Well in all fairness, as a child and then into young adulthood there was a lot of "other" external influences in life. Not all of them were drugs and alcohol used by me nor all drugs and alcohol used by others. One big influence was a step father that well, I got beaten pretty regular, made to feel worth less than nothing, even gas lighted by him. Mom, well she did the best she could but had two other boys by him and fear can often cloud lives.
Recently, went down to VA from WV, had to attend my grandmother's funeral. I mentioned something to mom about the now deceased step father having whacked me in the back of the head with a two by four when I was boy. She had no clue, either because she rather not know or she just never did realize. She reminded me that he had indeed gone to bat for me in dealing with one teacher who took a notion to have me fully pulled out of school into an institution. I think he held some grudge on mom.
I had a lot of anger in life for a while. I have learned the art of "don't give a, ..." to a degree, so anger isn't really an issue. Sure I still keep guarded and bottle up to avoid letting myself be angry. I'm learning though it is okay to a degree to be angry, it's a natural emotion and need expressed sometimes, just be careful in how it is expressed. Now, my thing is having trouble relaxing, trouble feeling enthusiasm, I get anxious easily.
But, I am learning ultimately it lies at my feet and I'm gradually becoming a lot better able to cope and manage. I don't think any of my teachers genuinely failed me. I know we had a raw deal for our HS welding class. Our second year was supposed to have been out as apprentices. That didn't happen. The tech school said it lacked funds to do that. *cough* Sure, what have ya. But no, I don't think teachers failed, so much as it was me dealing with life and life just being its usually existentially absurd self.
Did you realize all of us are accidents? Life isn't supposed to exist actually, at least that's seeming to be what some science geeks are starting to say. We're just some cosmic mistake, some kind of anomaly. *chuckles* Think I'll keep my position of "gee, I don't know."
