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I'm so peed off now I can't see straight. I work all day while the hens sleep. I, work, get home and the old woman,(who is the mother of the Lady I love more than life), is just gripping about what's for dinner and it has to be at a certain time. I'm sorry. I don't live on a time frame. I've been up for over 14 hours and all she can think about is her belly. She has things to eat that she can get. What ticks me off the most is that I can go all day at work without a analog, and when I get home the first thing she does is light a cigarette. Well that make me fail. Then I start smoking like I use to. I'm not making any headway with this.
When I go to my bores nest (my bedroom), she thinks something is wrong with me. If I go get a drink from the kitchen all she does is ask what's
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  1. Ok after vaping since last month, there have been some times that I was really proud of myself. I finally figured out that if I want an analog I could have one. I've stopped buying cartons of analogs. I use to go through 2.5 cartons a week. Yea I smoked all the time. I came to the realization that; I'm scared to lose them. I admit it. I get scared everytime a pack runs out. I know I don't have to buy another one but I'm scared to be without. I've thought about this since I started vaping. I'm scared to loose the crutch that took my Mother away from me when I was just 16 years old. I'm scared to loose the crutch that drove my own Sister away from me. I'm scared to loose the crutch that crippled my Father. I'm hoping that now that I realize that I can overcome it. For those who struggle and strain with quitting I understand. Yesterday is what finally hit me in the face. I went from the time I woke up and went to work with only 3 analogs. When I got home, I started drinking beer. The Woman I love more than life, her mom lives with us. She is not the brightest light in the room. She had a stroke and I allowed her to move in with us. It's my house, I can make these desiccions. I was an elderly care giver for my father for over 15 years. My own family does not know how I grew up with him. He was a ....... but he was still my father. Now I have no family except my Sister who does not support anything that I do. I still love her though. I will not take a persons parent away from them. Her mother treated her like a dog when she was growing up. I can't help but hate her for that. But I will feed her and help take care of her for my LOVE. Sometimes I smoke analogs more than I planned. Well a lot of times I smoke more than I want to. I have finally come to a time in my life where I understand what makes me keep them around. It's because I'm scared. Her mom smokes and I GAVE her some pv's to try and even took her to a B/M to find a juice she liked. Will she use them. Hell No. She wants everyone to die and be just like her. Now that I've admited that I'm scare of loosing my crutch maybe I can go on with life.
    I just know and pray that others that read this will understand it's ok to be Scared. It's a fact of life. And if you need the crutch then allow yourself to have it. When I'm vaping I'm happy. When I'm burning I'm miserable. But then no one said that life was easy. If this blog helps one person then I did not waste my time here. I pray that everyone that has supported me through ECF live a long and healthy life. But I'll say it again; It's ok to be scared.
  2. Since my last blog I just wanted to remind myself that this can be done. Came down with the flu about 4 days ago. Yea I tried to smoke like I use to when I got sick but it just didn't work. It seems to me that the vaping is more pleasure and crave curving than the ole analogs. I'm not completly there yet but getting really close. This place is fantastic. I just need to find the toy I love and go with it. Got a tank ordered in the mail and I'll see what kind of difference it makes. I went from 3volts on the vmax to 4 volts and it made a world of difference in vape,. I can;t take it first thing in the morning but I still got my 3.7 volts to handle the morning thing. All in all I;m getting better at this (after the flu goes away) I love this new hobby and I really need to get back to tieing my bracelets for orders. After all it is getting football season. Wish money didn't run out so fast. Till next time.
  3. Sorry this is my first blog, so excuse me if I ramble. I'm a creature of habit. I do the same thing every day and every night. I have my routine down and it works for me.
    When I woke up at 3am this morning to get ready for work. The first thing I have always done ever since I can remember is to reach for a analog. Better explain a bit. I have to wear glasses to see and at 3am you can guess that it's pretty dark outside. I reached for my 2 packs of analogs that always sit on the headboard of the bed. I found one of them then reached for the lighter. It wasn't there! In the dark I started just moving my hand over the top of the headboard of the bed. I can feel things being knocked off and hitting the floor. Finally turn the lights on and grab my glasses. The one thing that caught my eyes were the 3 pv's sitting on my night stand. Brain goes into a panic searching for my lighter. Desperation sets in and I grab my vmax. (The easiest to find and use when I first wake up). Start vaping stil looking for the lighter. l Finally give up cause the vape has given me what I needed. Start doing my morning routine still looking for the missing $1 lighter. After I get my first cup of coffee, it finally dawns on my. I had put all the lighters in a drawer in the kitchen the night before. Once I realized that I had done this for a reason, it finally occured that the first smoke of the day was nothing but pure habit. I could use my pv and still survive the morning. Doing this one little thing has proven what I've said in some of the forums. I CAN AND WILL DO THIS. I don't take the credit for this. I've learned so much from ECF that I really don't think I could have done that one little thing without the advice and support from this group. Like others have already said. "Don't count the ones you smoke. Count the ones you didn't smoke. When I set up my banner I made an adjustment for analogs that I might use through a day. This way I can look and see that Yes I am doing it. And after just this short time the difference is amazing. I no longer have to keep 4 packs in my car. I don't even remember when I put the extra pack in there. It's still there and still unopened. One day I know I'll finally toss it. But until that day comes I guess you could call it a pacificer for the just in case moment. The main reason for this blog is so that I can look back in a future time and see what all I've done. Maybe I can help others like others have helped me.
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