TT's Tall Tales

[salemgold]

You guys sure do spend a lot of time cleaning your monitors. Guess I need to spit a drink on mine one of these times and clean it up. Danged chickens.

Anyhow, yeah, my wifes mother and my wifes sister was on Jerry Springer that time because they were both married to the same nephew/cousin at the same time. I thought they would get famous over that but they never did. But they had a big fight on Jerry Springer. I got to watch it on the color television set at the Coffee shop.

One time my mother-in-law vanished, just disappeared from home. Just like that.'

A friend in town asked me 'Have you given her description to the police?'

And I told him 'No, they'd never believe me.'

 

[salemgold]

LOL, yeah, she's a real good wife. Very feminine considering her size and I'll tell ya, give that gal some turnip greens and a little possum fat and throw in a ham bone and she can fix a meal that a guy will remember for a long time. I like to take her out to dinner but sometimes its hard to get four chairs under her as she's coming down to sit.

And K5, I don't know how you knew about that cable reel. When we was on that television show Rural Front Yards I don't think they showed that. But it is handy when my cousin Enid and his brother Enid and my wife want to sit around and watch how good I am on this here computer.

You're right though. Life IS good!

 

[salemgold]

You guys got it all wrong. She's a real romantic.
I was just telling cousin Enid the other day that the last time we had a fight, when it was over she came to me on her hands and knees.
Cousin Enid said, "Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say"?
She said: 'Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel'".

 

[vaporgalinfla]

Salem - Too funny! I remember most of these posts! Just like the first time I read them, I'm laughing and tears are funning down my face. Hubby is laughing too. We need TT back asap to tell us stories.

 

[salemgold]

I know! I had a helluva time finding them but I also laughed til I cried when I found them LOL

 

[DeXTeR]

He really does need to write a book with these stories. It would sell lol. My best friend and I were working on our "101 Stupid things to do in a day" book before he passed. Bare in mind this is WAY back when I was a commercial flooring contractor and "enjoyed certain herbals" lol. I had 6 employees and Ted was my my lead man. We were driving back from a job in Lyerly GA when we crossed a bridge that had a sign that said Dry Creek and he looked over to me and said "Why don't they just call it a Big Ditch" and that's the name of the book. 101 Stupid things to do in a day: Why don't they call it a big ditch. Some excerpts.

#58: Walk up to a cop and just slap him.
#62: Get stoned and go to the grocery store.
#75: Go to a strip club your mom works at.
#76: Go to a strip club your mom work at................with money.
#99: Run a stop sign in rain with a cop watching and when pulled over he asked...You know why I pulled you over? and you answer...Yeah, you know why I ran the stop sign? What's the point in having money if you can't enjoy spending it?

Point is he really should write a book with his stories lol.

To much Scotch tonight............going to bed now lol.

 

[salemgold]

LOL Dex! I tell TT all the time that he should be paid to write this stuff

 

[vaporgalinfla]

Here's one:

A TENT!!! This is wonderful! I've always wanted one of those tents so I'd have a place to sleep when my wife is mad at me. She isn't mad at me all the time, just most of the time.

Okay all you other senior citizens. We're gonna have our own Vape Fest right out in the front yard in front of the trailer in the tent. We can vape till we're silly and maybe even stay up until 9:30 if ya'll are up to it. I got one of those music things with batteries in it so we can take it outside and listen to Hank, Sr.

I'll get us some crawdads and fix up some possum fat fried catfish and turnip greens and we can party!!! My cousin Enid and his brother Enid (that's kind of a long story, I'll tell you about it when you get here) make some real nice stuff to drink and it tastes real good if you mix it with that Fresca sody pop. I'll get us some deer jerky so bring your teeth.

Gosh, I'm so excited I don't know what to say. I'll be back with a story or two!

 

[vaporgalinfla]

Another one:

Well, actually, I bought her something pretty nice.

I saw on the color television set up at the Coffee Shop where they had these real rough rubber gloves for peeling potatoes and things like that. They were two pair for $9.95 plus postage, handling and shipping and they had a telephone number on there. So I called the number and they was only $83.10 when it was all added up.

Well, I ordered these for her to peel potatoes and skin beets and scratch my back with. They will save a lot of wear and tear on her hands because ever since she got that job at the Lube Rack her hands have been soft and smooth.

See, I am so a Sweetie Pie.

 

[salemgold]

Yep LOL The TENT is where I got some of the old stories.

 

[vaporgalinfla]

Salem - I did searches on TexasT in ecf and hardly found anything! I never thought about TT's tent thread. I found it today by accident when I was searching for images. Smart thinking to go through that thread!

 

[salemgold]

Yep, those stories were not easy to find at all

 

[salemgold]

LD, in spite of the fact that I am so thrilled to see you back here, I am soooo going to hurt you when I see you! Sex change operation huh? Actually it was ringdangdoo reduction. LOL!

And judybr, rest in a hospital? Are you serious? They were sticking needles in my beautiful bod day and night. I.V.'s, blood sugar, blood pressure at 3 a.m., filling (and dropping) plastic water cups at 4, not to mention the ladies from the lab with their great big needles ... on and on. Don't ever go to a hospital planning on getting rest! I'm exhausted from all that "rest."

Okay, first little story....

One of the Nurses happened to see my E-Power and carto sticking out of my shaving kit while I was sitting on the little plastic sofa stealth vaping. I had heard her coming and stuck it in there.

She says "what is that thing sticking out of your shaving kit?"

Well, a little bit of quick thinking and I told her ... "do you see all this hair on my chest? Well, I have a major problem with nose hair growing real fast and that's one of those nose hair trimmers and sometimes I have to use it twice a day, so I always keep it handy."

That seemed to satisfy her curiosity and after saying that my room always smelled so nice she finally wandered off to stick needles in other people.

In stealth vaping, you have to have the ability to think quickly!!

Oh, and Mrs. TT says to thank all of you for the nice birthday wishes. Like salem said one time ... we're not just a bunch of people on the internet, we really are a kind of family. I thought that was a pretty nice saying. And its certainly true!

TT

TT

 

[salemgold]

LD, I am so tickled to see you back here and having you here when I got home was a great treat for me!!

And LD, buddy, you just go ahead and keep on telling people "Yes, they are real." They certainly look real and unless you tell them ... nobody is ever going to know you've had breast implants. They really look nice and I'll bet all the girls around there are really envious.

And thanks for the pictures LD. I couldn't hang them in the living room because that preacher comes around a lot so I hung them in the bathroom.

I can't tell you how much I missed you old buddy and seeing you back here has put a smile on my face that wraps the whole way around my head!!!

TT

 

[salemgold]

So I'm in the hospital and stealth vaping under my sheets when in waddles this four hundred pound East Texas nurse and she whips my sheets back and say "son, exactly what is it your doing?"

Having to think quickly on your feet (well, on my .... in these particular circumstances) is vital to successful stealth vaping so I politely responded that I was from the Kawsaki Indian Tribe and I was performing a ritual to rid my beautiful bod of the evil boogers that had invaded it. This seemed to make good sense to her so she stuck me with a needle and said to quit doing it and left.

Seemed every time I stuck something out they were there to stick a needle in it. I got to where I was afraid to go whiz!!

So anyhow, I got in the closet. Perfect space for stealth vaping. And all those nurses came looking for me to stick needles in me but they couldn't find me until one real young lady happened to notice a slight trail of vapor escaping the closet and made me get out of there. She asked me what I was doing in the closet and I explained that I was in there talking to my friends and that they were real nice and I invited her to come in and meet them.

She gave me one of those "are you some kind of weirdo" looks and declined my kind offer. She did say that my room smelled nice though. Must have been that Caramel Cream.

I know she would tell the other nurses about the closet so I had to give that place up.

I could go in the bathroom and did frequently, but they have a key and can open that door any time they want. That wasn't any good.

So one day I'm in the bathroom and as bad as I hate to say this ... it smelled like an old dog that had been rolling on a raccoon that died a week ago and mixed with Caramel Cream. I'm talking seriously bad.

So I open the door and there stands a young fella with a pretty basket full of fruit and different kinds of nuts and goodies and he's right outside the bathroom door. So I came out and I guess the dog/raccoon/Caramel Cream smell reached his nostrils and as hard as I tried to engage him in conversation he dropped the basket and told me I was dead inside and ran off down the hall.

So I pick up my pretty basket full of nice things and it has a beautiful helium balloon with a great big smiley face attached to it and I sat reading the card and wondering where I could go and stealth vape.

Then it hit me.

They had one of those colored television sets in my room and it was in this great big, whatchamacallit, like a TV stand only real big and made out of real imitation wood. I found out that big stand was on wheels and I could move it pretty easy and it sat catty-cornered to the corner of the room.

So I fixed me up a seat bak there and pulled the TV stand back into position and sat there and vaped. It was real nice and worked good.

And when a nurse came in the room to stick another needle in me I'd raise that balloon with the smiley face on it from behind the TV set and tell her TT was off for a walk somewhere and to check back later. Most of them believed Mr. Smiley Face ... I mean like who wouldn't believe Mr. Smiley Face, and they just left and came back later.

A few of them ... it seems Mr. Smiley Face scared the crap outta them and they took off screaming.

But anyhow I got to vape my Caramel Cream and I was real happy.

TT

 

[salemgold]

Originally Posted by TexasT View Post
Well toto, you probably don't remember because you were very young when you were born, but you, SecondChance and LD and I were quads! I never understood why they named LD Lacey Day, but I wasn't consulted on that.

Now Granny salem always said I was a boy but there seemed to be some confusion among you, SecondChance and Lacey Day. There seemed to be some problem in determining which one was a girl and which two were boys. Thank goodness Cousin K-Space came along because he could always identify girls in a heartbeat.

I've done a lot of work on our family tree and the fact that Granny married your first cousin who was also your brothers sister in law by marriage after the operation and then there was the thing about Aunt Myrtle leaving town so suddenly. But its a solid family tree considering the fact that there are no roots and I've determined the shape of it to be somewhat like a telephone pole.

And the family reunions are a blast when PI, tib and Sdh show up!

WooooHooooo! Lots of fun!

 

[LordDavon]

Boy, that TexasT sure can tell some great stories! I've learned everything I know from him.

[READ: BLAME HIM!!!]

 

[Free2BMe]

GASP!! Ya mean none of these is really true and just some madeup stories by TT? Well I never...!


(note the elevator music version of Memories playing in the background)

 

[LordDavon]

GASP!! Ya mean none of these is really true and just some madeup stories by TT? Well I never...!


(note the elevator music version of Memories playing in the background)

Nope. They are ALL TRUE! He can just tell 'em in a way that only T can!

 

[salemgold]

QUOTE=TexasT;4826926]LOL, Gummy, that reminds me of a story I heard up there at the Coffee Shop.

A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation. Patti looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Now techno can spend the rest of the day trying to get that rhyme out of her head!

TT[/QUOTE]