TT's Tall Tales

[salemgold]

I have been meaning to do this forever and with so many new people that will soon get to know TT I thought it might be fun to give you all a glimpse of the man himself. So I started this thread and I am going to gather as many of his stories that I can find so that we will have them all in one place.

Enjoy

 

[salemgold]

One of my favorites -

Hey Gramva, really glad you came by and I'm sooo sorry I was out for the evening and didn't get to yak with you a little bit. Looks like all these others did a pretty good job covering for me though. Hey, what's a classy lady like you doing way up there in that Illynoise? You sure sound like you belong right here in East Texas!

We were invited over to some friends house this evening and I pull out my Buzz with a Liquinator sitting on it because everyone else was smoking. Well, the host says they usually just do that stuff out on the back porch so they can keep an eye on the dirt road in case the Sheriff comes pokin around. And I knew I had to explain this thing and I knew it was going to be trouble.

So I show them the batteries in the Buzz and why its called a Buzz (I'll bet those wimmen asked me 15 times about why its called a Buzz) and my bottle of juice and my cartos and I explain the various carto filing methods like the condom method and what you can do with that little .... plug and the drip tip and stuff and by the time I was done explaining everything I could see all those nice ladies were in a dither or tither (I can't remember which one ...) and the whole conversation just went downhill from there and nobody wanted to play Scrabble any more.

So after that I pretty much stayed out on their back porch and vaped and did some cooking on the grill and kept an eye open for the Sheriff because I sure as heck didn't want to have to explain all that to him. And I was glad to finally get home where I could relax and vape and not have to worry about anything.

I never thought vaping would make me antisociabable but it sure seems to heading in that direction.

Anyhow Gramva, looking forward to chatting with you. These people on here are just full of stories and I can use your help keeping them in line.

TT

 

[salemgold]

Another one of my faves

OK time to tell why driipping is no good according to TT

Posted Elsewhere By TexasT

Well, I tried that there dripping business, but found out real quick I was unable to do it.

You see, I was only born with two arms and two hands. For dripping it quickly became apparent that you really need a minimum of three or you can't do it.

And talk about mess!!! I had that juice in my hair, all over my face, in my right ear and some ran into my left eye which left me bawling like a baby.

You gotta take the cap off the juice, then take the drip tip off the atty because if you don't you get straight juice in your mouth. Drip an unknown quantity of juice into the atty (its never the right amount) take two drags and hit the major UGH taste and by now juice is dripping off your right elbow, your blind in one eye, can't hear and your hair is glued to your head and people look at you funny.

You need one hand to hold the bottle cap, one hand to hold the juice bottle, one hand to hold the atty, you can pull out the drip tip with your teeth and your eGo you can stick between your knees while you try to hit the atty with the juice.

I was trying to do all this while driving my Ford 350 pick up truck in Houston traffic and was steering with my left knee and I didn't run into those people but I sure got their attention. Finally get everything put back together and take two puffs and back to the UGH taste and start all over again.

I guess dripping would be real nice if you had enough people immediately available to help with all this, but I'd have to round up all my neighbors to help and I don't have any neighbors out here in the country.

So I don't drip.

TT

 

[salemgold]

Originally Posted by TexasT View Post
Now that leads me back to that chicken. I still have it. And when its real hot outside ...

that chicken goes insane!

Somehow it will manage to climb up on the boat out there by the couch in the front yard and when I'm laying there contemplating the national debt and its affect on the Lemonade business, that danged chicken will dive bomb me!! I mean come flying off that boat and attack me!! I hate it!

But I'm ready for it tomorrow when it tries its funny stuff. I took the bug zapper off the porch and have it laying out there beside the couch. When that killer chicken comes after me tomorrow I'll jerk the bug zapper up real fast and she'll find out who the smart one is around here! Heh, heh. I'll be eating some micro-zapped chicken!

I'll let y'all know what happens!

TT

 

[salemgold]

So this afternoon I'm laying out there on the plaid couch by the boat in the front yard and I have the bug zapper from the front porch laying beside me and I'm pretending to be asleep.

But I'm not.

I'm fully alert and ready to spring into action at a moments notice ...

I see the insane chicken sneaking across the front yard trying to hide in the weeds ... but its useless ... I'm locked on him like a fighter jet radar system.

But I accidently dozed off ...

It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed raccoon, drawing me into its gnashing teeth. it was that danged chicken, clawing at the area between my legs.

She ( aka "the danged chicken") had been poised up on the boat and stalked me. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed.

Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of an insane chicken and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The bug zapper I was holding bluntly impeded my ascent; my fingers on the left hand entered the bug zapper and the electrical impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My pants were down around my knees and wife told me I should be flattered.

Later up at the Coffee Shop, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me as for the reason my eyes were bloodshot and my left hand, fingers and groin area supported large bandages. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk.

And when one of them asked if I wanted a fried chicken sandwich I began to cry.

If they had only known.

TT

 

[SecondChance]

Priceless!! and there are so many more...just finding them is a chore..but they are all too funny! I just lub that guy!!

Thanks for the collection salem!!

SC

 

[vaporgalinfla]

I love reading these! I'm going to look and find some too. Salem - thanks for starting this thread.

 

[kgj]

Great thread Salem. Thank you.

 

[salemgold]

I love reading these! I'm going to look and find some too. Salem - thanks for starting this thread.

Please do! There are tons and I can use all of the help that I can get with finding these

 

[Cassie]

Thanks for posting those Salem =) I can't wait to finally meet him !

 

[salemgold]

He is a hoot! Thats for sure. And he just lubs everyone! The man should be paid to write some of his stories though. I often read them aloud to hubby and we both laugh until we cry

 

[SecondChance]

Cassie, I can't believe you have not met the TT! He is a character ! One of the funniest and most loveable guys you will ever meet!! And you will grow to love him as so many here do!

SC

 

[salemgold]

Short Story-

And Gramva, that wasn't me that took that tractor. There's an old guy named Jack Schitt who lives down the road from me and he's the one that took it. I might have shown him how to start it though. Jack ain't real smart like me.

Oh salem, I'm sorry to hear your husband is catching your illness. I was afraid he would get suspicious when I came down with what you had, but now he has it too. That's terrible. And I feel bad you have to go to the store. Tell you what ... I'll run by there and you give me the money and I'll go to the store for you.

Trust me.

And Padre, I'm one of the hardest working guys I know. Gosh, I have to keep my wifes cartos filled too. But it is real nice of you guys to go to work and make sure I get my Sociable Securities check. Its a shame none of you are likely to ever see one of them, but at least you'll be happy in the knowledge of how much I enjoyed them. And have never had to hit a lick to get it. That's MY kind of job.

And I'm such a nice guy. Every evening when my wife gets home from her job at the Lube Rack I give her a nice back rub. She's already all oily and greasy from her job so its pretty easy except she has an awful lot of back to rub. Wears me out!

TT

 

[salemgold]

Hey y'all, there's my little brother SecondChance! Yahoooie!!

SecondChance was always the real smart one in the family and grew up and got him one of those G.E.D.'s from the State of Texas. We all figured he'd be a scientist or one of the astronaut guys or something. Instead he ended up being an electrical genius and he really knows all about those amps and volts and shocking things like that.

I can still remember daddy walking SecondChance to school and holding his hand.

They were both in the same grade.

SecondChance moved away from East Texas when he got out of his teens ... he was about 49 years old as I recall and went down to one of those big cities on down south. From there it was just fame and fortune.

Really glad your here for the party SecondChance and thanks!

Can I borrow three dollars?

TT

 

[salemgold]

Your absolutely right RippleInStillWater! Your welcome in Texas any time. My wife has spiked purple hair and wears wheels off of a '57 Chevy for earrings. Now of course she's a pretty big old gal and as for the hair, well, she was born that way.

But ever since she quit professional wrestling she's really mellowed a lot and around here we love our hippies. Heck, I even let my hair grow down over my shirt collar a little bit one time! Really!!

TT

 

[salemgold]

Dr.TT's advice for the aged:

Q: Where can men over the age
of 60 find younger, sexy
women who are interested
in them?
Dr.TT: Try a bookstore under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through
menopause?
Dr.TT: Keep busy. If you're handy with
tools, you can finish the basement.
When you're done you'll have a
place to live.

Q: How can you increase the
heart rate of your 60-plus
year old husband?
Dr.TT: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that
terrible curse of the elderly
wrinkles?
Dr.TT: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
Dr.TT: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
Dr.TT: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
Dr.TT: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
Dr.TT: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
Dr.TT: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
Dr.TT: "Gosh, I remember these!"

 

[salemgold]

Wow, I had to sit back and let some of this run its course. I know and love Perry Como, Dean Martin, 50's music (and a lot of 40"s too) and Country before it became Country Western, but I ain't jokin, some of those folks I just never have heard of down here in East Texas. I'm not even sure my radio would pick up their channels.

I did do some loafing today while my wife was at the Lube Rack. I fell asleep out on the porch on the upholstered couch in the warm sun. I was drinking some of cousin Enid's swamp juice last night and when I got up this morning my poor head wasn't feeling real good. Slept good until my wife's cat came by stomping his danged feet and woke me up.

Well, after I woke up I saw a nice looking hound dog out in my yard and a little bit later a city slicker pulls up in a new pick-up and called the dog. I walk over and stop him and told him that since the dog is on my farm, it belongs to me. After a few minutes of arguing, I proposes we settle the matter "country style."

"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," I says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the happy place as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."

Well, the city boy didn't like this but I guess he wanted his dog and he agrees and prepares himself. I hauls off and kicks him in the happy place with all my might. The city boy fell to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt and crying like a baby. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."

I kinda grinned and said. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the dog."

But I'll tell you, he's sure lucky my wife was at the Lube Rack working because she loves those hound dogs and he would have had a real fight on his hands. And its real hard to get a good grip on her when she's wearing those greasy coveralls.

Hey, I went up to the Coffee Shop to tell the old men about the city slicker and was watching the color television set and saw on the news about that cruise ship that everybody is having to eat Spam and Pop Tarts on. Boy, everybody in East Texas would like to be on that cruise ship.

I'll report more later.

 

[salemgold]

Okay, I'll tell you the truth.

For a lot of years I've been trying to figure out some way to get rich. I'd like to have me a lot of money and maybe buy a new trailer house and a color television set like they have at the Coffee Shop in town and a better motor for my boat and some snazzy mods for vaping. And some more Wyatt Earp.

Well, several years ago I was reading on the internet that folks way up north liked to eat turtle soup. And it hit me! We have turtles all over the place here! So I made up my mind right there and then that I was gonna raise turtles, sell them up north and get rich. Finally. I was gonna be rich!


Now I know all about raising cows but I didn't know nothing about raising turtles. Of course I knew I would have to fence some land to keep them in so I went out and borrowed money off my relatives and some other people dumb enough to loan me money in the past. It wasn't too hard to do after I told them what I was going to do with the money. I guess they figured they'd borrow money off me after I got rich.

So I'm out there in the hot sun building three strand barbed wire fence nine inches high to hold the turtles. That was back breaking work stooping over to build that fence but I finally got 90 acres fenced off. Then I started collecting turtles. I went all over the County trapping them in peoples ponds and all the lakes we have here in East Texas and hauling those turtles home.


The first thing I found out was that turtles don't breed real fast. Hell, they don't do nothing real fast. But after quite a few years I finally got the herd built up and was working at getting them fat. That took a while too. Turtles don't get fat real fast.

But anyhow, after a long time I had me a good sized herd of fat turtles.

Now the next problem I had was to get the turtles to the yard at the train station down in Center, Texas so I could get them shipped up north where they could be sold. I really gave this a lot of thought. Hauling them in a horse trailer wouldn't work because I couldn't haul enough at one time. Finally I decided I was just going to have something like a real old fashioned cattle drive only with turtles.


So I go to the Quick Stop / Wattaburger place in town and hired some boys that said they could ride horses and knew about herding cattle. And we did it. By one Monday morning we had all these thousands of turtles rounded up and it was a pretty sight. Turtles as far as the eye could see. And we started our turtle drive.

Well friend, we had been gone about a week and a half on this turtle drive and could still walk home for lunch every day. Those turtles were so danged slow. And when they get it in their head they've gone far enough they just get in that shell and don't come out and don't move until their in the mood. And they never seemed to be in the mood.


After eleven months we had gone 6 miles and were getting close to town. Now we had to cross that little river. Its only three feet deep in places, not much of a river. But. Sitting out there on a log in the deepest part of the river was an old girl mud turtle basking in the sun and showing off her attributes.

Then the worst thing you can imagine happened. My herd of turtles saw that girl out there on that log and stampeded trying to get to her. But my turtles had been raised on land and were fat and didn't know much about swimming and such and ran out into that river and they all drowned. Every one of them.


And that was the end of that. Now there's a nice ... what we down south here call a shell road across the river but the County would never give me any money for it.

And I'm still broke.

 

[salemgold]

So anyhow, I was still trying to think of some way of getting rich when I had this amazing idea!

I asked myself a question. It was this. Why do men get married? Well the answer is so obvious. So you have somebody there to eat that danged white meat when you have chicken for dinner!!! It hit me like a lightening bolt!!! Men just like the dark meat. If your not married there's nobody there to eat the white meat.

What we needed was a modified chicken. One with big, long drumsticks and thighs and little bitty white meat breasts. So I started breeding chickens and finally hit on it. Long legged chickens.

Now the first thing I had to do was build a fence to hold them so I took down my turtle fence and built another fence of three-strand barbed wire five feet high to hold the chickens. That was a lot of work out in that hot sun, but I eventually got it done and my chickens were growing.

There was only one problem. These chickens had long legs and they couldn't bend over to peck the ground. They were starving to death.

So here I go again. I had to build feed stands for them about four feet high so they could bend over and eat. But it worked and they kept on growing. Nice, long, thick legs!

Eventually my chickens were full grown and ready for market. I made arrangements for a place to clean and dress the chickens and package them and help me sell the meat. I was finally going to be rich!

And at first they sold real good but then women quit buying them because those long, frozen chicken legs wouldn't fit in a grocery sack and women had to put them on their shoulder and carry them home. Well the frozen chicken leg made their necks so cold they just stopped buying them.

And there I was stuck with all those long legged chickens. We ate chicken till I gagged on it. They weren't worth anything because when they laid an egg and being so tall, by the time the egg hit the ground it was broken. I went ahead and turned the chickens loose.

One day cousin Enid and I was sitting on the upholstered couch on the front porch when a pick-up truck came zooming down my dirt road. Well one of the chickens was out by the road and when that truck went by the chicken started chasing it and just a little ways down the road went past the pick-up truck! Well cousin Enid looked at that and jumped up, got in his truck and left.

When he came back he had fifteen dollars in his hand and offered to buy all my long legged chickens. So I figured "humm, what a dummy." So I sold him all my chickens for fifteen dollars! I had M-O-N-E-Y!!!

Well cousin Enid loads up all those chickens and hauled them up to the race track at Tyler, Texas and made a fortune racing them against Kawasakis and Corvettes. Today, him and his wife have one of those big double-wide trailer houses and new pick-up trucks and one of those big color television sets and a real nice couch out in the front yard.

But that's okay. Sometimes I sit here and think and other times I just sit here, but one of these days I'll come up with a good idea and I'll get rich.

 

[salemgold]

Oldie but goldie

LOL, you guys are tooooo much! I'm not even going to try to answer all these.

And y'all can't fool me cause I was looking at a map of New Mexico on this here computer and right there it was. Right there by Deming, New Mexico was Florida. They even have the Florida mountains right there too. So one of these days I'm gonna load my honey up in the back of the truck and we're gonna go to New Mexico and see vaporgal.

I'll have to come in the daytime though because with my honey in the back of the truck my headlights point toward the moon and I can't see the road good.

I was gonna go from there to the new Vape Lounge and I know its near Costco so I looked up Costco on this computer (I'm getting real good on this thing) and anyhow it says Costco is in Issaquah, WA. Davids been trying to fool me.

Now I know WA is Washington and thats where the President lives. Heck, even in East Texas we know THAT much. Gosh. What does David think we are? A bunch of hicks or something? Now, I'm not real sure on how to get to Washington from here, but I'm going to talk to the guys at the Coffee Shop and we'll figure it out. Those guys sit there and look at that color television set all day long and they know a lot of things. I'll be at the Vape Lounge!!! David or no David.

Oh, and I don't know what that Whitehouse sandwich is in Chicago but at the Coffee Shop they have a Cheesy Greaseburger that would make your mouth water. Now that's some fine eating right there.