Just to tell everyone where I'm at right now emotionally.. and why I'm not posting here so much.
Without Chris, I don't know but I feel a little like I don't belong. I'm not saying this for people to say "Oh no you do", but he really did make me feel a part and that I belonged. So I'm feeling a little like an outsider looking in again.
Also, coming back to this thread makes me want to cry, as I miss him and this thread reminds me of him.. it's not right him not here posting.
Also, his death is making me look at my husband differently. It's weird, and perhaps very selfish.. but Chris died on my husband's birthday. My husband just turned 56 (yes, he's a little older than me) and I'm suddenly scared to death that my husband will die and leave me all alone.
My husband helps me so much, that it's to the level I don't know what I'd do without him..
Anyway, I can't type more without crying, well, I'm already crying so I can't type more without breaking down.. I can't help this terror of losing my husband, he is so close in age to Chris.
But anyway, I'm not posting much and that's why.
Love you all.. sorry I'm not me right now.
If I could wrap my arms around you!
I think some of us at one time or another felt like we were just looking in and not quite part of the group. Oh lord I did at one time. Sometimes I still do... that's not on anyone here, just my insecurities raising their stupid little heads.
I do treasure you and everyone here. If you disappear I will worry. I know you have some major crap going on in your health. God I so wish I could help you as you've helped me on my new journey.
I imagine you are feeling the same way I felt when we lost our first, Z Ghost. That absolutely devastated me. Not that each one hasn't knocked me for a loop. They have. That first one though...so freakin shocking.
We feel like we are all going to be around until we get tired of posting on the forum and just quietly leave. When real life smacks you in the face... You then realize that these people you've been talking with, laughing with,

flirting with, lending a shoulder and helping along with whatever we can... They really ARE friends. And they do die! It ... sucks and it makes all realize that you all really are human. Real people not just typed words. Truly friends.
Chak had a special gift of feeling and knowing that there are real people behind the keyboard. We all felt like he really got us from the very first welcome from him.
None of us can take his place in that.
It probably didn't help with us reminiscing about way back when.
I just wish I could convey how much you DO belong here.