Major Depressive Disorder

[Retriever]

So I have MDD. My mom committed suicide several years ago while I was in nursing school. Nursing was a second career for me. Well I graduated with my 2 year agree, being second in my class out of 80 students. I was so proud. Then I went on to try for my bachelor's degree. All of a sudden one day while sitting in class my heart sped up really fast and I could feel all the blood rush to my face. I became dizzy and thought I was going to die. So I left class and rushed home, running two red lights on the way. It was terrible. Well that was the start of my panic disorder. I had every test run that they could to rule out a heart condition.

After I was diagnosed with paic disorder the depression came. Now it is a day to day thing with me. Some days are good, while others are sheer hell. Most of my symptoms are controlled with medications, but they really numb out my emotions and I feel like I am on autopilot most of the time.

So quitting smoking has been a real effort for me. The support I have found here has been a big help. Yes, I do have problems still, but I try to take it one day at a time. Things have gotten so bad I can't even go into Wal-Mart anymore, as there are too many people to deal with. Time will tell what happens to me. Just glad I found ECF.

 

[Loveridden]

Hey Retriever, I also suffer from depression. I don't have a panic disorder but I do have some anxiety issues. Smoking was something I leaned on too. Am very glad to have found vaping, which is so much healthier, and funner too! I also went to nursing school, but got very ill and had to drop out. After I recovered from gallstones and pancreatitus, I decided not to do nursing school again, was so so so stressful!!!

 

[Retriever]

Thanks for your kind reply Loveridden, I appreciate it. You are right, nursing school is stressful. I was only 6 credits away from my BSN when I had to quit. I just lost it, and have never been the same.

 

[ego-fan]

Hi Retriever
My heart goes out to you....you know ..it is the best people who break down under pressure...you are a loving ,caring,empathetic soul..... more so than the average person
You too! Loveridden.... (what a great name by the way) ...Having been in the healthcare proffession myself for many years, I have seen first hand how the stress-level just gets worse every year.
So glad you are here
Best Wishes

 

[Retriever]

Thank you ego-fan, and also for all that you do for those you serve. I was always told growing up that I was too sensitive. I guess they were right. I appreciate your kind words.

 

[ego-fan]

No no Retriever You are not too sensitive....tou are just perfect...
.Ihe world we live in these days, badly needs your kindhearted nature, to balance out the selfishness and lack of humanitarian thinking society struggle to overcome
Hang in there, take your place in the world...you are an important part of the change towards a better future.
Best Wishes

 

[flarg]

Just wanted to say that the panic attacks will go away. Yes, it may be several years, but seriously, don't lose hope. It's amazing you were able to quit smoking and still have your head on your shoulders, so bravo to you. Medication can help significantly with panic and anxiety disorders, as can intense cognitive and behavioral therapy. But when it's really bad, of course, even thinking about going to a doctor seems impossible (especially if you have no insurance or money or transportation or... yeah, been there/still there sorta...)

All I can say from personal experience with panic attacks is that they will pass. I'm 28 now, I think my first "full blown" panic attack was when I was 15 and by age 18 I wasn't having any major attacks. 10 years later I still occasionally panic, but I can still breathe and not look like a crazy person for the most part.

And the depression thing, it will get better. I never, ever believed it. I felt sorry for the nurses and doctors who would say that to me, thinking in my head that they were delusional and that I was the only one with the silver ball to see my short bleak future. I know I wouldn't be here right now if it weren't for the right medications. And yes, there must've been something looking out for me in those times of darkness when I shouldn't have survived.

Walmart is an overwhelming place for anyone. Costco I get a migraine stepping into it (perhaps my panic disorder was replaced with migraines). If possible, shopping late at night can be very nice. Very few people in the store, and only the late night weirdo shoppers and they're always fun (though sometimes very smelly). Late night employees are also the most fun I think. They might be used to people crying while they walk down the food isles. Just blame it on allergies.