E-Cigarettes and E-Smoking Ruined My Life. [SATIRE]

Discussion in 'General Vaping Discussion' started by sdaniels, Mar 18, 2009.

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  1. sdaniels

    sdaniels Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2009
    Location:
    Manchester, NH U.S.A.
    As of late some very serious problems have come to light with e-smoking. I'm hoping that the well informed subscribers of this forum can help me and my wife return or house to a more normal status.

    Problems, problems, problems. I don't quite know where to start but since I'm typing this on my MacBook lets start with it. When I use to smoke analog cigarettes there would be a mild, yet warming film across the screen of my MacBook to sully the glare of the screen. Since switching to e-cigarettes I can't seem to reproduce this and the images appear so life like I almost drank a pint of Guinness that serves as my desktop background. The internal cooling fans use to clutter and clack, so to know they where indeed working. I cleaned them shortly after switching and for some reason they are still clean and silent. How am I suppose to know they work? I feel this situation may be fixed by removing a fin or two from the fans themselves.

    I am having similar experiences with my LCD TV though. I had a 10 minute conversation with Oprah about why and what she was doing in my house until a Massengill add finally broke the tension. I'm still waiting for an email from Sony, but I believe I may be able to smear Coke across the screen to produce an acceptable haze.

    However there are some issues I can't seem to find solutions for. As with the walls in my bathroom. When my wife would shower without the bathroom fan on the steam would produce a lovely brown tie dye effect from ceiling to floor. Now everything is just white and blah.

    Both my wife and I have Asthma, we have invested a small fortune in Albuterol, Singulair, and Advair. It has been 3 weeks since either of us has used or needed any of these products. With so many people unemployed and receiving layoffs I'm ashamed to discontinue purchasing them. Why should some innocent medical factory worker be left on the street simply because our lungs are not clogged by tar and various other carcinogens anymore. Well, actually if America would embrace and manufacture e-cigarettes I guess he/she could be employed again. Well, that's not right either... if America would embrace e-cigarettes enough to tax and tariff them they could surely provide he/she with one quarter of what he/she needs to survive. Hmm, I guess that issue could be resolved.

    On to a more serious issue... Physical Effects. My tongue is always freezing! Without the 1/8" white coat of smokers residue on it I am FORCED to put my tongue under hand dryers in public restrooms or simply place it between my palms and rub vigorously. My tongue also seems to taste things, yeah I know, CRAZY, but it does. I use to eat or drink anything. When ever asked how a meal was I would always respond "Great.". By this I simply meant that it would easily generate enough bodily energy to continue normal functions until my next meal. I was never informed that food, all food, actual has a substance in it called flavor... wow. So where's the problem... now my wife says I'm a picky a**hole and wont cook.

    The next issue still falls under Physical Effects, but has to do with my nose. Not to offend but did you realize, most people stink. It seems everyone out there has some sort of scented... shampoo, body wash, perfume, laundry detergent, fabric softener, deodorant, toothpaste, mouthwash, and/or lipgloss. People, not every scent goes together nor needs to be used at the same time. The problem, people have so many scents on them my eyes water. Don't even get me going on smokers, gag. I'm all for the romantic scent of a camp fire, but I never realized that I use to smell like the morning after everyone pissed on it to put it out.

    New issue, Sleep! I use to be able to toss and turn all night, constantly wheezing for what I was sure would be my final breath. As a sufferer of sleep apnea my wife could only rest knowing my discomfort, as I'm sure is the case in most marriages. If it wasn't the tossing and turning should could always rely on my snoring, yep, that's gone too! What am I to do?

    All kidding aside, the sleep apnea thing is not a joke. If I sleep or get turned over onto my back I stop breathing, well I should say "Use To";)

    Well, I could list more, lots more, but I feel you now have a taste of just some of the dangers involved with e-cigarettes and e-smoking. Hopefully there will be a ban in America and I can get my old life back.

    Please share your experiences too. Together we can crush these life altering menaces and return to simply being outcast and unwanted by any healthy society.

    Thank You.
     
  2. D_Struct

    D_Struct Super Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2009
    Location:
    Lufkin, TX
    Ha!

    Love it!
     
  3. castman

    castman Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2009
    Location:
    ILL USA
    Hit the head on the spot for sure
     
  4. snap6cat

    snap6cat Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2009
    Location:
    Connecticut,USA
    E-smoking has ruined me.

    First the guilt.
    I was completely faithfull to tobacco for over 40 years. In sickness and health, for richer or poorer, you get the picture. After all this time I have abandoned her for another! I am consumed with shame and guilt!

    Also I am considering actually cleaning the walls of my apartment. Do you know how much work this will be after 11 years of smoking the place up?

    David
     
  5. Smo

    Smo Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2009
    Location:
    Italy
    Nice, i actually giggled a couple of times while reading. Irony, satire and sarcasm are my fave real life humour tools, and i find it hard to convey even a single one of them on a monitor. You did well with all 3 of 'em XD

    But I think too that e-cigs are ruining my life. I keep on forgetting important stuff, like going to buy my death-sticks. And i blame e-cigs for that!
     
  6. Caesarea

    Caesarea Vaping Master ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 12, 2009
    Location:
    UK
    Rings oh so true. :thumbs:
     
  7. Can'tWaitToTry!

    Can'tWaitToTry! Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2009
    Location:
    Brentwood TN
    I miss emptying and cleaning ashtrays. And trying to figure out how to hide the burn holes in the carpet.
     
  8. Kobayashi

    Kobayashi Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2009
    I really miss burning the interior of my car specifically right above the driver side window.
     
  9. sdaniels

    sdaniels Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2009
    Location:
    Manchester, NH U.S.A.
    Don't get me started on burns. 28 years without a single incedent regarding accidental burning. No holes in the sofa, clothing, or automobile. Then finally thank goverment, came the "Fire safe cigarettes". With their bands of ethylene vinyl acetate all was well. Forcing me to draw harder, and harder to burn each wall banded within the paper until if almost by force... well, actually by force, I could break through. But at least they're safe, they are right? What is ethylene vinyl acetate (EVA) you ask, well she's the lead actress in Disney/Pixars' Wall*E. But seriously no one really knows. Why? Because the combustion toxicity of EVA has not been studied to any extent, but the combustion byproducts do include carbon monoxide, big surprise and "hydrocarbons".

    Ohhh, hydrocarbons. Hydrocarbons must be safe, they're listed as an "organic compound". Your absolutly right, we use an organic compound of hydrocarbons every single day, on our way to work, and on our way home... unless you walk or take a train, yeah that's right... you can't get away from BIG oil, your smoking in it!

    But hold on now, don't get to exited. It has to be safer than an e-cigarette, I mean no one is trying to ban regular cigarette sales... right?
     
  10. perkiekat

    perkiekat Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2009
    Location:
    Southern Illinois
    Funny!!!! :)
     
  11. JeremyJames

    JeremyJames Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2009
    so what are you doing in your avatar? is that you?
     
  12. sdaniels

    sdaniels Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 20, 2009
    Location:
    Manchester, NH U.S.A.
    No, No, that's Jack Black in Nacho Libre (2006)
     
  13. Di

    Di ECF Guru ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2008
    Location:
    *Australia*
    What a fabulously funny,
    very clever,
    and very true post,

    you should have that published in a big national paper.
    keep the original title .....

    and in the anti e-cig peoples magazine.

    I agree with every word, and I also have all those problems too.

    clever boy, very nice read.

    Di .......
     
  14. snap6cat

    snap6cat Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2009
    Location:
    Connecticut,USA
    I am gratefull we have this outlet to share our pain.

    Here are some furthur woes from e-smoking.

    I have more energy and breathe much better, people around me now expect me to acctually DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE! What a bother.

    Now that I am smokefree more women kiss me, this could spread germs and disease, causing me once again guilt and shame and misery.

    Guys, I feel your pain with the burns, I feel your pain!

    Why weren't we warned of these tragic consequences, who is to blame for ruining our lives?

    David
     
  15. QueenInNC

    QueenInNC Ultra Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 21, 2009
    Location:
    Charlotte, NC USA
    That's great!!! Very funny, but true!!
     
  16. snap6cat

    snap6cat Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 10, 2009
    Location:
    Connecticut,USA
    Why do I feel you are not taking this seriously, we need pity, and help.

    David
     
  17. Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah

    Vicks Vap-oh-Yeah Vaping Master ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 9, 2009
    Location:
    West Allis, WI
    I loved jack Black's stretchy pants line!

    Love the story, too - that was fantastic - just when I needed a laugh, too.... Don't forget that lovely feeling each morning of pulling yourself upright and trying to hock up a lung to remove the tars you inhaled the day before.... Ah, I sure miss that!
     
  18. nitewriter

    nitewriter Ultra Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2009
    Location:
    Hendersonville Tennessee
    Great posts here!

    I have to add that my driving skills have drastically decreased since I'm not having to put a mini fire out in the carpet or between my legs while going 70 miles per hour.
     
  19. KoS

    KoS Super Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2009
    Location:
    VT, USA
  20. Kristy_424

    Kristy_424 Full Member ECF Veteran

    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2009
    Location:
    USA (Michigan)
    Hmm

    The pretty 'fog' always floating through my house. It was kind of like cloud gazing, you know? Blow a little in the air to stir it up a little bit-wow. Sure was pretty.

    I miss blowing my nose twenty times every morning and my mad dashes to the corner gas station when I realized my lighter had given up the ghost. Gotta figure out a new form of exercise now.

    Speaking of which...

    Do you remember the days when it only took maybe 20 seconds to get that breathless, burning feeling in your lungs? Now I have to walk a lot farther for the same effect. And flights of stairs? That lightheaded feeling about a third of the way up, caused by heavy breathing, gone! Dang.

    I actually lost all of that 2 1/2 years ago when I stopped smoking and got addicted to nicotine gum. I'd wondered if all that old stuff would come back with e-cigs, but nope.

    Guess they're gone for good...:shock:
     
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