Best joke wins a ZMAX 510 battery mod!

[eric]

We're giving away an original Smoktech ZMAX V1.

Funniest joke wins. I'll determine the winner in the next 7 days.

I won't read any of the jokes until next Wednesday, that way they're all still fresh on my mind when I make the decision my mood will be consistent throughout.

--

EDIT:

WOW! This has really taken off. I swear I haven't read any of the jokes, but I'm really looking forward to it!

I'll read through everything on Monday and Tuesday, and declare a winner on Wednesday. I haven't decided whether or not we'll do a 2nd and 3rd prize yet, but with all the response I might just do it!

In the meantime, check out the website and browse our wares! We have a lot of new inventory in, including Vision Spinner 2's, Aspire Nautilus Glassomizers, Protank 3's, Aerotank 2's, and more. We also have some serious discounts on clearance items (selling at BELOW what it cost us to stock! No joke!).

Also, our eliquid is the best in the world. If you're new to VS and haven't ever order from us, be sure to check out the free sample giveaway thread here: http://www.e-cigarette-forum.com/forum/vapor-station/329822-free-liquid-samples-first-timers.html (It's on hold right now, but we'll pick it back up soon!). Or, if you'd rather not wait, check out our eliquid listings here: Best Eliquid In The Universe! (We're best known for our unique tobacco blends. If you're a tobacco vaper, you should really give us a shot!)

Look forward to reading all these jokes. I can't wait. This is sure to brighten up my Monday!

 

[eric]

Aaaaaaaaand, go!

 

[AzPlumber]

Scott.........

 

[eric]

Scott.........

I changed it when I realized I end all my sampler giveaway PMs with my full name

So, jokes!

 

[olderthandirt]

Pirate walks into a bar.

He has a ships wheel stuck in the front of his pants.

Barkeep sez "What's with the ships wheel in the front of your pants?"

Pirate sez.................

"Aaarrggghhhh. It be drivin' me nuts!"

Thank you. I'm here all week.

 

[kritter]

Farmer Evans was driving his John Deere tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. Tim a little boy of eight was playing in his yard when he saw the farmer and asked, 'What've you got in your trailer?'

'Manure,' Farmer Evans replied.

'What are you going to do with it?' asked Tim.

'Put it on my strawberries,' answered the farmer.

Tim replied, 'You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice-cream on our strawberries.'

 

[jj2]

Why do they lock Gas Station bathrooms?

Are they afraid someone's going to clean them?

 

[spartanstew]

Man: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'.

Doctor: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'.

Man: 'Is it common?'

Doc: 'It's not unusual'

 

[spartanstew]

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

 

[loxmythe]

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to crap yourself" chili.
Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your .... cheeks WILL fall off!!! Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as "Thunder and Lightning!" Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I
could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet
relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded.
I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but I didn't.
I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my "Nether Region."
Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun!!! Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal @$$-plosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my .... is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, , then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem." That of course set me off laughing again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. claim they're going to have to repaint the store!

 

[therussellv]

Old west
Comanche walks into the trading post. "Neadum toilet paper"

Proprietor "what kind?"

"What you have?"

"Well, over here we have Charmin, $1 a roll, here we have quilted northern, 75¢ a roll, and here we have generic, 50¢ a roll"

"What generic mean?"

"In means it has no name"

"Hmm, tryum generic, good price"

A few days later the comanche returns.

"Haveum name for no name toilet paper. Call him John Wayne toilet paper, cause him rough, and him tough, and him no take no s--- off no injun!"

 

[spartanstew]

''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

 

[WillyZee]

This one you can tell your kids ...

A family sits down for their Sunday dinner ... five minutes into the meal there is a knock at the door.

Dad says ... little Billy, you wanna get that? ... little Billy goes to the front door ... looks around and there is nobody there.

A couple of minutes later there is another knock on the door ... this time, Dad says ... I 'll get this.

He opens the door and doesn't see anybody ... however, he looks down ... and notices a small snail on the doormat ... he reaches down, picks up the snail and tosses it across the street into the woods.

Exactly three years later, to the day, as they are sitting down for Sunday dinner ... there is a knock at the door.

Dad says ... I'll get it ... he goes to the front door and doesn't see anybody ... however, he looks down and sees a snail laying on the door mat.

Just as he reaches down ... the snail looks up at him ... and says ...

Dude ... what was that all about?

 

[spartanstew]

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

 

[loxmythe]

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipstick,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .

WHAT THE H+LL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE H+LL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my n+ts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!


P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

 

[therussellv]

Guy goes to a psychiatrist, says "doc, I've been having strange dreams, one night I'll dream I am a tee-pee, the next night I'll dream I am a wigwam."

The psychiatrist says"that's easy, you're too tense"



Gotta sound it out guys, come on...

 

[spartanstew]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guys says "OK, now what?"

 

[jj2]

I finally figured out why single woman are usually thinner than married woman. When single woman look at what's in their refrigerator, they go to bed. When married woman see what's in their bed, they go to the refrigerator...........

 

[spacekitty]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..."


He sighed........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box..."

 

[jj2]

The reason women love military men? Its not the uniform. They can cook, clean, and make a bed, but above all, they know how to follow orders....................