A Smile for you
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And I so relate to Pino More! LOL 
These are great and I need to be in bed....gee, who can I blame when I oversleep in the morning?????
These are great and I need to be in bed....gee, who can I blame when I oversleep in the morning?????
The husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director?"
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know
that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!
I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after
dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?"
His wife replied, "The funeral director?"
I liked that one Redhot.
When I was a young wife (for the 3rd time) Mike came home from work and I proudly pointed out the very clean house. He ran a finger across the top of the door frame (that I can't reach)and said "I don't think so" ( He was a master sgt in the A.F.). I smiled and handed him the dustrag and said "Now you do". He has been dusting for me ever since!
When I was a young wife (for the 3rd time) Mike came home from work and I proudly pointed out the very clean house. He ran a finger across the top of the door frame (that I can't reach)and said "I don't think so" ( He was a master sgt in the A.F.). I smiled and handed him the dustrag and said "Now you do". He has been dusting for me ever since!
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personalit y you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife,
XOXOXO
P.S. Your girlfriend called.
OMG these are all soooooo funny
. Some new & some old but, all gems in their own way.
Keep it up sisters, they tell me laughter is the best medicine & I believe it. Note to self---->must find some more funnies.
. Some new & some old but, all gems in their own way. Keep it up sisters, they tell me laughter is the best medicine & I believe it. Note to self---->must find some more funnies.
PARENTS RULES
PARENTS have the right to sleep. If you've promised to be home by midnight, they have no wish to be drinking gallons of coffee, pacing the hallway or climbing the walls at 2am, in a valiant effort stay awake & tell you that you are grounded for life.
PARENTS have the right to freedom from un-necessary worry. If it takes you five hours to nip down the shops for a comic, it won't occur to your parents that halfway down the road you decided to go to a rave instead. They will conclude that you have been beaten up, kidnapped, murdered, or a grisly combination of all three.
PARENTS personal appearances are their own concern. They don't need to be told they are out of step with fashion. They are well aware of how they look & wish to remain comfortable thank you. Any attempt to change them will result in a long winded lecture on sensible clothing. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
PARENTS have the right to be normal well adjusted human beings. They can change their minds whenever they like and fly into a rage without warning. On occasions, they can be stubborn, irrational, dogmatic and bloody minded. In fact, they can sometimes behave exactly like children, OK
PARENTS shall not be sneered at or in any way discriminated against for their opinions. If a parent takes the view that the latest pop song is not the 'best thing since "Rock around the clock," their opinion will be respected. OR ELSE.
PARENTS have the right to expect a little help from time to time. After having acted as your unpaid cook, cleaner, nurse, teacher, chauffeur, banker, and social secretary, it is not unreasonable of them to expect you to mow the lawn or take the dog for a walk now and then.
PARENTS have the right to understand the society their kids are trying to create. This means that they must be kept informed as to the meaning of any new words you have decided constitutes part of the English language, and the meaning behind them. Telling without an explanation that they, dis' you or asking for a 'high five' will only confuse them.
PARENTS have the right to enjoy their own home. Your bedroom might look like heaven as far as you see it but, they feel that living with an indoor cesspit went out with the dark ages. You may point out that it's your room and you can do what you like with it. A look at the rent book will show otherwise.
PARENTS shall have the freedom to make complaints about their children without fear of reprisal. The expression reprisal includes sulking, screaming, slamming doors, making a motion with the hand as if winding up a gramophone and threatening to throw yourself in the river.
PARENTS shall not be ridiculed because of their own inadequacies. They shall not be addressed in O-level French, grilled on the subject of the principal rivers of Australia, or be required to make head or tail of the New Mathematics. At public dances, parents have the right to throw themselves about in any manner they choose without being mocked.
PARENTS shall have the freedom to nag criticise, threaten, cajole, warn, scold, and offer gratuitous advice. They carry on in this boring way not because they enjoy it but because they have a duty to exercise their most precious right of all, which is:
PARENTS HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE PARENTS
Cas, since you posted parent rules, I'll post the pet rules.
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesnt help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats ..... I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You dont.
2. If you dont want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (Thats why they call it furniture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, its an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesnt speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Dont ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Dont hang out with drug-using friends
7. Dont smoke or drink
8. Dont have to buy the latest fashions
9. Dont want to wear your clothes
10. Dont need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesnt help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cats ..... I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You dont.
2. If you dont want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (Thats why they call it furniture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, its an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesnt speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Dont ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Dont hang out with drug-using friends
7. Dont smoke or drink
8. Dont have to buy the latest fashions
9. Dont want to wear your clothes
10. Dont need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
1. Don't give me grief, the toilet seat goes DOWN. I back up to it, you face it!8-o
2. I don't care how your Dad or Mom did it. It's my house and as long I am doing it, I'll do as I like. Unless you want to take over.
3. I am watching that show..do not flip the channel without asking. When you are watching sports I don't flip the channel.
4. Stuff costs more now then the last time you shopped. Back then it was cool to wear bell bottoms, man! Stop being a pill.
5. Running water over the dishes and leaving is not "doing the dishes". Do I turn on the riding mower and run it over the yard without lowering the blade?
6. Stop kissing the dog and patting me on the head!!
7. I have no idea what check # 2648 was for, and at 5am in the morning I DON"T CARE.
8. I cook ,you eat. Nowhere does it mention complaining about dinner.
You cook, I eat. So why do I have to hold a parade in your honor when you decide to pull out a pot?
9. Hitting you when you snore, is fair!
10. I am not complaining, it could be worse, hubby's 1 and 2 and your first wife come to mind. Love you...
2. I don't care how your Dad or Mom did it. It's my house and as long I am doing it, I'll do as I like. Unless you want to take over.
3. I am watching that show..do not flip the channel without asking. When you are watching sports I don't flip the channel.
4. Stuff costs more now then the last time you shopped. Back then it was cool to wear bell bottoms, man! Stop being a pill.
5. Running water over the dishes and leaving is not "doing the dishes". Do I turn on the riding mower and run it over the yard without lowering the blade?
6. Stop kissing the dog and patting me on the head!!
7. I have no idea what check # 2648 was for, and at 5am in the morning I DON"T CARE.
8. I cook ,you eat. Nowhere does it mention complaining about dinner.
You cook, I eat. So why do I have to hold a parade in your honor when you decide to pull out a pot?
9. Hitting you when you snore, is fair!
10. I am not complaining, it could be worse, hubby's 1 and 2 and your first wife come to mind. Love you...
This is so cool girls keep it up
bmacva, the PET RULES rock
MaryKay Rules for Men are everything we need to say to them
Had to make this call the other day...
Hello hello erm oh damn. Ok, here goes. First off, I think its damn rude to switch on the answer phone without recording a personal message to let callers know they have reached the right number. I mean right now I could be talking to poor old Mrs Jones down the road for all I know. She hasnt got a personal message on her answer phone cause she doesnt know how to go about it, I heard her asking the postman only yesterday if he could help her do one and he said course I will love but youll have to wait till my next day off on Saturday. She could have a heart attack if she heard this and itd be all your fault you know.
It took me ages to find your number and a lot of soul searching before I could actually get up the nerve to ring you. So, the least you could do is string a few words together to let us poor mortals know they have reached the right person. I must say Im very disappointed and think given your position and status in the scheme of things, youd present a more thoughtful and caring attitude to people trying to contact you personally.
I dont suppose its occurred to you, to wonder what would happen if everyone followed your example, has it? Well Ill tell you, itd be chaos it would. Wed never get anything done, all the phone calls would be mixed up, people would get the wrong messages. The whole world could end up grinding to a halt maybe thats what youre hoping for eh?
I suppose a nice quite slide back to the old days would suite you just fine, wouldnt it? Im sure youd prefer to go back to a simpler time, when everyone followed in the groove like sheep to the slaughter. Itd be a damn sight easer for you to cope with; Im sure.
Frankly, I think youve become a bit too high and mighty, to full of your own self importance if you ask me. All the trappings of fame and adoration over the years have gone to your head. Its no wonder your fans are leaving in droves, turning to exciting new icons more up to date, so to speak. And you cant blame them if they prefer something more in tune with todays world, can you?
You only have yourself to blame you know, surrounding yourself with all those stuffed shirts the way you do. You need one of them spin doctors if you ask me, theyd soon sort you out. Anyway, I suppose Id better tell you why Im ringing before the bloody tape runs out. I really just called to tell you to cross me off your list of admirers. Ive decided that Im no longer following blindly along with the rest of your faithful, (Mrs Jones of the heart attack included) who, when she hears of my decision will no doubt, take great pleasure in telling me, Im heading to hell in a hand cart. Hey ho...
By the way, if you expect to keep any credibility whatsoever, I suggest you sort out the message thing PDQ. Something simple will do like God here, leave a message and Ill get back to you. If you need a hand figuring it out then get back to me.
bmacva, the PET RULES rock
MaryKay Rules for Men are everything we need to say to them
Had to make this call the other day...
Hello hello erm oh damn. Ok, here goes. First off, I think its damn rude to switch on the answer phone without recording a personal message to let callers know they have reached the right number. I mean right now I could be talking to poor old Mrs Jones down the road for all I know. She hasnt got a personal message on her answer phone cause she doesnt know how to go about it, I heard her asking the postman only yesterday if he could help her do one and he said course I will love but youll have to wait till my next day off on Saturday. She could have a heart attack if she heard this and itd be all your fault you know.
It took me ages to find your number and a lot of soul searching before I could actually get up the nerve to ring you. So, the least you could do is string a few words together to let us poor mortals know they have reached the right person. I must say Im very disappointed and think given your position and status in the scheme of things, youd present a more thoughtful and caring attitude to people trying to contact you personally.
I dont suppose its occurred to you, to wonder what would happen if everyone followed your example, has it? Well Ill tell you, itd be chaos it would. Wed never get anything done, all the phone calls would be mixed up, people would get the wrong messages. The whole world could end up grinding to a halt maybe thats what youre hoping for eh?
I suppose a nice quite slide back to the old days would suite you just fine, wouldnt it? Im sure youd prefer to go back to a simpler time, when everyone followed in the groove like sheep to the slaughter. Itd be a damn sight easer for you to cope with; Im sure.
Frankly, I think youve become a bit too high and mighty, to full of your own self importance if you ask me. All the trappings of fame and adoration over the years have gone to your head. Its no wonder your fans are leaving in droves, turning to exciting new icons more up to date, so to speak. And you cant blame them if they prefer something more in tune with todays world, can you?
You only have yourself to blame you know, surrounding yourself with all those stuffed shirts the way you do. You need one of them spin doctors if you ask me, theyd soon sort you out. Anyway, I suppose Id better tell you why Im ringing before the bloody tape runs out. I really just called to tell you to cross me off your list of admirers. Ive decided that Im no longer following blindly along with the rest of your faithful, (Mrs Jones of the heart attack included) who, when she hears of my decision will no doubt, take great pleasure in telling me, Im heading to hell in a hand cart. Hey ho...
By the way, if you expect to keep any credibility whatsoever, I suggest you sort out the message thing PDQ. Something simple will do like God here, leave a message and Ill get back to you. If you need a hand figuring it out then get back to me.
Blond man phones wife I've ran outta petrol but I'm too scared to fill up coz of swine flu" Wife replies "that's Mexico not Texaco you daft twit"
The Hormone Guide
Women will understand this!
Men should memorize it!
Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: You sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
Women will understand this!
Men should memorize it!
Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: You sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.
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A bit tipsy after reading that..but I am happy! Thanks Beth
Cas, love your accent! Good joke!
Cas, love your accent! Good joke!
My accent! What accent? Mind you, we ad to rabbit a la mode round the dustbins when they were small. Came in real andy in the old jam jar.
Ok Cas, American here and Southern to boot..speak English! Accents I get, different languages defeat me!
Ok Cas, American here and Southern to boot..speak English! Accents I get, different languages defeat me!
Ok
but, I am speaking English, well, cockney English to be precise.
Translation coming up:
My accent! What accent? Mind you, we ad to rabbit [we had to talk] a la mode [in code] round the dustbins [round the kids] when they were small. Came in real andy [handy]in the old jam jar [the old car]
A bit tipsy after reading that..but I am happy! Thanks Beth
Cas, love your accent! Good joke!
Exercise program...
Take one Weetabix.
Take an Aero chocolate bar.
Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. VOILA....AEROBIX!!
This is an old one but funny!
Cas, thanks for the translation..lol Now what the heck is a:
Exercise program...
Take one Weetabix. (a cracker or cookie?)
Take an Aero chocolate bar. 9Choco;ate bar..got that one)
Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. VOILA....AEROBIX
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