My story. I turn 59 tomorrow, I started on meds for unipolar depression 30 years ago and except for a few brief periods I've been on them ever since. At last count I've been on over 80 psych meds in thousands of combinations. I've lost count of therapists I've seen. Ten years ago I had a breakdown at work and two days later was full blown manic. Early manic episodes are better than any drug. I have never had more energy and hope and optimism. I amazed people when we met. I was incredible in their eyes. I was sleeping 2 hours a night and it didn't register. At work I lost my supervisor position and was glad I did. Stress is a person with bipolar disorders worst enemy.
Currently I'm on 3 mood stabilizers a benzo and Dexedrine. Lithium gives me tremors so bad that dripping is impossible.
Suicide attempt = 4 days in a psych ward with 15 minute bed checks. There's more.
My brother died of lung cancer 18 months ago, I was laid off a month later. Something inside of me died and cannot bring myself to look for a job. I filed for SSDI benefits and am waiting to see if I'm one of the lucky few that are approved first time. I'm a hard worker and started working when I was 12. If approved on SSDI, I can't get Medicare for two years...no insurance. My meds are $800 a month. I'll have to beg drug companies for meds and probably have to go to some clinic to see a psychiatrist. I go months at a time with suicidal ideation and it actually comforts me.
A common bipolar / depression lifestyle...If I don't have any doctors appointments or something that has to be done, then personal hygiene goes out the window. Two weeks, three weeks, I lose count. This problem was addressed on my SSDI forms.
There a very high achievers in every field with bipolar but for most of us, it's day to day.
Bipolar leads all mental illness in suicides. Twenty percent of us kill ourselves, usually during a mixed states episode.
Stigma is the worst and I hesitated posting this on a forum other than the mental health forums I belong to. I also write a blog on bipolar.
I recently told an ex-gf that I've known since high school what I was dealing with. She disappeared and didn't believe it.
Bipolar runs in families and I'm no exception.
I'll leave you with a tragic but funny story. My cousin lives in Houston and has a group of friends there. One got up one morning and drove to his favorite restaurant but decided to sit on a bench outside for a while. He was naked. Cops came and were ......, ready to take him to jail. One of my cousins friends realized what happened and told the cops he was bipolar. They diverted to the psych ward.
If someone you love has this disorder try to be patient and don't hit them with, well if you did this you'd be OK. Or if you got off those pills you'll be OK(or dead)Or if you got on pills you'd be fine(I recommend that one). If these people are very close to you, the one thing I recommend is to learn everything about the disease so you can help them. We tend to isolate, a phone call just to say, how are you, can remind us that someone cares. When we get better, we'll be there for you, too.
Thanks for reading but understand, there's no self-pity here. Just a glimmer of hope that I will one day feel like I did before mental illness took over.
Now, if I can get these wretched cartos to work.
