I cannot express in words how happy I am that I found electronic cigarettes and smokeless tobacco since vaping leaves me yearning for something else. My mother had severe copd along with heart problems. A few weeks ago she had a heart attack so I packed up the family and drove to see her in the hospital. She was in the hospital for a couple weeks and was realeased. When I first walked into her room, she was wearing a bipap mask and I could see that she was struggling to breathe. You would think that sight would be enough to make anyone not smoke but not me. I fealt myself yearning for a smoke. A week after she was released, she passed away from heart failure that I was told was most likely caused because her heart wasn't getting enough oxygen which in turn was most likely caused by her years of heavy smoking. The morning at work that I got the call, even after seeing what I had, I started to cry and went outside and smoked a cigarette. To me it is purely evil how much of a hold cigarettes can have on a person. The following days leading up to the funeral and the day of, I smoked a few each day. Since I have gotten back home and into my routine, I'm doing much better. I can honestly say that I'll never go back to smoking full time but don't know if I will ever be able to say I'll never have another. It's funny to me how so many quit so easily with e-cigs but then there are the few out there like me that just can't seem to get past it. I quit guilting myself over it long ago and take it for what it is. I believe, after having done it to myself many times, that self persacution doesn't do anyone any good.
I am past the two year mark here on ECF and well on my way to my third and thought maybe it was time for another blog entry. I'm still using snus on a regular basis along with vaping. For some reason I have lost interest in nasal snuff and barely use any at all. I still have the occasional smoke but have come to terms with it. I know I'll never go back to where I was but I also wonder if I'll ever get to the point where I don't want any at all. I'm not going to stress over it. Life is too short to persecute yourself over the small things. I've been lucky enough to meet some really great people here on the forum and am thankful for the friendships that have developed.
I was thinking today that in a few months it will be two years since I started my journey to try to stop smoking. It was after about six months vaping and two months completely not smoking that I realized that I was still missing something and started sinking into depression. Luckily some of the senior members of the smokeless section heard my cry for help and led me to the smokeless forum and in turn to relief. Swedish snus and nasal snuff have been a god send for me. I have no doubt that I would have been smoking full time again by now had it not been for the intervention that took place. I now know that no liquid out there besides the WTA liquid that Dvap made contains the other alkaloids contained in tobacco that I crave and are left out of the liquids we vape. I still vape some to take care of the physical end of things but snus and snuff are what keep me off of the smokes for the most part. The past year and a half have been quite the roller coaster as I searched in vain for the perfect liquid and pv combination. The cravings and feelings of crawling in my own skin have come and gone many times and no doubt they will come again but I am better prepared now to handle them with a more complete arsenal of options.
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