Cignu's Contest Time...Make Us Laugh!!!

[Reddhott]

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.

And I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she then says, "I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT?!"

So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

I’m thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realized that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day we went shopping at a big department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say, "OK." And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited! She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don’t think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn’t even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I’m ready to go, let’s go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don’t feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I might be having sex again sometime during the spring thaw a few years from now.

 

[VapingTurtle]

Two very older couples have a nice dinner together. After dinner, the two women go off to the kitchen to clean up, while the men stay at the table to chat:

Sid: "We went out to dinner last night and had the best meal! Oh, it was so good."

Sam: "Oh, yeah, where did you go?"

Sid: "That new restaurant down on Second Street."

Sam: "Oh, yeah. What's that place called?"

Sid: "Ya know... I can't remember... ... ... What's the name of that flower?"

Sam: "A Carnation?"

Sid: "No, no, the good smelling one."

Sam: "A Gardenia?"

Sid: "No, no, you know, the red one that you give to your lover."

Sam: "Oh, a Rose!"

Sid: "Yeah, that's it, a Rose!... ROSE, WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT RESTAURANT WE WENT TO LAST NIGHT?"

 

[cags]

Great Dog Training Advice

A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly. For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident.

Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog! I forgot to watch my dog!"

thanks!

 

[sprag]

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?
-
-
-
-
You can at least negociate with a terrorist!!

 

[quittin4mykids]

well, I cant remember jack- seriously, have the WORST memory- I trained all my kids and the dog to awnser to George, started just calling my mothers boyfriends and husbands "sam" and use the monikers "darlin, hun and sweetie" ALOT in my real life.
SOOOO the only joke I can remember is my grandmother telling me years ago:

"Hey, you wanna hear a dirty joke?"

Heck, I was like 7, sure I wanted to hear a 'dirty joke' - the kind I always had to leave the room for when they adults were playing dominoes or just sitting around telling stories and visiting.

So, she looked at me REAL serious and said "a white horse fell in a mud puddle" ...

I was NOT amused... but its the only joke I can remember...

 

[CalamityJan]

This would be more appropriate from one of the fellas... but I couldn't resist.

Misinterpretation or Improper listening

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ’I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…..

‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?’…..

 

[davelog]

Q: Why don't people ever tell jokes about Jonestown?
A: The punchline's too long.

 

[Yeah_its_me]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me. A doctor on TV said to have inner peace we should always finish things we start & we all could use more calm in our lives.


I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun prscriptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum.

 

[OrionLonestar]

okay time to bust out some Confucius says:

Confucius say: He who stick head in open window get pane in neck.

Confucius say: He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

Confucius say: Woman who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say: Man who checks out woman's package, dosen't always work for UPS.

Confucius say: When man bring wife flowers for no reason, there usually reason.

Confucius say: Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

Confucius say: Man who sit on tack get point!

Confucius say: Butcher who back into meat-grinder, get a little behind in his orders.

Confucius say: He who has a sharp tongue cuts own throat.

and finally

Confucius say: Man who fart in Church sit in own pew...

 

[CalamityJan]

Hey Martyson, this redhead has a blonde joke for ya!

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."​

But the blonde insisted saying,

"No. A bet's a bet."​

Then the redhead said,

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."​

The blonde replied,

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"​

 

[Yeah_its_me]

I told this joke over dinner when I was 7 years old......it got me grounded for two weeks. Not sure where I heard it but it apparently made an impression.

Why did Dairy Queen have sooooo many kids?

Cause Burger King could not hold his whopper!

 

[cags]

*RETIREMENT CHOICES

*YOU CAN LIVE IN PHOENIX, ARIZONA* WHERE.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face
when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and . . . /ARE YOU
KIDDING ME??!!


*YOU CAN LIVE IN CALIFORNIA* WHERE...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather
than how many miles away it is.


*YOU CAN LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY* WHERE...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park,
but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


*YOU CAN LIVE IN MAINE* WHERE...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.


*YOU CAN LIVE IN TEXAS* WHERE...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, MARY BETH, etc.


*YOU CAN LIVE IN COLORADO* WHERE...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops
at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


*YOU CAN LIVE IN THE MIDWEST* WHERE...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was
different!"


*YOU CAN LIVE IN FLORIDA* WHERE..
1. You eat supper at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

 

[MastiffMike]

Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in New York Harbor?

Answer: Because it can’t sit down
If you can't read the answer, just hightlight it with your cursor.

 

[Reddhott]

For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Johnny told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be danged if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike."

 

[ISBN]

This is how I feel everyday.​

 

[RippleInStillWater]

I typed in funny blizzard and I got this........hmmmm.........

 

[LynneK]

As the holiday spirits were flowing New Year's Eve, I thought I would share this experience about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities on our way home from social occasions over the years.

So, last New Years Eve, I was out partying with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before.... I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before!

 

[SuperLuckyLady]

You have to feel sorry for the agnostic dyslexic insomniac. He stays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

[Slowone2]

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate, he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate, he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God, you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
HAVE A BLESSED DAY

 

[cags]

RETIRED HUSBAND!!!
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately,like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get
in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves
to browse.Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months,
your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris,
are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children
shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and
screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming
the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22 : When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN! '

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting
room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'One of the clerks passed out.