CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station
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A woman entered her kitchen and found her boyfriend waving a fly swatter.
"What in heaven's name are you up to?" she asked.
"Killing flies," he said.
"Oh. Get any?"
"Yep, two males, three females," he answered.
"Oh come on! How do you tell them apart?"
"Two were on a beer can, three were on the phone."
"Killing flies," he said.
"Oh. Get any?"
"Yep, two males, three females," he answered.
"Oh come on! How do you tell them apart?"
"Two were on a beer can, three were on the phone."
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little .......s! '
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little .......s! '
That reminds me...
The husband comes home, convinced that his wife is having an affair and determined to catch the pair in the act. However, although his wife is indeed in an otherwise unlikely a state of undress, there is no sign of the man. Beside himself with rage, the husband storms from room to room turning each upside down in his search for guilty party. So it is that he is in the kitchen when he glances out of the window to see a man hurrying out of the building buttoning his coat. Without conscious thought, the husband grabs the nearest heavy object he can find, which happens to be the refrigerator, and hurls it through the window in the direction of the fleeing Don Juan. As might be expected, even anger induced superhuman exertion has its consequences and the husband promptly drops dead.
Three men meet at the pearly gates and, since St. Peter appears to be on a lunch break, they get to talking. Before long the conversation turns to the manner of their deaths.
"It's the strangest thing," says the first. "There I was, coming out of my apartment block, and some fool drops a damned refrigerator on my head."
"Oh dear," says the husband, for indeed he is the second man, "I'm afraid I was that fool. I was sure that you were my wife's lover. If it is any consolation, I immediately had a heart attack and died."
"Oh well," says the first, "I suppose we should let St. Peter decide any guilt. It would seem churlish to hold a grudge if the good Lord doesn't, and if he does then your just punishment will be upon you soon enough."
The second man nods, sadly, and the pair turn to their companion, who at first seems unwilling to speak.
"Well..." he says eventually. "I was hiding in this refrigerator..."
The husband comes home, convinced that his wife is having an affair and determined to catch the pair in the act. However, although his wife is indeed in an otherwise unlikely a state of undress, there is no sign of the man. Beside himself with rage, the husband storms from room to room turning each upside down in his search for guilty party. So it is that he is in the kitchen when he glances out of the window to see a man hurrying out of the building buttoning his coat. Without conscious thought, the husband grabs the nearest heavy object he can find, which happens to be the refrigerator, and hurls it through the window in the direction of the fleeing Don Juan. As might be expected, even anger induced superhuman exertion has its consequences and the husband promptly drops dead.
Three men meet at the pearly gates and, since St. Peter appears to be on a lunch break, they get to talking. Before long the conversation turns to the manner of their deaths.
"It's the strangest thing," says the first. "There I was, coming out of my apartment block, and some fool drops a damned refrigerator on my head."
"Oh dear," says the husband, for indeed he is the second man, "I'm afraid I was that fool. I was sure that you were my wife's lover. If it is any consolation, I immediately had a heart attack and died."
"Oh well," says the first, "I suppose we should let St. Peter decide any guilt. It would seem churlish to hold a grudge if the good Lord doesn't, and if he does then your just punishment will be upon you soon enough."
The second man nods, sadly, and the pair turn to their companion, who at first seems unwilling to speak.
"Well..." he says eventually. "I was hiding in this refrigerator..."
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Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
All men are brave,
Horrors movies don't scare them...
But.....
10 missed calls from wife-----surely does!
Horrors movies don't scare them...
But.....
10 missed calls from wife-----surely does!
Q. why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A. cus if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls
A. cus if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes.
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Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
.
.
.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
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He's now a seasoned veteran.
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
OMG!! I just found this thread/contest... 
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
.
He sighed........
.
.
.
.
.
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
.
He sighed........
.
.
.
.
.
"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
Meeting Mom
My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his hypercritical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn't tell his mom which one he intended to marry.
After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"
"The one with short hair."
"Yes! How’d you know?"
"Because that’s the one I didn't like."
My cousin was in love and wanted to introduce his bride-to-be to his hypercritical mother. But in order to get an unbiased opinion, he invited over three other female friends as well and didn't tell his mom which one he intended to marry.
After the four women left, he asked his mother, "Can you guess which one I want to marry?"
"The one with short hair."
"Yes! How’d you know?"
"Because that’s the one I didn't like."
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see, 'laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see, 'laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
Mom’s Call
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.
"Hi!" It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.
"Mom," I interrupted. "It’s five in the morning."
"Really? What are you doing up so early?"
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.
"Hi!" It was my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.
"Mom," I interrupted. "It’s five in the morning."
"Really? What are you doing up so early?"
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
Unused Gift
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it. "What are you complaining about?" he fires back.
"You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year."
Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it. "What are you complaining about?" he fires back.
"You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year."
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