I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
- Bob Newhart
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- Tommy Cooper
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- Emo Phillips
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg
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