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liblue1

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The Anxious Poodle
Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”
Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”
 
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spacekitty

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PHONE PROBLEM:

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog .... or the senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone
number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then
urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which goes to show that some problems can be fixed by pissing and moaning. :D
 
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mac63

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A student went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a great running back, but a poor student. At graduation, he didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma. The one question test was held in the auditorium and all the students packed the place. It was standing room only. The dean was on the stage and told him to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Sir, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." He said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Sir," he said, "How much is three times seven?" He looked up at the ceiling and the down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The Alabama students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!" Then he held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. He said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one." A hush fell over the auditorium and the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"
 

blivey

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Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
 
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blivey

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Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a toot when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her mod and continued vaping.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my mod doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Pegasus"
 

spacekitty

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This one is kinda old... :rolleyes:


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy.

Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began...
And that's the truth. :p
 
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mac63

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"Woman stops gator attack with a small Beretta pistol." This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? Here is her story: "While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana, with my soon-to-be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge twelve-foot alligator, that suddenly emerged from the murky water and was charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. "If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire ..25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection! "Plus ... The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun!"
 
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mac63

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Redneck Vacation

This year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years,
I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to
Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the
Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned
if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob , "So, what you gonna
do this year that's different?"
"I'm taking Earlene with me."
 
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blivey

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?"
 
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mac63

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A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in
lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He also notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.' Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?' The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?' The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?' The young man looks at his watch and replies:
'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
 
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blivey

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SMOKE WARNINGS MAKE MALES CRINGE

A Canadian study shows that smokers seem to have smaller penises,
due to the smoking.
Health Canada should take note of that penis study.
There is no doubt that news of reduced size and endurance, if properly
advertised, will end smoking once and for all in the male population...
of this man hath no greater fear.

New Cigarette Package Warning Labels.

* These cigarettes are king size -- and you're not.

* Smoking sections in restaurants aren't the only things getting smaller.

* If you don't reduce your smoking, your smoking will reduce you.

* Smoking may lead to ridicule on your honeymoon.

* Smoke rises -- you may not

* Second-hand smoke can be harmful to children -- if you were capable
of conceiving any.

* Cigarettes get shorter the more you puff -- so do you.

* How can you enjoy a smoke afterwards if there's no before?

* The only thing left after a smoke is a dead stub.

* Don't throw lit cigarettes in the urinal -- you might not have the
range to put them out.

* The longer the smoke the shorter the poke. . .

* Smoke it and see - the big C.

* Smoking is silly - it shortens your willy. . .

* Cigarettes prevent children.
 
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