Two cannibals are eating a clown, one cannibal says to the other, does this taste funny to you?
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A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cat says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven.
God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms.
If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing.
The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life.
And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cat says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven.
God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms.
If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.'
God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing.
The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow.
God gently wakes him and asks, 'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life.
And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!'
A wife being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text...
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
He replied...
"I'm taking a Dump. What should I do?
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."
He replied...
"I'm taking a Dump. What should I do?
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Yes, I'm an evil raccoon.
Make me one with everything.
Yes, I'm an evil raccoon.
So, the hotdog vendor made the zen Buddhist "one with everything" and then asked him for $3.50. The zen Buddhist handed the hotdog vendor a $20 bill. The hotdog vendor took it, and the two men stared blankly at each other, both remaining motionless for a long, awkward moment. The zen Buddhist finally spoke and asked the hotdog vendor politely for the change, to which the vendor replied: "you of all people should know that change only comes from within"!
I asked my Wife for a newspaper.
"Don't be silly," she replied. "Borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what flippin' hit it.
"Don't be silly," she replied. "Borrow my iPad."
That spider never knew what flippin' hit it.
)
at night, when the boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris!
thank you for the contest, these are awesome to read!
thank you for the contest, these are awesome to read!
I just watched my dog chase her tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself, Wow, dogs are easily entertained.
Then I realized: I just watched my dog chase her tail for ten minutes.
Then I realized: I just watched my dog chase her tail for ten minutes.
I can not get the video to show up like every one else's but this is sooooo funny:
Drive Thru Invisible Driver Prank - YouTube
Drive Thru Invisible Driver Prank - YouTube
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