Cignu's Contest Time...Make Us Laugh!!!

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Karen171

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Honesty On The Internet


Honestyoninternet-1.jpg
 

Devonmoonshire

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Davelog, that was a feat that no one has ever achieved before. As long as that Joke was, I actually sat down here for the past half hour or 45 minutes and read every single word of it. That was Epic Greatness man, EPIC Greatness. That is Officially the Longest thing I have ever read on the internet. I am very very thankful that I did too :D

Nate aka Darth Vapor
 

hairball

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One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
 

PowerofParanoia

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A couple were on their honeymoon after just being married. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub worrying about how bad his feet smelled. He had been able to hide it from his wife up until the honeymoon, but now she was bound to find out. He lamented on how to deal with the situation.

Meanwhile, his wife was sitting on the bed on the other side of the door worrying about how bad her breath smelled. She had been able to hide it from her husband up until the honeymoon, but now that they were about to be living together he was definitely going to find out about it.

The husband then comes out of the bathroom and says "I have something to confess"

His wife replies "So do I."

The husband then says "Don't tell me, you ate my socks."

Thanks for the contest!
 

sweetz

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A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says.
“Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks.
“No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.”
“Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?”
“No, and I still won’t tell!”
"Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?”
“No,” says the boy.
"Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.”

Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.” :D

Thank you for the contest, and offering an awesome prize!
 

Uncle

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miller552

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Texas Trooper stops a 90 yo woman for speeding, when asked for her DL, Registration, etc...she presents her consealed handgun lisc also...as per protocal the trooper asked her if she was packing...yes, a 9mm glock in her console...something made him feel that he should ask if there were any others...she responded yes, a 45 in the glovebox and a 380 in her purse...trooper then asked "what are you so afraid of"...she said..."Not a ......**g Thing!"
 

Psyche

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Top Reasons to Vote for Ron Paul

1. I just saved a bunch of money by switching to Ron Paul.
2. Dr. Ron Paul delivered Chuck Norris.
3. Ron Paul's tears can shrink government. Too bad he never cries.
4. Studies by the World Health Organization show that Ron Paul is the leading cause of freedom among men.
5. Ron Paul took a lie detector test. The lie detector tapped out.
6. Ron Paul doesn't cut taxes. He kills them with his bare hands.
7. Ron Paul doesn't go to the gym. He stays fit by exercising his civil rights.
8. Ron Paul delivers babies without his hands. He simply reads them the Bill of Rights and they crawl out in anticipation of freedom.
9. Ron Paul wasn't born, he liberated himself from the womb.
10. Ron Paul's idea of Gun Control is both hands on the weapon.
11. Ron Paul doesn't pee. He liberates urine.
12. The Chicken crossed the road to vote for Ron Paul.
13. Ron Paul knows dozens of words that rhyme with "orange".
14. Ron Paul gets high on freedom.
15. Ron Paul doesn't act like a patriot, a patriot acts like Ron Paul.
16. Ron Paul turned down Superman's job.
17. Ron Paul can believe it's not butter.
18. In Braveheart, Mel Gibson was originally supposed to scream "RON PAUL!" however, it was changed to just "Freedom!" for legal reasons.
19. Ron Paul named his fists "Freedom" and "Justice".
20. When Chuck Norris gets scared, he goes to Ron Paul.
21. Ron Paul could lead a horse to water AND convince it to drink, but he doesn't believe the government has the right to so he refuses.
22. King Midas shook hands with Ron Paul once. Nothing happened.
23. When socialism goes to sleep at night, it checks under the bed for Ron Paul.
24. If Ron Paul had lived in Sparta, the movie would have been called "1".
25. Ron Paul had an awkward moment at a debate once, just to see what it was like.
 

cags

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Here's to girlfriends:
A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later,
the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later,
the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later,
the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later,
the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of a hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later,
the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later,
the group of 75-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible.

10 years later,
the group of 85-years-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
 

kstraub7707

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‘A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “Shut up…you’re next!” ‘.
 

OrionLonestar

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The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. "This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart."

The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?"

"One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."

Thanks for the contest,
 

OrionLonestar

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New Year's Resolutions for HIM and HER

Her - Lose weight / Go on a diet / Drink more water
Him - One case beer per weekend (unless having guys over or Superbowl weekend)

Her - ONLY one chocolate bar per week
Him - ONLY three nights at topless bar per week

Her - Workout - Jog/Step Bench 5 times week
Him - Move furniture to find lost little black book and bedroom TV remote

Her - Subscribe to Shape/Fitness Magazine
Him - Call 1-800 number to get on Victoria's Secret catalog mailing list

Her - Go on romantic second date with Bob/Accounting
Him - Score on second date with Suzy/Marketing

Her - Get organized/clean house
Him - Give old Penthouse mags to Goodwill (or younger brother)

Her - Buy new Daily Planner
Him - Buy new little Black Book if no luck under furniture

Her - Find out name of tall good-looking guy in Finance
Him - Score with tall, long-legged Blond in Finance

Her - Read More / Less TV
Him - Buy Dish - More sports channels!!

Her - Watch quality TV with positive messages
Him - When surfing DO NOT stop on "Allie McBeal" -EVER

Her - Plan budget / Save more money
Him - Only three nights at topless bar per week
 
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