This isn't an easy post to write; it's taken me a few days of thinking on it. How do you describe something so internal as an addiction? How can I tell you about the sadness and fear I feel when even considering totally giving up cigarettes? It's like trying to say goodbye to an old friend. Or a lover. The codependent kind that you know will eventually kill you in your sleep. Let me light a smoke first.
I'm sure everyone has a similar story. Both parents smoked around us. First coughing fit at 13 from a pilfered Merit ultralight 100. Pack a day at 15, 2 at 18, 2 1/2 at 21 or so... My entire life has been defined as a smoker, milestones marked by burn holes in car seats and breaks while going up staircases.
I'm not sure at what point recreational self destruction became addiction, I am sure it didn't happen overnight, though. I couldn't tell you when wanting a smoke first thing in the morning became needing to have one before I could function.
My grandparents owned restaurants. My parents own restaurants. To those of you out there who don't believe in fate, I live it. Nothing gets me off like the stress of the kitchen. Every few years I get a wild hair up my ... to try something new, always end up back here with the long hours, heat, fighting and making up, drinking. It's home. A cigarette break is almost mandatory here. You can tell a good cook by how fast he can suck down a cigarette and get back on the line.
The cigarette is a part of me, an extension of my hand. It's a crutch I lean on, a dependable friend. I bought my first blu in September. An ego in October. I diy, even made a few keeper recipes. I like my current set ups, non vv bottom feeders with lr 306's. Some days are better than others. Away from work I can do about 5 smokes, busy holidays at work I'll go through... Well it's more than I care to admit. Next week I'm taking the wife to St. Augustine for vacation, maybe this time it'll finally be then.
I'm not bothered reading people's success stories, my fight is entirely my own. My vaping has led to both parents trying it out, my brother has my old egos. I make juice for all of them. 2 people I work with have started vaping, one is looking for a kit, my sous chef quit totally on disposables. That's the one that makes me jealous. Then guilty. The guy's been with me for 6 years, I'm with him more than my family.
I think part of it, for me, is the trap of seeing every new, shiny toy come out every week while thinking "that's what I need to quit smoking. Once I get that, I won't turn back." On further introspection I realize that's the voice of addiction. Doesn't stop me from wanting that shiny new woodville, though.
The things we've been ingesting...
I had a rough weekend and bought a pack of cigs, I feel so horrible and hate myself. I had gone 4 days with no cigs and was so proud of myself but one bad moment and I have no will power. I am back at vaping this morning, I had a smoke on my ride to work and I am planning on sticking with vaping through the day. I seriously have no will power and cigs are my go to when I am stressed. I need to retrain my brain that vaping delicious flavors needs to be my go to for stress! I am going to give up the stinky's I hate the control I let them have and I want it to end! 
