Bipolar disorder. My story, smoking.

[Mookie]

Feeling suicide so young is just heart breaking. I guess I'm lucky that my depression and issues didn't start until having a child. Doc said sometimes the hormonal imbalance just messes up the brain chemistry and they know very little about it.

Flarg, I take Adderal 30 mg once a day in the morning. I feel it helps my mood also but I think its making my insomnia worse. When you take it two or three times a day, what time do you take it? Doesn't it keep you up at night if you take it late in the day?

Now I have to take a clonazepam along with my Ambien to get to sleep. Initially I lost some weight which was great but that effect seems to have worn off unfortunately.

 

[flarg]

Adderall actually helps me sleep, since it seems to calm my thoughts and not make them race everywhere this way and that. I usually take one 20mg at 10:30ish and then another 20mg by 4pm. I'm not very good at a strict schedule like some people I know, but it works for me. If I happen to not take my afternoon dose, I really notice it, and get depressed and my thoughts can go spiraling downwards and then the nights become bad. I'm a good sleeper for the most part. Though I've been through spells of insomnia in the past, so I sympathize for those struggling with it now. And thanks, Starr, for the info and I'll keep you in mind for who knows what the future holds.
Oh and yes, I'd love a rescue dog. Though I don't love the fees and sometimes absurd requirements like going to a specific doctor or training school. And I don't like being judged by an organization. But I've got rants galore about this stuff. I prefer mutts, but sometimes breed-specific rescues offer those too, and they seem to sometimes be much less costly than more general shelters. I don't know where all the free puppies disappeared to: I feel like it's a thing of the past now, and that it's so hard to give a needy animal your love.

 

[Mookie]

We went through petfinder.com to find our dog. Just went to a ladies house, filled out a form, payed a minimal fee and took him home. It was really quite simple. Good luck!

I'm going to ask my doctor about doing a split dose of adderall as I feel down in the morning before I take it and then again in the evening when it wears off.

 

[flarg]

Seeing all the animal photos on petfinder makes me smile. If I had a shopping cart on that site... hehe

 

[Via!]

just wanted to give you a *hug*, never been manic but suffered from severe depression as a child, I remember writing a suicide note at age 8. It is unbelievable and hurts my heart knowing that kids can feel that badly.

Sending you a hug back, Starrla....8 is no better than 6...it's still WAY too young to be thinking that you are so miserable that you think you should drown yourself by putting your head in the toilet..."...all I would have to do is breathe deep a few times..." Silly six-year old thoughts that mom will get mad because she might make a mess dying....an 8 year old thinks "forever" is till Christmas....

Bi-polar is as different and varied as there are individuals suffering...some common threads...racing thoughts...excessive energy, not needing sleep, risky behavior in all its varied forms...the sky high ride that feels so good..until you hit the ground at Mach 3...

I was on a Effexor/seroquel/lamictal/adderal cocktail that sent me spinning into the ozone...VERY risky behaviors....I'm glad that i barely remember exactly what I was doing....

 

[oxygen thief]

I appear to be resistant also. Doc added Adderall which helps with the depression and laziness some but it makes me so jittery I have to take more anti-anxiety meds to counterbalance. I recently tried Abilify which seemed to help the depression but I ended up having such bad side effects (just in time for Vapercon darn it) I had to go off of it. So now I'm back to 20mg of prozac and it's not helping so we doubled the dose yesterday. I see the doc next week to check in. Told him I was ready for the Dr. Kevorkian special but he didn't find that very amusing!

If you have insurance and Adderall makes you jittery consider Vyvance. It's metabolized in the gut and to me is an incredible drug. Very smooth and when they say it actually does last for 14 hours, it does. I couldn't afford it, $400 a month and went to generic Adderall XR..not bad but Vyvance was much better.

 

[zapped]

Thanks for your story Oxygenthief.i dont have bi-polar disorder but the woman I love does and its been extremely hard for her. My son (he's not my biological son but I dont call him a stepson as I consider it a dirty word) and her had been on and off the streets for years before I met them. She was actually living in a womans shelter when we fell in love.

Right off the bat, I knew she was the one for me, we stayed up talking until 4 in the morning, couldnt stop touching each other, and shared everything. You can imagine my surprise when things went south for no apparent reason a few months later.It was hard for all of us but my son and I held on and slowly she started to come back to her old self.At this time I didnt know that she was bi-polar and neither did she. She had been mis-diagnosed with borderline personaity disorder.

We went through this for a couple of years and she was always embarassed and confused when she snapped out of her episodes and I always made sure she had a place to come back to even though it tore me up inside every time she left. Gradually, I started to notice that there was a pattern to her behavior and talked her into going to see a doctor with me. I was able to explain the patterns of her up and downs, how she had been mis-diagnosed and we were able to get her on medication that helped.

We did have one hiccup when she had an adverse reaction to a medicine that was meant to give her more energy. IT DID! She was in a manic state until she stopped taking it and was like a totally different person. Her touch with reality during this time was tenuous at best. She made wild exaggerated statements that were blatantly untrue but I honestly think that she believed them at the time, bought a house on her own (with no income) and moved out of our apartment with my son in the middle of the day while I was at work.

Eventually she did come back around and the medicine appears to be working like it should. She's started college to become a Pharmaceutical technician and weve been episode free for going on 2 years now.I truly love her with all my heart and I think thats part of the key to managing this illness is surrounding yourself with people who understand and who love you no matter what. If I see her starting to get manic or depressed, we sit down and talk with no yelling or recriminations and my son helps there too because he wants to see mom healthy and happy.

Its a long road and I thank you for having the courage to tell your story here.Just remember that youre not in this alone and if you ever feel the need to talk you can always shoot me a pm.

 

[oxygen thief]

I usually try to see psychopharmacologists. Little better on the med side. Adderall and the rest are the only thing that can touch the residual anhedonia. Yes, I'm not super depressed but anhedonia, the lack of ability to experience pleasure in things that once gave you joy, is like well, it's serious. I told my doctor that stims are the only drug that wake me up through the dull dismal day of shopping or whatever. When stims work the once dull and boring is interesting again. I told him it gives me my curiosity about life back.
I'm doing OK but if I'm clobbered with stress it's like I'm not on meds, totally wrecks the train. I tell myself, even if my world falls apart I can still be happy. I practice putting worries in the background and not lugging that weight 24/7. Maybe a bit of fake it till you make it.
If you're too sick, it's impossible. But when you are better you can stretch a little further.
I've gone thirty years straight of having at least one script filled a month, usually more. Bipolar is not a short time gig. It's impossible for someone that doesn't have it to know how evil this illness is. It's relentless and sometimes absolutely terrifying. I don't like psychiatry and the drugs side effects but not getting treatment has some side effects of it's own.

 

[zapped]

I usually try to see psychopharmacologists. Little better on the med side. Adderall and the rest are the only thing that can touch the residual anhedonia. Yes, I'm not super depressed but anhedonia, the lack of ability to experience pleasure in things that once gave you joy, is like well, it's serious. I told my doctor that stims are the only drug that wake me up through the dull dismal day of shopping or whatever. When stims work the once dull and boring is interesting again. I told him it gives me my curiosity about life back.
I'm doing OK but if I'm clobbered with stress it's like I'm not on meds, totally wrecks the train. I tell myself, even if my world falls apart I can still be happy. I practice putting worries in the background and not lugging that weight 24/7. Maybe a bit of fake it till you make it.
If you're too sick, it's impossible. But when you are better you can stretch a little further.
I've gone thirty years straight of having at least one script filled a month, usually more. Bipolar is not a short time gig. It's impossible for someone that doesn't have it to know how evil this illness is. It's relentless and sometimes absolutely terrifying. I don't like psychiatry and the drugs side effects but not getting treatment has some side effects of it's own.

Ive done pretty much everything I can to take away major stressors from Jean and shes found that taking a course in stress management has helped her a lot. It helped me too even though I initially balked at the idea of hippie feel good meditation and all of that rot. Thats before I realized how stressed I was.

 

[Starrlamia]

I know I can never know what it's like having it but both family members with it are unmedicated, my dad because he has hep c so can't take anything but lithium which did nothing. I've been there through the highs and lows and it's scary and heartbreaking on the outside.

Sent from my Nexus S using Tapatalk 2

 

[oxygen thief]

My blog. Bipolar, creative, sometimes offensive, writing. Stories from the past. My absolute love for Amy Winehouse, it's all part of me. I hope to focus more on bipolar but sometimes I just make up stories. That's why random is part of the title.
click bipolar random blog

 

[peteskeet]

thank you for sharing. one question as your story seems close to lets just say someone i know, is this something you noticed early on or was it brought on as an older age. lets say something like becoming unemployed and disabled?

 

[Via!]

Thanks for telling your story too, zapped! Not many would keep working on a relationship as you have done..that is TRUE love...multiple failed relationships are one of the signatures of a bi-polar...I know I have had my share...I am fortunate that u have found a man like you, that is willing to see me thru "the uglies" because he sees the person that I am, when not in the throes of a manic binge...thank gods for the right meds! Best wishes to your family...may you always have love to sustain you...

 

[Via!]

My blog. Bipolar, creative, sometimes offensive, writing. Stories from the past. My absolute love for Amy Winehouse, it's all part of me. I hope to focus more on bipolar but sometimes I just make up stories. That's why random is part of the title.
click bipolar random blog

Oxygen...love your blog...how does one subscribe?

 

[Mikey Likesit]

My bi-polar drive me to excessive behaviors and over indulgence. Great thing about vaping for me is I can vape all day and not feel guilty as compared to cigs.

 

[Uma]

Peanut butter & cleaning supplies make me fly into a rage. Rage. Fury.
When it rains, I hear the angels sing. Marty Robbins is an angel, thank God.
When it's the heaviest & darkest, everyone I encounter are in their lightest & highest.
When it's the lightest and highest, everyone I encounter are in their heaviest & darkest.
People disappoint. I disappoint. I am a people. That depresses me, when it doesn't euphoric me.

I love you guys and gals. Thanks for sharing your deepest

 

[oxygen thief]

Thanks for telling your story too, zapped! Not many would keep working on a relationship as you have done..that is TRUE love...multiple failed relationships are one of the signatures of a bi-polar...I know I have had my share...I am fortunate that u have found a man like you, that is willing to see me thru "the uglies" because he sees the person that I am, when not in the throes of a manic binge...thank gods for the right meds! Best wishes to your family...may you always have love to sustain you...

My brother is my only family and he wants nothing to do with my illness. I went through a lot of relationships too. The more they loved me, the faster I ran away. Foe me and for them it was the right thing to do.

 

[NancyR]

My brother is my only family and he wants nothing to do with my illness. I went through a lot of relationships too. The more they loved me, the faster I ran away. Foe me and for them it was the right thing to do.

I do that too, it isn't that I don't want a good relationship, but it is like I hit this stage that they say or do something and I jump ship.

 

[Mookie]

@Oxygen and Nancy - do you prefer to be alone or would you like to have a relationship? Just curious...... And Nancy, are you bipolar also?

I'm afraid if I didn't have my husband to anchor me I would go out of my mind sometimes. He didn't really understand depression until we met. We've been married five years now and he understands it a lot more after watching what I go through. At first he was one of those who thought you could just think positive thoughts and change. I wanted to strangle him then and we almost split up over it. He now understands more about it being a chemical imbalance that I can't control. I don't think you can really understand something until you go through it yourself but at least he tries. He will talk me though lots of things or just hold me if that is what I need. I feel very lucky to be with him. Sometimes though I crave to just be left alone. He has a harder time with that but is getting better at accepting it.

 

[Mookie]

(((Oxygen))) I am sorry you brother isn't there for you. I hope you have a reliable group of friends to lean on.