I decided to post some of this ridiculousness, so it's all in one place.
Hey fellow bananacrats,
I thought I'd share some of my priceless wisdom and knowledge with you. Very few have this cherished opportunity. You should be eternally grateful. It's not often that someone offers this kind of stuff for free. Those infomercials that tell you how to think positive, how to be goal oriented and whatnot, charge a lot of money for their programs. I, in my infinite and boundless respect for you, am sharing, for free, My secrets to a happy & successful life. So, without further ado, here I go...
First and foremost. Remember that this is not to be taken lightly. I would recommend encrypting this info. or printing it, deleting the original file and burying the info. in an airtight waterproof container, in the middle of the night, so as not to be seen. You may want to consider burying several decoys also, to throw off any nosy idea stealers. Or, you may try to attempt to memorize the info. and then swallow the paper. This might be a far more secure option. I find that when swallowing secret documents a spoonful of honey or jam sometimes helps. I once ingested 36 pages of my own diary because the info. was so valuable it could have had world altering effects if it had been discovered. I don't suggest this method for documents that big, because I was constipated for a week and I forgot everything I had swallowed. I don't know if the world could have handled such revolutionary and radical ideas, so it was probably for the best. You may think I'm rambling, but without your knowledge. I've secretly encoded most of the information that I want to share with you inside the text of this email. I know you, because of you're genius nature, have the intelligence and insight to discover this hidden treasure. I will give you one of the primary ideas behind my philosophy, and you should have no difficulty decoding the rest. Remember, this is a clue and a fundamental part of the information. Once you have the information, guard it with your life. If you somehow, whether intentionally or not, let this information loose upon this unsuspecting world. The results could be irreversible. I won't be held responsible! Well here goes...
Hold on a moment, I think a spy satellite is passing over head. They have hi tech infrared, microwave, ex-ray, capabilities. They can count the freckles on my left forearm from an altitude of 6 miles. I think you know the real story behind freckles, so I won't elaborate. I'll just say this -- connect the dots. All right, I think they're focusing their attention on my neighbor's herd of Llamas. Any word that begins two identical consonants in a row is a sure sign of an alien presence. I'm sure you already know this. Ask any alien and they'll deny it, but that is as certain of a confirmation as you'll ever need. Add this to the fact that in my numerous nocturnal discussions with the Llamas themselves, they've confirmed my suspicions by refusing to speak english. I know, I know, they're supposed native tongue is Tibetan. But as is common knowledge, they've had a universal translating device inserted in their ear and their refusal to speak with me confirms it. Add to this the fact that sweaters made from their wool are able to withstand cellular deconstruction and reconstruction
( teleportation ), I think you get the picture. Okay. I think I am currently secure from observation. Back to the subject at hand. Prepare yourself. Here you are...
Darn, the phones ringing. This is an obvious danger sign. I'm going to answer it. I know it will be a wrong number. hold on... O.K., it's as I suspected. Did you know that all wrong numbers are actually a warning? It's common knowledge, so I won't bore you with the details. I'll just say this. Why do you think I have cats? Really? Haven't you made the connection? I'll let you figure that one out. But consider this. The traditional phone ring and the purr of a cat have precisely the same rhythmic and tonal quality. This is not a coincidence! I know, this is all grade school stuff, so I won't explain any further. I know you get it, O.K., back to the issue at hand. I've closed the anti-observation units, or as the uninformed masses call them "curtains", and can conclude this transmission. DO NOT BY ANY MEANS UNDERESTIMATE THE SIMPLICITY OF THESE WORDS! Are you ready to delete and eat? Here it is....
FISH STICKS
Contact me and let me know, without any direct reference, if you got the message and will be applying said to your life and future decisions. I hope it's been helpful.
With all due lack of respect,
JDVorr
Hey fellow bananacrats,
I thought I'd share some of my priceless wisdom and knowledge with you. Very few have this cherished opportunity. You should be eternally grateful. It's not often that someone offers this kind of stuff for free. Those infomercials that tell you how to think positive, how to be goal oriented and whatnot, charge a lot of money for their programs. I, in my infinite and boundless respect for you, am sharing, for free, My secrets to a happy & successful life. So, without further ado, here I go...
First and foremost. Remember that this is not to be taken lightly. I would recommend encrypting this info. or printing it, deleting the original file and burying the info. in an airtight waterproof container, in the middle of the night, so as not to be seen. You may want to consider burying several decoys also, to throw off any nosy idea stealers. Or, you may try to attempt to memorize the info. and then swallow the paper. This might be a far more secure option. I find that when swallowing secret documents a spoonful of honey or jam sometimes helps. I once ingested 36 pages of my own diary because the info. was so valuable it could have had world altering effects if it had been discovered. I don't suggest this method for documents that big, because I was constipated for a week and I forgot everything I had swallowed. I don't know if the world could have handled such revolutionary and radical ideas, so it was probably for the best. You may think I'm rambling, but without your knowledge. I've secretly encoded most of the information that I want to share with you inside the text of this email. I know you, because of you're genius nature, have the intelligence and insight to discover this hidden treasure. I will give you one of the primary ideas behind my philosophy, and you should have no difficulty decoding the rest. Remember, this is a clue and a fundamental part of the information. Once you have the information, guard it with your life. If you somehow, whether intentionally or not, let this information loose upon this unsuspecting world. The results could be irreversible. I won't be held responsible! Well here goes...
Hold on a moment, I think a spy satellite is passing over head. They have hi tech infrared, microwave, ex-ray, capabilities. They can count the freckles on my left forearm from an altitude of 6 miles. I think you know the real story behind freckles, so I won't elaborate. I'll just say this -- connect the dots. All right, I think they're focusing their attention on my neighbor's herd of Llamas. Any word that begins two identical consonants in a row is a sure sign of an alien presence. I'm sure you already know this. Ask any alien and they'll deny it, but that is as certain of a confirmation as you'll ever need. Add this to the fact that in my numerous nocturnal discussions with the Llamas themselves, they've confirmed my suspicions by refusing to speak english. I know, I know, they're supposed native tongue is Tibetan. But as is common knowledge, they've had a universal translating device inserted in their ear and their refusal to speak with me confirms it. Add to this the fact that sweaters made from their wool are able to withstand cellular deconstruction and reconstruction
( teleportation ), I think you get the picture. Okay. I think I am currently secure from observation. Back to the subject at hand. Prepare yourself. Here you are...
Darn, the phones ringing. This is an obvious danger sign. I'm going to answer it. I know it will be a wrong number. hold on... O.K., it's as I suspected. Did you know that all wrong numbers are actually a warning? It's common knowledge, so I won't bore you with the details. I'll just say this. Why do you think I have cats? Really? Haven't you made the connection? I'll let you figure that one out. But consider this. The traditional phone ring and the purr of a cat have precisely the same rhythmic and tonal quality. This is not a coincidence! I know, this is all grade school stuff, so I won't explain any further. I know you get it, O.K., back to the issue at hand. I've closed the anti-observation units, or as the uninformed masses call them "curtains", and can conclude this transmission. DO NOT BY ANY MEANS UNDERESTIMATE THE SIMPLICITY OF THESE WORDS! Are you ready to delete and eat? Here it is....
FISH STICKS
Contact me and let me know, without any direct reference, if you got the message and will be applying said to your life and future decisions. I hope it's been helpful.
With all due lack of respect,
JDVorr
