A Smile for you
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S T A T E * T R O OP E R
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
That was great! But to tell the truth..I never see any of the Seniors doing over 30mph on the free way! Oh No! I am a senior.....
My Grandpa scared the crap outta me when he drove! We went to Orlando once and he drove like a maniac, well then again he was from NY....
My mom is a speed demon, my daughter and I went to visit them and I followed her from my Aunts house to the lake.....OMG....she was driving 70 plus on a 2 lane road!!! Then later that night she was telling my cousin that she doesn't speed anymore, my daughter and I still get a good laugh out of that one 
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ... and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ... and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
Jumping On the Bed and ya gotta love women
A fifty-ish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watched her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56-year-old ...?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)
A fifty-ish woman was at home, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watched her for a while and asked, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continued to bounce on the bed and said, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56-year-old ...?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)
Three very good ones ladies! Liked them all!
Mary Kay, when I drive, the reason I put the pedal to metal is to get off the crazy freeway as quickly as possible. Ppl are nuts out there! Sometimes I'm afraid they're going to drive over the top of me, LOL. The only time I actually do anything wrong is when I come up to a stop light and no one is around. I just can't help myself, I find myself going through the light. Why not if no one is even around, right? Well sometimes I don't put my seatbelt on if I'm just going short trip - it crushes my boobs.
Mary Kay, when I drive, the reason I put the pedal to metal is to get off the crazy freeway as quickly as possible. Ppl are nuts out there! Sometimes I'm afraid they're going to drive over the top of me, LOL. The only time I actually do anything wrong is when I come up to a stop light and no one is around. I just can't help myself, I find myself going through the light. Why not if no one is even around, right? Well sometimes I don't put my seatbelt on if I'm just going short trip - it crushes my boobs.
Lipstick in School
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses/middle schoolers).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips on the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine all the yawns from the little princesses/middle schoolers).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers.. . . and then there are educators.
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