Today's Laugh

[5cardstud]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it contained a single line
of Coded message:

370H-SSV-0773H



Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleezza Rice .

Condi and her aides had not a clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to MI6 and Mossad.

Eventually they asked Australian Intelligence (ASIO) for help.

Within a minute, ASIO emailed the White House with
this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside
down."

 

[Wharf Rat]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

 

[5cardstud]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he .........ed into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using drugs
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop .........ing, your elbow will never get better.

 

[Katdarling]

ya Studlet.

 

[5cardstud]

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the
older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the
youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he
turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest
with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your
son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God
he didn't ask about the other three."

 

[5cardstud]

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

 

[5cardstud]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[Switched]

 

[Iken]

My brother inlaw just posted that! Hilarious!

 

[Switched]

My beloved sent me that, she knew I would get a kick out of it, now I got an ear worm

 

[SuZamme]

At least we don't still smoke!

 

[5cardstud]

At least we don't still smoke!

That's right SuZamme. And good call.

 

[5cardstud]

Here's a good laugh for you. obama is President.

 

[SuZamme]

Here's a good laugh for you. obama is President.

[/QUOTE

I'm happy about it, too.

 

[5cardstud]

Here's a good laugh for you. obama is President.

[/QUOTE

I'm happy about it, too.

I wished I could say I was happy. He's a joke.

 

[Katdarling]

I wished I could say I was happy. He's a joke.

Joke of the year, Stud. Joke of the 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years..... stop me now.

 

[5cardstud]

Joke of the year, Stud. Joke of the 2 years, 3 years, 4 years, 5 years..... stop me now.

Well aren't you a very smart lady. Nothing I like better than intelligent ladies. Oh you know I'd love you even if you wasn't.

 

[Iken]

Robin Williams Stand Up Jokes

• Why do they call it Rush Hour when nothing moves?
  
• God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
  
• Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning, bloodsucking creatures.
  
• In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say Stop, or I’ll say stop again.
  
• Coke is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
  
• Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.
  
• If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
  
• If Women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
  
• We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.
  
• You’ll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water.
• 
  
• You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time

.

 

[Switched]

Robin Williams Stand Up Jokes

• Why do they call it Rush Hour when nothing moves?
  
• God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
  
• Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose. Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning, bloodsucking creatures.
  
• In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say Stop, or I’ll say stop again.
  
• Coke is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
  
• Do you think God gets stoned? I think so… look at the platypus.
  
• If it’s the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
  
• If Women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
  
• We’ve had cloning in the South for years. It’s called cousins.
  
• You’ll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water.
• 
  
• You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) ‘It’s the same sex all the time

.

May he RIP

 

[Switched]

Here's a good laugh for you. obama is President.

I wished I could say I was happy. He's a joke.

LOL, the zinger you folks voted him in twice. I guess the joke is on yall