Facing the loss of a loved one

Discussion in 'Wellness: Wrecked & Bonkers' started by jj2, Jul 15, 2011.

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  1. jj2

    jj2 Moved On Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    I've lost several people in my life that I was not ready to let go: My Mom, my nephew, a friend that was more like a sister, and my brother. My Mom was the first and it happened way too early in life--she was in her fifties and I was in my early twenties.

    It was selfish but I would have liked to have had my Mom longer even though I knew she was suffering and was ready to go with God. I think of her often and still miss her terribly.

    As time past, I've learned it's not about what I want and, in my life, this situation is happening again.
    I read something a long time ago and the link that I provided is not it but it is close. It explains how to tell when someone you love is ready to go. I sought it out a couple days ago to dispel my doubts.

    So, when asked, like I was today, if it was okay to go, I gave my blessing. Unselfishly, I can only respect that decision, and support that decision and give her over to God's care.

    This person I love dearly and whom has enriched my life, and gave me joy.
    To my loved one: I will cherish the time left and will endure the pain of loss, and, with a crying heart, be glad when you are pain free, and are at piece with God.
    I hope this helps anyone who faces the same situation.

    Signs and Symptoms of Dying - Benton Hospice Service- Corvallis, Oregon
     
  2. gramakittycat

    gramakittycat Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    I don't think there are many who have not lost at least one loved one in their life.My mom left when I was 5 years old,my father years later,my love of my life and the father of 2 of my children;there are more but please know you are not alone and you have given your loved one the most precious gift.((((hugs)))) and may the Lord be with you and your loved one.You will be in my prayers ,Sue
     
  3. Windpray

    Windpray Senior Member ECF Veteran

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    I pray God holds you in the palm of his hand and dries your tears. Thoughts and prayers going your way.
     
  4. Fudgey

    Fudgey Chocolate Diva Guru Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    Thoughts, prayers and strength for you and your family. (((((hugs)))))
     
  5. Mary Kay

    Mary Kay ECF Guru ECF Veteran

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    JJ, my friends mom passed last week. She had been a recluse for many years and no has been doing tests on her (she had some in home care) It turns out she had pancreatic cancer that had spread to her liver. She noticed the yellow skin and called 911. Much too late.
    Her family gathered and I was there to support my friend because she couldn't accept her Mom's discission to go peacefully without any procedures or treatments. I also wanted to be there for her son, my Godson.
    It was hard for my friend to finally accept her mom's wishes and let her go home to die...which she did 4 days later. It was a Blessing to have her family including children, grandchildren, great grand children and friends in and out of the house for last last few days. There was laughter and tears and pictures passed around. The younger children were not around when she passed though.
    My friend who is very Religious and I talked it out and I told it her that sometimes the ill person feels the hand of God and knows it's time. That she had a chance to make her last wishes known and say her goodbyes. It's a rare thing and should be a comfort to her family.
    In the end the sadness is there, but the knowlege that love was shared by all was a great comfort.
    I wish you comfort and the rememberence of Love shared.
     
  6. beckah54

    beckah54 Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    jj, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
     
  7. jj2

    jj2 Moved On Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    Thanks all for the kind words and prayers. I've had this dead feeling all day and you have helped deal with it. The person I'm talking about is my MIL and DH is in worse shape than I am. We don't expect anything to happen for a bit but since she isn't eating on top of some other medical problems, I can't see it being much longer.

    DH's older brother has the medical power of attorney over her and is fighting this tooth and nail. As we were leaving, brother came in and right outside her room, he discussed feeding tubes. She heard him (nothing wrong with her hearing) and she yelp. Flat out refused but brother said he'd only change his mind after he had a shrink come in and evaluate her mental condition.
    She is having more and more times where she is not lucid but still has times where she is. She is also getting really hard to understand. She was so upset over the feeding tubes that she told us to get out. It took three attempts to get the message across but finally did.

    She is on two or three different antibiotics fighting different infections.
    Another med she is on is causing thrush in the mouth which, as long as she is taking it, will never go away. There is nothing else to give her. She is skin and bones (and I mean that literally) because it hurts to eat. She has gone from very few gray hair to all gray and her teeth look terrible too because the body is looking for nourishment. She's bruised from just bumping things, and has open sores on her legs. She's tired and in pain and we tried so hard to make DH's brother see that it is time to just make her comfortable and let her go!!!
    Right at this moment, I pray that God takes her out of the torture she is in. If it were me, I want him to take me.
     
  8. Fudgey

    Fudgey Chocolate Diva Guru Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    I hope he will understand what she really wants soon. Sorry for your struggle :(
     
  9. CarrieM

    CarrieM Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    Sorry to hear your brother in law is making a difficult situation even worse. ((hugs)) and prayers to you and DH for strength and peace to be able to deal with this.
     
  10. jj2

    jj2 Moved On Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    The last day or so has been at least united. DH has two brothers and all finally seem to realize this is the end.
    DH, son, and I went up around noon for the afternoon. She was eating lunch and having the best day since she returned to Illinois. It was still hard to understand her, but we carried on a conversation. It was a good day and a good visit.
    We left when a couple of the grand kids came in.

    Have you ever heard about the good day thing? If so, I believe it. Just got a call. After we left her, her blood pressure and oxygen levels dropped, and she is more or less in a coma. Doctor has been in and he says she probably won't make the night.
     
  11. Fudgey

    Fudgey Chocolate Diva Guru Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    Glad you were able to spend some time with her today. ((((((jj2)))))) Thoughts and prayers to your family.
     
  12. Windpray

    Windpray Senior Member ECF Veteran

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    Glad to hear the family has come together, instead of fighting, and yes indeed, I have heard of having a really good day or a couple of hours right before they get ready to go home. I am Catholic so I believe in life after death and the next world. I will keep ya'll in my prayers and will pray for a for a peaceful and beautiful passing for your MIL
     
  13. CarrieM

    CarrieM Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    Not uncommon, it's like they are getting ready to leave and they do one last rally to help the family deal with the end. My mom did that just before she passed. After I told her it was ok to go. She had a brain tumor that was literally taking over the blood supply that was supposed to be feeding the brain.
     
  14. jj2

    jj2 Moved On Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    Just got the news.

    It happened about ten minutes ago---she is finally in piece.
     
  15. classwife

    classwife Ask The Vets Manager
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    I am so sorry Jan...Blessings of peace for you all.
     
  16. leannebug

    leannebug Vaping Master ECF Veteran

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    (((((hug)))))
    You are in my prayers



    From somewhere on the coast with my wee lil iPod
     
  17. Fudgey

    Fudgey Chocolate Diva Guru Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    I am sorry (((((HUGS))))) Thoughts, prayers and strength to you and your family.
     
  18. CarrieM

    CarrieM Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    (((hugs))) Jan, prayers for peace and strength for your family
     
  19. jj2

    jj2 Moved On Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    Two older brothers are making the arrangements and we are doing the phone calls.
    I love speaker phones!!! At times we've had the land line and both cell phones going. We've had people talking to other people and all on phones. We actually had some good conversations as everyone was talking about old times. I've heard most of the stories (or lived them) so I'm doing a lot of listening, but it did the heart good to hear as they laughed.
     
  20. beckah54

    beckah54 Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

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    jj2, ((((hugs)))) I think watching someone you love suffer is even harder than letting them go. Praying for peace and comfort for you and the entire family.
     
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