CONTEST: Best Joke Wins an iTaste 134 Mini APV! - The Vapor Station

[spacekitty]

alien Sex

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stockmarket, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do,"responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 

[liblue1]

Hammering the Point Home
A judge tells the defendant, “You’re charged with attacking your boss with a hammer.”

“You jerk!” yells a voice from 
the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with attacking a bartender with a hammer,” 
says the judge.

“Jerrrrkkkk!” bellows the same man.

“Sir,” says the judge, “one more outburst, and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I've been this jerk’s neighbor for ten years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.”

 

[Killowatt]

The farmer and the State Trooper


A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.

The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are? I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer says “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, “Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s rear ?"

The farmer says, “Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s rear "

The trooper says, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, “Hard to fool them flies though.

 

[liblue1]

The Reader, The Writer, And The Lion
A lion comes across two 
men, one reading and the other 
writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

 

[spacekitty]

A couple buys this cute little dog. They take him home and two days later the dog becomes very lazy. It won’t eat, doesn’t bark, heck it doesn’t even move at all.

So the couple decides to take the dog to the Vet. The Vet looks at the dog and then lays it on the floor. He then brings a cat into the room and sets it beside the dog. The cat crawls all over the dog for several minutes and then runs around the dog four times before the Vet picks up the cat and puts him back in his cage.

The Vet then turns to the couple and says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but your dog is dead… That’ll be $225.00.”

“$225.00?,” screamed the outraged man. “You expect me to pay you that much just to tell me my dog is dead?”

The Vet replied, “It’s only $25.00 for the office visit and $200.00 for the Cat Scan.”

 

[CountBoredom]

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[sungbd]

Life without women would be a pain in the .......

 

[Ladybear]

Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere,,,,,!!!!!!!!

 

[spacekitty]

Two men walked into a bar...
.
.
.
.
.
The 3rd one ducked!!!

 

[mac63]

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

 

[spacekitty]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was...God, I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to really get screwed!”

 

[mac63]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

 

[spacekitty]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?' The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother.'

 

[mac63]

**Flight Announcement**

..Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude, the captain announced:
.."Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
..The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"

..Silence followed.

..Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom.
.."Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

..From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......
...."For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"

 

[spacekitty]

An Irishman walked out of a Bar...



Hey!! It could happen!!

 

[mac63]

A father, in a restaurant with his young son, gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizing the boy has swallowed the nickels, starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking as the father panics, shouting for help.

A well-dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a business suit sitting at the coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee, looks up, puts her coffee down, neatly folds the paper and places it on it on the counter, gets up and makes her wayacross the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

After he’s sure his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes to the woman, thanking her, "I've never seen anyone ever do anything like that before. Are you a doctor? "
"No," the woman replied, "I'm with the Internal Revenue Service.

 

[Killowatt]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,

make a doctor's appointment.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

 

[spacekitty]

A blonde decides to get a porno movie, so she goes to the store and picks one with a fairly dirty title.
When she puts the DVD in and presses 'PLAY,' the screen is fuzzy and nothing is going on.
Frustrated, she calls the store about the movie.
They ask her what the title is, and she replies, "Head Cleaner".

 

[liblue1]

The Impatient Flea
Tired of waiting in the back of the line to get on Noah’s Ark, a flea jumps from one animal to another as she moves closer to the front. She leaps and leaps until she lands on the back of an elephant. The pachyderm turns to its mate and says testily, “I knew it! Here they go with the pushing and shoving!”

 

[spacekitty]

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”