Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the
tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in
my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best......
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' while I'm reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ......
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, and my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above
the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my
body flopping all over the living room... Note: If you ever feel
compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is
no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not
let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered
conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
it originally was... My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling..
Apparently I had a major accident on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my private parts and I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the
tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect
on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't
be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in
my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting
the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best......
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, 'don't do it dummy,' while I'm reasoning that a one
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ......
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE
HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, and my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above
the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my
body flopping all over the living room... Note: If you ever feel
compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is
no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not
let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered
conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
it originally was... My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling..
Apparently I had a major accident on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense
of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my private parts and I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return!
