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Well, that was random.
Stop vaping you fool.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
- Norm Crosby
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
- Lewis Black
The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.
- Eddie Murphy
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers
I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.
- Bob Newhart
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen Degeneris
Thankfully, dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses.
- Stephen Colbert
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
- Benny Hill
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- Tommy Cooper
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- George Carlin
Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.
- Dame Edna
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- Emo Phillips
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
- Bill Hicks
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg -
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