteer, a security guard and a young hispanic girl who is the receptionist. I have since taken the phone out of her living room. (my living room, but she has it to herself as we use the family room)

Your hubby is like my first husband..but I only stayed with him for 3 years. Enough was enough! You are a Saint!
I do know I am very lucky to have a good husband, a mother who can't move fast..lol and great kids and grands. I don't think I would want to trade with anyone..who would put up with me! But it does feel good to rant in a safe setting. It keeps me in one piece.

[Kate51]

My daughter's husbands' Grandfather just celebrated his 90th birthday last Sunday, 300+ people showed up for the party! In fact I just saw him drive by, earlier! He is like your Mike, "Poppa Harold" loves cutting up and splitting firewood, recycles steel from old farm machinery, which he goes and picks up himself. A huge garden, raises heifers, LOVES playing Euchre. He only weighs about 135lb soaking wet and does still have a good back, but the man has had so many heart attacks and stents installed and re-installed. A couple of strokes as well. But everyone has to agree it's that "gotta do something today that makes me sweat" kind of personality that is really prolonging his life, and the quality of his life, so maybe that's Mike's salvation too, but pushing too hard would be a little reckless in your eyes. Harold eats well, and sure doesn't have to watch his weight, he just works it off. If he just sits around he feels worse. Hates Holidays. He said he is starting to get tired sooner now....what a guy. But the thing is, they live how they live, Harold has said many times it's gonna get me, it's gonna do it while I'm sitting or standing or laying down. Might as well be standing.
Your Mom, well, I guess its good she if doesn't move fast......hehe, what a clown. What do they say about familiarity?? Ya..Maybe just put a GPS transmitter on her and let her get out more! That it too funny, wonder what that cab fare would have been!! But, maybe she would have been glad to get back home and settle down for a couple days...Good Lord.
Just hang in there, I do think you should write a book, seriously!

[je_jooster]

...my DH suffered a spinal injury at work 3 years ago, initial injury made worse by inaction of workmen's comp insurance co. He's now on total disability. There is a website that has some excelent resource information for all different conditions:
www dot wellspouse dot org (can't post URL's yet.). They also have forums for information exchange, resources, etc...

[MaryKay]

Thanks Je! Post some more around the board so you can get your full member staus!

[MaryKay]

Update on Mom, she has lost 30 lbs! The new pants we got her because her favorites were falling off are now falling off! We bought them a month ago. (and they fit at the time)
Her Dr. is in full on panic mode. he wanted to know why haven't seen the thyroid Dr. yet? I told him when I called for the appointment, I told them she was losing weight and she's 85. Soonest they had was Aug. 16th or so. She'll be below 100 by then.
Her mind has really gone. Today when I asked what she wanted for lunch and gave her a couple of choices like grilled cheese..she asked me how I made grilled cheese. Puzzled, I told her the same way as always, but with swiss cheese for her. She said No! I mean how is it made, I forgot!
That was a scary moment! She told the Dr. that I think she has alzheimer's. He said, at your age you probalby do but the Thyroid is making everything much worse.
I am watching her very close, in case I need to get her to the hospital.
My neighbor is coming over tomorrow to check on her at noon and will stay for an hour or so, so Mike and I can go meet some people from this forum at the mall. A day out! I am looking forward to that even if no one else shows up!

[MaryKay]

Mom took her sleeping pill last night and fell out of bed while trying to get up for the bathroom. This morning she fell while trying to sit down in her chair. I have her use a walker, but she can't use it to sit down.
If she doesn't feel any better by morning, I am taking her to the hospital for an evaluation. The hell with this. I am not having her fall and crack her head open or if we try to lift her, break every bone in her back and arms. Mike almost collapsed himself from trying to get her back into bed, she may be 103 lbs. but it's dead weight when she's like that. She can't or won't help by locking her knees or using her legs.
Tonight she can have 1/2 a dose of sleeping pill. She will have a fit but oh well. She thinks she needs 8 hours sleep and also won't admit she hooked on them.

[MaryKay]

She's in the hospital. This morning I found her at the end of her bed. I last checked on her at 4 a.m., I got up at 10 a.m. and found her.
Anyway as soon as I found her I called Mike and we got her on the bed and called the paramedics. She fell alseep in the 10 minutes it took them to get there.
Her heartrate was very high and she was unresponsive. The paramedic counted her pills and determined that she had been taking only 1 a day. So in his opinion that didn't account for her heart.
The Dr. at the E.R. said she had some enzyme in her heart he was concerned about. No one had mentioned to him about her Thyroid and rapid weight loss. He asked me why she was bruised on her arms and sides. I explained this was the 3rd time she had fallen in 2 days. That we had to lift her from under the arms. He still fish eyed me.
As a result she is in the hospital so they can see what's wrong with her heart..she's 85, too thin and has several conditions? nah, that's too easy.
They are sending an internist to see about her thyroid and another to evaluate her..about time!
They didn't offer her a drop of water or food, until I pitched a fit at 5pm! They had the nerve to tell me she seemed a bit dehydrated!!!!
Mike has to go to the V. A. tomorrow morning and I have my younger grandson this week (for the opening of Harry Potter) so I can't get up to the Hospital until 1pm. I hope she is back from all her tests by then.

[MaryKay]

I finally spoke to her Doctors, The cardio Dr. said she had atrial Fibrillation (fast heart beat) Due to the Thyroid! Just what I said! She aslo said it would go back to normal as soon as her thyroid gets treated.
Her Primary Doctor said he would slow down her thyroid and get her on pulmonary care status (somebody would come by and use a nebulizer on her) he is also going to have her fed thru her IV and drip some liquid in her as she can't eat or drink at this point without choking.
We will see what happens from now on. If they decide to release her, if she needs bed care, she will have to go to a nursing home. Mike and I can't lift her or risk her falling. She doesn't do as she is asked and will soon do herself harm.