I don't have to watch this one. I share it with people all the time!
I hate Bob & Tom, but I love that skit!
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I don't have to watch this one. I share it with people all the time!
I hate Bob & Tom, but I love that skit!
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT .......**G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ....!"
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT .......**G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ....!"
These commercials started back in 2004, and they made a new one every year, but sadly stopped showing them recently... 
(from 2006)
(from 2006)
Another one of my faves...
(from 2009 - Actor/Singer Ricky Dominguez, Actress Donna Cherry, Ashley Abbott in the Commercial for the L.A. County Fair. Dumb Blondes ask bumper car operator (Ricky Dominguez) if he valets)
(from 2009 - Actor/Singer Ricky Dominguez, Actress Donna Cherry, Ashley Abbott in the Commercial for the L.A. County Fair. Dumb Blondes ask bumper car operator (Ricky Dominguez) if he valets)
A wife's prayer....
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
Thought for the day:
You can't, in any reasonable way, both tell people to think for themselves and be surprised that they think stupid things.
You can't, in any reasonable way, both tell people to think for themselves and be surprised that they think stupid things.
Teachers: These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers
in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
(but, boy, are these funny!).
12. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
11. I would not allow this student to breed.
10. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
9. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
8. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them..
7. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
6. This child has been working with glue too much.
5. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
4. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
3. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
2. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
AND THE WINNER IS.....
1. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week..
in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
(but, boy, are these funny!).
12. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
11. I would not allow this student to breed.
10. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
9. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
8. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them..
7. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
6. This child has been working with glue too much.
5. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
4. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
3. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
2. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
AND THE WINNER IS.....
1. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week..
I'm trying to remember this joke right.......
I don't remember if I used it before!
A newspaper assigns their new reporter to do a story about a hill couple who had been married 50 years and supposedly had only one argument. Up the winding roads he ventured until he reached their remote cabin where they say peacefully enjoying a fine afternoon. They welcomed him and he began to start asking them the question.......
"You two are known as the couple who never argues, never disagrees, but I find it hard to believe you have had only one agrument -- is this actually true?"
The old man replied, " Well, let me tell you a little story. We were young and in love but without much money, all I owned was this cabin and farm and my only transportation was horse-drawn buggy. Well, we finally tied the knot at the church down there in town and I commenced to take my new bride back home in my freshly painted buggy. As we got out of town the horse stumbled, jerking us around as we cuddled, and I said, 'That's One'. My wife asked me, 'What did that mean, darling?' but I told here its no nevermind and not to worry her pretty little head about it. We were laughing, singing -- its a long trip, you know -- and having a good old time, going up the mountain roads when about halfway up the horse stumbled again, jerking the buggy around -- and I said, 'That's Two.' My bride, extremely curious what this meant as all women get, asked again. 'Honey, what are you talking about?' but I told her it wasn't her concern and it was not a big to-do. We happily continued on our trip when a couple miles short of home the horse stumbled a third time. I hopped out of the buggy, said 'That's Three', and pulled out my rifle from under the seat, walked up to the horse and said 'You had plenty'o' warning' and shot it dead. My wife was horrifed, yelling how could I waste the money, what kind of thing was that to do, blah, blah; blah. I responded, 'Thats' One'!!!!
I don't remember if I used it before!A newspaper assigns their new reporter to do a story about a hill couple who had been married 50 years and supposedly had only one argument. Up the winding roads he ventured until he reached their remote cabin where they say peacefully enjoying a fine afternoon. They welcomed him and he began to start asking them the question.......
"You two are known as the couple who never argues, never disagrees, but I find it hard to believe you have had only one agrument -- is this actually true?"
The old man replied, " Well, let me tell you a little story. We were young and in love but without much money, all I owned was this cabin and farm and my only transportation was horse-drawn buggy. Well, we finally tied the knot at the church down there in town and I commenced to take my new bride back home in my freshly painted buggy. As we got out of town the horse stumbled, jerking us around as we cuddled, and I said, 'That's One'. My wife asked me, 'What did that mean, darling?' but I told here its no nevermind and not to worry her pretty little head about it. We were laughing, singing -- its a long trip, you know -- and having a good old time, going up the mountain roads when about halfway up the horse stumbled again, jerking the buggy around -- and I said, 'That's Two.' My bride, extremely curious what this meant as all women get, asked again. 'Honey, what are you talking about?' but I told her it wasn't her concern and it was not a big to-do. We happily continued on our trip when a couple miles short of home the horse stumbled a third time. I hopped out of the buggy, said 'That's Three', and pulled out my rifle from under the seat, walked up to the horse and said 'You had plenty'o' warning' and shot it dead. My wife was horrifed, yelling how could I waste the money, what kind of thing was that to do, blah, blah; blah. I responded, 'Thats' One'!!!!
This one cracked me up! But I'm a math geek..........
There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
But I'm a math geek..........There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match on TV.
Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes down for the count. The husband sighs and says, "I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"
The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."
Early in the second round, one of the fighters goes down for the count. The husband sighs and says, "I'm so disappointed. It was all over in four minutes!"
The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."
2nd for today....
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.
She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
first for Wed.
This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare. At first the
lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained
to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak
English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy's are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel
guilty because they are dogs.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn this is a great country.
This morning I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare. At first the
lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare". So I explained
to her that my Dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak
English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy's are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel
guilty because they are dogs.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My Dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn this is a great country.
Last edited:
Second for Wed. I apologize in advance..............a bit corny
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"That's amazing!" exclaims the doctor.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!"
The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this."
"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged.
The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Only 5 bucks. Please!!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here." The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"That's amazing!" exclaims the doctor.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!"
The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this."
"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged.
The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Only 5 bucks. Please!!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here." The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."
Alright . . . I love bad jokes . . . here's my first for today.
When God created woman, he actually created her with three breasts. The one in the middle seemed to get in the way, so the woman asked God to help her out. God removed the one in the middle and the woman asked "What do we do with the useless boob?" so God created man.
When God created woman, he actually created her with three breasts. The one in the middle seemed to get in the way, so the woman asked God to help her out. God removed the one in the middle and the woman asked "What do we do with the useless boob?" so God created man.
OK, second one . . . (man, I'm getting lazy. ) I doubt this counts as heavy artillery though.
How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They're both purple... except for the chicken.
) I doubt this counts as heavy artillery though. How are a chicken and a grape alike?
They're both purple... except for the chicken.
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