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  1. This is a series of posts saved as one file

    okay, so sometimes...

    Okay, so sometimes my mailman comes early on Fridays, but only sometimes.
    So, I'm sittin' here drinkin' iced coffee, vaping away on a delicious Red Cow & my dog barks. Is it the mailman? I can't see the mailbox from the house. It's a couple hundred yards away and I live in the woods and it could just be deer moving that the dog hears. Then again, I better walk down and see. Nope, no package yet. But it's a nice sunny day and after a cool night the temp. has come up to a very pleasant 72 degrees and I enjoy being out. I'd run over to the post office in town but experience tells me that my stuff is in the truck already. So that would be a waste of time and gas. The ice coffee is very good with french vanilla creamer. I grind the beans and brew it very strong. I like my coffee like my vape. The dog wants out. Does he need to relieve himself or does he sense something out there? He's very attuned and his senses are far better than mine. If anyone would hear the mail truck, it would be Nelson the super beagle! Those ears are huge! I have a big cart refill planned for today, but can't get started until my new package arrives. There's a new USB PT in there and I don't have one yet. That will be nice. There should be pomegranate juice too! Haven't tried that yet. Okay. I should take Nelson for a walk. While we're out, we'll check and see if the mail is here. Nelson needs his exercise after all. It's good for me as well. I'll get another pot of joe brewing while we're gone. I'll take the garbage out too. It has to be rolled down to the road right next to the mailbox. I wonder if I could rig up a few mirrors in series that would allow me to see the mailbox from here? That's a thought. Might require cutting a couple trees down. Where is that darn leash? This battery is getting low. I better switch. The vaping just isn't as good on a weak battery. Can't wait for that PT! Perfect vape every time!?! What else is in that order. I should go on the website just to see. Oooh! Lots of goodies should be here soon! My 1st shorty and my 1st XL. Oh, I ordered more juice than i remembered! Several new flavors and extras of my favs! He usually comes by between 3 & 4. Did I mention that sometimes the mailman comes early on Friday?

    Okay, so the dog got his walk. he's happy. He even did his business pretty much on command so there is that. The garbage is out and that's more of a chore in the winter cause that bin on wheels doesn't like to move through the snow. Yes it's been plowed but it doesn't seem to help that much. I’m not at full speed because of a stupid hernia that will be operated on in April, which is one of the reasons I started vaping. Doc said a coughing fit might blow the staples out and ruin the surgery and I sure as hell don’t want to go under the knife twice! No, the mail wasn’t there yet, but I did get the echoland shopper in that little side mailbox they put up, I should advertise my old boat and get rid of it. I got a new fishing boat last spring and it’s awesome! Crestliner 1700 Fishhawk with the whole fishing package. Can’t wait to vape while I’m fishing. Can’t tell you how many bites I’ve missed cause I was lighting up! Okay now even the cats are at the front window. Something must be up. Could it be? Crap! Just a squirrel out in the yard. At least it’s not a skunk. Had a run in with one of those last fall. Was letting Nelson out and the skunk was right on the front porched! Sprayed Nelson, me and right into the house! God was that horrible! Haven’t seen it since. Don’t want to! Okay it’s 2:40 and getting closer to mail time. I was just down there 15 mn. Ago. Should probably wait a little longer. Maybe I should install one of those motion censor cameras with a closed cicuit feed right to my t.v. Then I could see the mailbox. But every time a car went by would it pop on? Maybe ifI installed IN the mailbox! Then it would only work when the mailbox door was opened. Now there’s an idea! Now the old walnut is functioning! Alright, I better go check again. Sometimes the mailman comes early on Friday.

    Deliver Me from this!
    Okay, so I’m Driving up to the closest coffee shop because I’m out of my favorite creamer and I just can’t have my coffee with out french vanilla. I love the stuff. I know you’d think a guy that lives in the woods and can bring down a bull moose with a pocket knife would take his coffee black, but I’m also a man of culture. So, I wander into Lakes Latte’ ready to order when I look into the seating area and spot--guess who? The mailman! Sitting leisurely sipping on a beverage, doing the crossword puzzle! Okay, so what’s a 9 letter word for “get off your ... & deliver my ecig order”? I know from previous experience that he’s not allowed to get the mail off the truck early, so I bite my tongue and take my java out to the Jeep. The mail truck is only about 30 yards away & I know exactly what the package looks like. I could be in & out in like 30 seconds! No, dude, you haven’t done any petty criminal activity in like 30 yrs.. Self restraint is the name of the game. Anyway, I just got an order on Friday. It’s not like I’m short on juice or anything. But I really want to try that sour green apple liquid. Maybe I could just look in the truck & see if the package is there. No harm in that, right? Get a grip on yourself, it’s only a few hours til delivery. You can wait. Besides, there’s errands to run and chores to do. I pull out my PV and take a few drags on some blackberry/cream cheese mix. I love this stuff! I’m above this kind of obsessive behavior. At least the medication is supposed to help me be above it. Back to the Jeep and crank up some Eels “Novacaine for the Soul” Now this rocks! I put a serious sound system in the Jeep because I spend so much time on the road for work. I’ve got the ipod on shuffle and I’m headed for the hardware store and the next tune is The Replacements “Can’t Hardly Wait” and I think that someone has a sense of humor! I laugh to myself and a woman walking by with her little boy looks at me funny and hurries past. I imagine her saying, “Now Timmy, don’t grow up to be like that strange man in the Jeep.”. It’s not my fault! Vaping has brought me to this point. Only the mailman can deliver me! Sometimes he delivers early on Thursdays.

    Alright, I’m back from my trip into town. I enjoyed the double shot latte but I stopped to get my french vanilla creamer & have a pot of the good stuff brewing. Vaping on orange cream from VV & perusing my purchases. I’ve had an on going battle with Dupa, my white long haired cat. She has found a way, no matter what I’ve tried to prevent it, to spill the freaking water dish every day for the past few months. Yes, I bought the supposed spill proof bowls. I put the bowls on a tray so she couldn’t slide them around. I put rubber things under the tray, so it wouldn’t slide. She still spills the water! She has a brain the size of a walnut and she outsmarts me repeatedly. Not this time! I purchased some long screws & some little doohickeys that will fit over the bottom edge of the bowls. I’m actually clamping the bowls to the floor! That’s how far this has gone! Oh, you think maybe I’ve gone over the edge? Well you try stepping in cold water with soggy cat food in it everyday for a few months and we’ll see how you handle it! I will not be defeated. I am the top of the food chain! I’m master & commander of my domain! Well, that is unless my GF comes over. But still! Okay so the battle of the water bowl is over and victory is mine! So what. I still haven’t received my order. Friday I got my order by 2:30. Normal delivery is between 3 & 4. There was no mail delivery yesterday, so today is probably a heavy day for Mr. crossword & coffee. Speaking of coffee, my pot is done. Mmmmm… coffee! Nectar of the gods! Juice of the sacred bean. Okay, whatever… I get a little carried away now & then. But I am enjoying it. Nelson the super beagle hasn’t even raised an eyebrow toward the window since I returned, which is a good sign that the mail is not here yet. But then again, sometimes I think he’s ......ed. (sorry if that’s not pc, but these are desperate times!) He still runs to the door every time that the doorbell rings in those stupid Jimmy Johns commercials! It doesn’t sound anything like my doorbell! So here I sit, held hostage by V4L & the US Postal Service. I am not a religious man but desperate times call for desperate measures! Lord, have mercy on this poor soul & deliver me from this!
  2. Sorry sportsfans, I’ve been too busy to post lately as the proverbial poop has hit the mythical fan.
    Maybe this will explain:

    Hold on while I cover my body with the slime from giant Indonesian sea slugs. I keep a kiddie pool full of them in the basement. Good, now I can communicate with out fear of vaporization. I'll send you a breeding pair if you haven't got some already.

    Log entry: 6/22/2010 13:00

    Okay, it’s raining again, and the Llamas have taken shelter within the mind generated force field, effectively cutting me off from essential intel. This wouldn’t be a problem, but this a critical time in the cycle. I haven’t been able to mow for 10 days and the crop circles have reappeared in the meadow! Don’t even get me started on dragonflies! I’ll just say this: micro-alien transportation!

    My only option at this point appears to be releasing the cats. They’ve been out of the loop for a while and I
    haven’t needed their services. Desperate times and all that… They’ve been strung out on catnip, playing floor hockey with some poor rodent & I don’t know if they are in any way mission ready. A can of tuna & threat of a bath should get them whipped into shape! They are the only ones capable of penetrating the force field. Let’s hope they can get the purr pitch in sync! The Llamas are deathly afraid of my feline operatives, as well they should be! I had hoped it wouldn't come to this.

    I’ve been out in the boat a lot this month. I can pass this on as it is properly coded. The fish ARE biting. Did you catch that? I knew you would. Please get this info to the big heads. They’ll know what to do with
    it. I’ve been harvesting the northern pike slime and have a sufficient amount for our purposes. I’ve been doing the field tests and have found a 96% effectiveness in avoiding detection. Although this is diminished by time and heat, as the smell coming off the body is easily detectable after several hours. Whew! Old One Eye the bass has been sighted on several occasions with the locator, but he won’t take the bait. I need that underwater recon! He may be working for the other side again. I may have to get the scuba gear out again.

    I’ve been refining the anti mind probe headgear. I’ve completed version 2.4 and it is the most effective to
    Date. I’m having some difficulty with the materials as the gold leaf doesn’t want to stay adhered to the rhubarb leaves. You may ask, “Why rhubarb?”. Well, do really think it’s a food!?! C’mon! It has one real purpose, and it isn’t to make a perfectly good strawberry pie taste like otter droppings!

    All right, hopefully this puts things into perspective for you. I’ve been under a lot of pressure! On top of all
    That, I’ve been remodeling the basement!

    Until next time, keep your eyes open and your fly buttoned and in the name of the sacred platypus, stay away from the hotpockets!

  3. Okay, so I’ve been enlisted by a particular agency (which I cannot dilulge) to do some intelligence gathering. This is due to the escalation of covert activity in this region. I will be posing as a mild mannered fisherman and spending the next 10 days or so on the water, in hopes of making contact. Nelson the super beagle has made it clear that going alone is NOT an option and has insisted on accompanying me on this mission. His cover is perfect. He will appear to be a normal dog basking in the sun (and getting the occasional belly rub) while using his fine tuned senses of hearing & smell to detect our objective. It may take a while. I will have to endure the catching of fish after fish, while waiting for our opportunity. As usual, I will man up and bear this duty like the professional I am. The sacrifices I make are sometimes tortuous, but I will persevere.

    The owner of “The Hot Spot bait & Tackle” is a retired op. And never bats an eye when I come in. He knows blowing my cover could spell disaster for the free world! I will report in as time allows. I know you’re eager to hear the latest intel and I won’t let you down.

    I’m currently reorganizing the tackle box and checking that all the super cool spy gadgetry is functioning properly. The digital fish scale/radiometer needs new batteries. The leatherman is clean and oiled. If you don’t know already ( I’m sure you do as you are well informed) a leatherman is the best piece of equipment in any good spy gear arsenal. The expoding rapalas are all ready for casting. The rods which double as antenna are in perfect working order. The aqua view underwater camera is ready to warn of a surprise subsurface attack. My fishing hat is armed and ready.

    Polarized sunglasses – check
    Fishing license – check
    Tasty beverage and snacks – check

    I’m off to serve my country & catch a few fish in the process. Remember to keep a wary eye & as usual, stay away from the Hot Pockets. Those thing will give you the ....s!

  4. Okay, so last night I’m out making my nocturnal visit to the neighbor’s llamas to check their
    Dung piles for the latest news. Nothing! I haven’t made contact in a couple of weeks and this
    Has me a little edgy. I think I’ve been spotted, but remember that the peat moss and owl feather
    Suit makes me undetectable. Whew! Poor prior planning and all that… Years of testing and countless
    ...... off nocturnal birds helped me perfect this method. It was worth it… well, it was worth it to me. Some creatures cane so touchy! Yeah the power drill/beaver tail thing might have been a mistake, but
    it’s all in the name of progress.

    As I’m making my way back through the mud pits, I come to a halt as an unfamiliar sound reaches my ears. What? It can’t be! Complete silence! Being “in the know” about these things, I remain absolutely
    still as it passes overhead. You guessed it! A completely noiseless, invisible helicopter has passed over!
    You may ask , “My good sir, how would you know if a noiseless, invisible helicopter flew over?”.
    Think about it for a moment. Figure it out? No? Okay, I’ll let you in on a very little known secret.
    Pudding skin! I know, it’s so simple that no one ever thinks of it! Now you will always know when
    they’re there. It’s my little contribution to your safety and security. You can thank me later.

    Right now I have to get back to Nelson the super beagle for debriefing. After several minutes of
    Security screening, Nelson is satisfied that I’m me and hits the valve switch that releases a fine mist
    from the showerhead above me. A moose urine shower is the best decontamination procedure in the known universe, except in Alaska & other places where there is a high moose population. Trust me. Don’t try it there! I still walk funny from that esperience!

    Nelson is waiting in the kitchen, looking up at the jar that I keep the doggy treats in. I take a beef basted milk bone out of the jar and eat it, as per procedure. It takes several minutes, but it has its desired effect.
    When I’m nearly unconscious, in my lazy boy, Nelson licks my hand. He now knows everything I do.
    Mission complete.

    Until next time. Keep the saran wrap handy and stay away from the chocolate pop tarts.
  5. Just a note of explanation about my OT posts:

    I am NOT on medication! Everything I share is completely natural & not chemically enhanced (unless you're picky enough to include nicotine, well that and massive amounts of energy drinks. Other wise, nada.... oh wait do flashbacks count? No, it's been 15+ yrs. since I did any of that stuff. What about... no, I don't think that applies here either. Anyway that rash went away!) There is nothing untoward in the water supply up here either. I should know. I maintain the reverse osmosis system myself!
    The additives I use are simply precautionary with minimal side effects. Nelson the super beagle drinks and he's fine. Although, I've noticed horn-like protuberances on his skull. That's just simple dog aging stuff right? And as far as wanting to vape what I've been vaping goes... That's just silly! I've developed a perfect formula for the sea level pressure, humidity and solar flare activity. It wouldn't help anyone not living next door to me. It's very geospecific. If you are finding my mission logs hard to believe, maybe you need to read more, do more research and open your eyes! It's going on all around you! Wake up people!
  6. I decided to post some of this ridiculousness, so it's all in one place.

    Hey fellow bananacrats,

    I thought I'd share some of my priceless wisdom and knowledge with you. Very few have this cherished opportunity. You should be eternally grateful. It's not often that someone offers this kind of stuff for free. Those infomercials that tell you how to think positive, how to be goal oriented and whatnot, charge a lot of money for their programs. I, in my infinite and boundless respect for you, am sharing, for free, My secrets to a happy & successful life. So, without further ado, here I go...

    First and foremost. Remember that this is not to be taken lightly. I would recommend encrypting this info. or printing it, deleting the original file and burying the info. in an airtight waterproof container, in the middle of the night, so as not to be seen. You may want to consider burying several decoys also, to throw off any nosy idea stealers. Or, you may try to attempt to memorize the info. and then swallow the paper. This might be a far more secure option. I find that when swallowing secret documents a spoonful of honey or jam sometimes helps. I once ingested 36 pages of my own diary because the info. was so valuable it could have had world altering effects if it had been discovered. I don't suggest this method for documents that big, because I was constipated for a week and I forgot everything I had swallowed. I don't know if the world could have handled such revolutionary and radical ideas, so it was probably for the best. You may think I'm rambling, but without your knowledge. I've secretly encoded most of the information that I want to share with you inside the text of this email. I know you, because of you're genius nature, have the intelligence and insight to discover this hidden treasure. I will give you one of the primary ideas behind my philosophy, and you should have no difficulty decoding the rest. Remember, this is a clue and a fundamental part of the information. Once you have the information, guard it with your life. If you somehow, whether intentionally or not, let this information loose upon this unsuspecting world. The results could be irreversible. I won't be held responsible! Well here goes...

    Hold on a moment, I think a spy satellite is passing over head. They have hi tech infrared, microwave, ex-ray, capabilities. They can count the freckles on my left forearm from an altitude of 6 miles. I think you know the real story behind freckles, so I won't elaborate. I'll just say this -- connect the dots. All right, I think they're focusing their attention on my neighbor's herd of Llamas. Any word that begins two identical consonants in a row is a sure sign of an alien presence. I'm sure you already know this. Ask any alien and they'll deny it, but that is as certain of a confirmation as you'll ever need. Add this to the fact that in my numerous nocturnal discussions with the Llamas themselves, they've confirmed my suspicions by refusing to speak english. I know, I know, they're supposed native tongue is Tibetan. But as is common knowledge, they've had a universal translating device inserted in their ear and their refusal to speak with me confirms it. Add to this the fact that sweaters made from their wool are able to withstand cellular deconstruction and reconstruction
    ( teleportation ), I think you get the picture. Okay. I think I am currently secure from observation. Back to the subject at hand. Prepare yourself. Here you are...

    Darn, the phones ringing. This is an obvious danger sign. I'm going to answer it. I know it will be a wrong number. hold on... O.K., it's as I suspected. Did you know that all wrong numbers are actually a warning? It's common knowledge, so I won't bore you with the details. I'll just say this. Why do you think I have cats? Really? Haven't you made the connection? I'll let you figure that one out. But consider this. The traditional phone ring and the purr of a cat have precisely the same rhythmic and tonal quality. This is not a coincidence! I know, this is all grade school stuff, so I won't explain any further. I know you get it, O.K., back to the issue at hand. I've closed the anti-observation units, or as the uninformed masses call them "curtains", and can conclude this transmission. DO NOT BY ANY MEANS UNDERESTIMATE THE SIMPLICITY OF THESE WORDS! Are you ready to delete and eat? Here it is....


    Contact me and let me know, without any direct reference, if you got the message and will be applying said to your life and future decisions. I hope it's been helpful.

    With all due lack of respect,
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