Husband and wife are going out.
Husband, “Where would you like to go?"
Wife, "Somewhere expensive."
Husband, "Gas station it is."
Husband, “Where would you like to go?"
Wife, "Somewhere expensive."
Husband, "Gas station it is."
Best joke wins a ZMAX 510 battery mod!
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Not a joke, but pretty cool.
Try this on someone ....
Pick a number from 1 to 50 ... It has to be 2 digits and both digits have to be odd numbers ... Oh, and they can't be the same.
Even though there are several answers ... most people will pick the number 37.
Try this on someone ....
Pick a number from 1 to 50 ... It has to be 2 digits and both digits have to be odd numbers ... Oh, and they can't be the same.
Even though there are several answers ... most people will pick the number 37.
The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."
"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
I hate it when people ask, "What's the smallest size that you have ever worn?"
My response is always, "0-3 months, what about you?"
My response is always, "0-3 months, what about you?"
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 35 pounds as soon as possible due to very serious health risks.
As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 pounds as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10 pounds, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 25 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day / 5 pound weight loss program.
The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old young lady dressed in nothing but Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 pounds as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 10 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 10 pounds, as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 25 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."
A patient during a check up says to his doctor, " Doc, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do any drugs, I don't have sex and I don't eat any bad foods. How long do you think I'll live?"
The doctor replies, "What for?"
The doctor replies, "What for?"
The man was having a mid-life crisis and had purchased a new sports car.
Out on the highway he was going 70..80..90..A state trooper pass in the opposite direction.
Around the trooper comes, lights and siren going.
Faster the man goes..100..110..120.
Finally common sense preveils and he pulls over.
The trooper pull in bhind him and walks to the car.
The trooper says "Sir you were going so fast you will get jail time, howerever if you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before I'll let you go."
The man thinks for a few seconds then responds"well officer last week my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were him bringing her back"
Out on the highway he was going 70..80..90..A state trooper pass in the opposite direction.
Around the trooper comes, lights and siren going.
Faster the man goes..100..110..120.
Finally common sense preveils and he pulls over.
The trooper pull in bhind him and walks to the car.
The trooper says "Sir you were going so fast you will get jail time, howerever if you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before I'll let you go."
The man thinks for a few seconds then responds"well officer last week my wife ran off with a state trooper and I thought you were him bringing her back"
An old man sitting on his porch sees a little boy walking by with a roll of duct tape.
He calls out, "hey boy, where you goin with that duct tape?"
The boy replies, "I'm going to catch me a duck."
Old man says "You can't catch a duck with duct tape!" But a while later he sees the boy walking back dragging a duck.
The next day he sees the boy again, this time with s roll of chicken wire.
He calls out, "Boy, where you goin with that chicken wire?"
The boy replies, "I'm going to catch me some chickens."
"You can't catch no chickens with chicken wire", says the old man. But a little while later he sees the boy, dragging the wire full of chickens.
The next day, the old man sees the boy yet again, this time carrying a branch of ..... willow.
The old man yells out, "Boy.......wait up, I'm coming with you!"
He calls out, "hey boy, where you goin with that duct tape?"
The boy replies, "I'm going to catch me a duck."
Old man says "You can't catch a duck with duct tape!" But a while later he sees the boy walking back dragging a duck.
The next day he sees the boy again, this time with s roll of chicken wire.
He calls out, "Boy, where you goin with that chicken wire?"
The boy replies, "I'm going to catch me some chickens."
"You can't catch no chickens with chicken wire", says the old man. But a little while later he sees the boy, dragging the wire full of chickens.
The next day, the old man sees the boy yet again, this time carrying a branch of ..... willow.
The old man yells out, "Boy.......wait up, I'm coming with you!"
I was being a good employee and vaping outside in the same area where the smokers were. One of my fellow employees said "You aren't fooling anyone, that's the same as smoking." I turned to another employee and asked to borrow their lighter. I walked to my well educated coworker and handed him my VTR and the lighter and said "Here Einstein, you light the damn thing then"
My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole."
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped for a minute."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, anything, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm right behind you on the 7th hole."
A man had to pee really bad, and since he worked in the oil field and in the middle of nowhere he was allowed to respectfully relieve himself away from everyone else. He looked around: below him he had 4 other men, so he went up on the other side of one of the big trucks. He looked around and he did not see anyone, so he started to pee..... out of nowhere he heard "Game Warden, drop that meat!"
OH MY GOODNESS!!! I spit coffee everywhere reading this!!!::::
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasnt going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as Im sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, My, we have made an extra effort this morning, havent we? I didnt respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, Mommy, wheres my washcloth?
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.
Never going back to that doctor again .. never.
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctors office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasnt going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as Im sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, My, we have made an extra effort this morning, havent we? I didnt respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, Mommy, wheres my washcloth?
I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.
Never going back to that doctor again .. never.
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
"No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."
I think I have morning sickness...... Yep, I'm up and sick of it already.........
Internet went out at my house yesterday so I had to spend time with the family. They seem like good people.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in Minnesota.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "Ive heard enough of your stupid ... blonde jokes! What makes you think you
can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do
with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but
women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smart-... on your knee!"
in a small town in Minnesota.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "Ive heard enough of your stupid ... blonde jokes! What makes you think you
can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do
with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and
in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but
women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little smart-... on your knee!"
You know those signs you see in towns that say, " Drive Careful. We Love Our Children."?
My town has a sign that says, "GUN IT-WE'LL MAKE MORE."
My town has a sign that says, "GUN IT-WE'LL MAKE MORE."
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