I actually saw some graffiti that said "Heisenberg may have been here."
If I had been brave enough I might have added "Heisenberg was definitely here... or will be"
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I actually saw some graffiti that said "Heisenberg may have been here."
If I had been brave enough I might have added "Heisenberg was definitely here... or will be"
A preacher was making his rounds on a bicycle when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower.
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said,"Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
"How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said,"Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower.
The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I can't cuss. It's been so long since I became a Christian that I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
Just for the Pun of It
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's synching now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a ripoff!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's synching now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection. urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a ripoff!
Three vampires walk into a bar. "What can I get ya?" asks the bartender.
"Blood," orders the first vampire.
"Make it two," says the second.
The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
"Plasma," says the vampire.
"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."
"Blood," orders the first vampire.
"Make it two," says the second.
The bartender looks at the third. "What about you, buddy?"
"Plasma," says the vampire.
"Okay," replies the barman. "Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. Two bloods and a blood light."
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!
A panda walks into a bar and gobbles some beer nuts. Then he pulls out a gun, fires it in the air, and heads for the door. “Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!” Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, “Does anyone here own that rottweiler
outside?”
“Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?”
“Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…”
“What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your
little runt kill my rottweiler?”
“Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”
outside?”
“Yeah, I do!” a biker says, standing up. “What about it?”
“Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him…”
“What are you talkin’ about?!” the biker says, disbelievingly. “How could your
little runt kill my rottweiler?”
“Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog’s throat!”
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Oklahoma , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Oklahoma , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Oklahoma , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"Hasn't affected my brothers though."
I am just repeating this...I did not write it!
A 50 year old man and a 12 year old boy are walking hand in hand into the woods. The boy looks up at the man and says,"These woods are dark, even in the daylight! I'm scared!", to which the older man replies,"You're scared? Heck, I'm the one who''ll be walking out of these woods alone after dark tonight!"
Again, just repeating it.
A 50 year old man and a 12 year old boy are walking hand in hand into the woods. The boy looks up at the man and says,"These woods are dark, even in the daylight! I'm scared!", to which the older man replies,"You're scared? Heck, I'm the one who''ll be walking out of these woods alone after dark tonight!"
Again, just repeating it.
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying ......?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish ......'...
'What tis Irish ......?', she asked.
It's when you drop the ...... tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
I't wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!
''Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me there and then passionately on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
'What about trying ......?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish ......'...
'What tis Irish ......?', she asked.
It's when you drop the ...... tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
I't wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid!
Just terrible, doctor!
''Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye!
With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me there and then passionately on the tabletop!
T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex wasn't good?'
'Freakin' jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!
I'm an artisan broom maker. I hear 'em all. And, I've developed zingers for every one of 'em...
Brooms are better than vacuum cleaners. Brooms don't suck.
Brooms are better than vacuum cleaners. Brooms don't suck.
A reporter covering the Olympics asked a guy wearing some sort of track participants uniform, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The answer was, "No, I am German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
Do brooms fly? Yep. I know it from experience. I once suggested to my dear sweet mother-in-law that she fly on her's and her broom flew... cross the room and hit me upside the head. Still got the dent in my noggin.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife" said one of the troopers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!" said Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-pound King crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper smiled and said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."
"Oh my God!" said Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-pound King crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The trooper smiled and said, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
I recall my first time with a condom. I was just 17, and I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Erlichs Drugstore. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, not really."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. "Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on." she said. "We don’t have much time."
So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "Sure did, and held up my thumb to show her."
That's when she beat the crap out of me.
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, not really."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. "Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on." she said. "We don’t have much time."
So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "Sure did, and held up my thumb to show her."
That's when she beat the crap out of me.
Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter,
who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together
with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, then one day St.Peter comes up to her
with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
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