Contest! Starts 9/19/12

[Tempus Fugit]

OK, T wanted me to start a new contest. I'm in the mood for some good jokes. I KNOW you all have a favorite! Post it here in this thread as your entry to win! Remember, you are posting on ECF, so let's keep it clean and friendly. NOT clean or NOT friendly will be ineligible and removed. Of course anyone doing something like that wouldn't be allowed to win anyway, regardless of what else they post. Keep 'em coming too... Ms T likes to have her computer read posts out loud to her sometimes while she is working, and a laughing T is a productive T!

One winner will be announced in a few days. We'll update the thread as we get closer to the end. "What's the prize," you ask? Your choice! Pick either a Ms T-shirt or a Ms T's canvas bag! The T-shirt sizes available are listed on the website, and the winner will be able to pick what suits him/her when the contest is over. We look forward to that blissful soreness that comes from laughing too much and too hard!!

Here are a couple to get it started (but I can't win, obviously):

1. Two hunters are out in the woods when one clutches his chest, drops, and becomes completely unresponsive. The other hunter grabs his cell phone and calls 911. He yells to the operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do?" The operator responds, "Stay calm. First, we need to make sure he's actually dead." The hunter replies "OK", there is a pause, then a single gun shot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, "OK, he's definitely dead. Now what?"

2. My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters.


Brandon
Ms T's Bakery

 

[Moody2]

So a lady walks into a bar on the 20th floor of a building. She starts drinking and a man walks up to her and says "Do you want to watch me fly" and she thinks "what a creep" and ignores him. So a few hours pass and no one has talked to her so she goes back to the guy and says "Ok, lets see you fly". So he takes out a flask and drinks from it, jumps out the window and starts flying, then comes back and she says "wow do that again" so he takes a swig from the flask and flys again, when he comes back she asks "can i try", she takes a swig jumps out of the window and falls 20 storys to her death, then the bar tender looks at the man and says "You know superman, your a real ....... when you do that"

 

[Led Hendriani]

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law the other night. When I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. 'This is the 21st century, old man,' they said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.' I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it!

 

[KnotGillty]

What's the difference between Bird Flu & Swine Flu?

For Bird Flu you need 'Tweetment'

And with Swine Flu you need 'Oinkment'

 

[starzz]

A man was in his front yard mowing grass, when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

 

[tofucute]

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."

 

[Starlight682]

ok, i'll post my sons favorite joke (he's 4 )

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence ?

.
.
.
.
Time to get a new fence

 

[ISBN]

Question: What does a Leprosy Doll do?


Answer: You wind it up and it rots.

 

[Eagle Talon]

Hi Funny peoples!

the Church:
the place where in which there are people are preaching to the heavens, who had never been there. to people who never reaches there!

 

[thehangdude]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'

 

[Cyclin]

Not dirty but says the word "testicles"... Figured you have to be 18 to be on ECF, but if it is too racy lemme know and I'll remove

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. Nurse,’ he mumbles, from behind the mask ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ’I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘No sir, they aren’t and I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely…..

‘ A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k ?'

 

[CayCay]

There's a lot of men in my family so I don't know many clean jokes.
(I am not entering since I already have a canvas bag and I LOVE IT!)

I did see this one on facebook yesterday though...

Who's guilty?
Wife: In her sleep she yells out "Get out! My husband is home!"
Her Husband: Gets up and jumps out the window.

 

[starzz]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.” And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.” Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”

Fred replied, “Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”

 

[Craftypepper]

A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."

The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

 

[ShogaNinja]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it!

 

[somejerk]

As a blonde was driving to work, the radio station was telling blonde jokes. She was fuming and angrily yelling her refutations as she drove. Suddenly, she saw a blonde attempting to row a boat in a field. She yells out the window, "It's you stupid blondes who make us smart blondes look stupid, and if I could swim, I'D COME OUT THERE AND GET YOU!!"

 

[kico166]

One day Ole, Lars & Dooda decided to go hunting.

While they were out, Dooda tripped and accidentally shot himself.

Ole & Lars were beside themselves - HOW would they ever begin to tell Dooda's wife?
They thought about it for some time ...

Finally Ole said he would do it because he was better at that type of thing.

They got to Dooda's house. Both men stood together on the front porch, took a deep breath and rang the doorbell.
When she opened the door Ole immediately burst into song:

"Guess who died in the woods today ... Doo daaa ... "

 

[yardbyrd]

What did the masochist say to the the sadist?
"Hit me!"
What did the sadist say back to the masochist?"
"No."

 

[Bookworm]

Cheesy joke coming up, but I'm partial to dachshunds haha.

Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?

He wanted to get a long little doggy.

 

[spacekitty]

Cat and Mice in Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, 'You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.'

The cat thought for a minute and then said, 'All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.'

God said, 'Say no more.' Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, 'Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again.'

God answered, 'It is done.' All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, 'Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?'

The cat replied, 'Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little meals on wheels you have been sending over are delicious!'