Are winners picked by random, or funniest?
There once was an orchestra conductor. He was not very good at his job, in fact, he was a
really bad conductor, but he loved his job. One day, he decided to add some flair to his routine by conducting with a sword, instead of a wand. He got up in front of the orchestra, started swinging the sword around, and *snick* off went the flautist's head. Now, as you might imagine, the authorities couldn't just let this go. He was arrested, convicted, and sentenced to death. On the night before his execution, the warden came to his cell to ask what he would like for his last meal. The conductor asked only for an entire bushel of green apples. When they came to get him the next morning, he had eaten them all, every one. They took him from his cell, strapped him into the electric chair, flipped the switch, and...he didn't die!
Well, as is the law, they could only "execute" him once, and so since he survived the electricity, they had no choice but to release him. "Man, that was close" thought the conductor, "I'd better be more careful, next time." For a while, no one would hire the poor conductor, but he studied, and practiced, and eventually, he landed a job teaching a middle school orchestra class. The students were poor performers, and for all his practice he was still not a very good conductor, but he did his best and they tried their hardest, and in time, came the day of the big performance. All the parents were going to be there, and the conductor wanted to make it a great show. "I know," he thought, "I'll use my sword! I'll be extra careful, and no one will get hurt this time." So the show began; the players were squeaking and squonking, and the conductor wielded his sword with gusto. He was waved it, and swung it, and *snack* off went the tubists head.
The crowd was devastated. The parents were crying, the children were screaming, and the conductor was once again jailed, and sentenced to death. On the night before his execution, the warden came to his cell and asked what he would like for his last meal. Again, the conductor asked for nothing more than a bushel of green apples. The next morning, they took him from his cell, walked him to the execution chamber, and strapped him in to the chair. They flipped the switch, there was a sizzle and a pop, and...he didn't die! Once again, the law was clear and they had no choice but to release the man.
At this point, word had gotten around. No one would ever hire this man again, and he spent his days dreaming of times gone by, and watching reruns of old orchestra performances on PBS. One day, he got a call from an agent. Attendance at the orchestra was declining, and they wanted to put on a big show to renew the public interest. They would hire the London Philharmonic Orchestra, who could play the piece even without a competent conductor. For safety, he and the orchestra would be separated by a brick wall, and a barbed-wire fence. The event would be televised, and broadcast to every television set in the world. And yes, the conductor would conduct the orchestra using his sword.
The day came of the big event. The auditorium was filled to capacity, standing room only. The orchestra was there, the cameras were there. The lights went down, and the show began. The conductor waved his sword around behind the wall, and the orchestra played beautifully. The crowd went wild. The conductor was elated. As the show went on, he became more and more excited, and he swung his conducting sword harder and harder. He became so excited that he lost control of himself, just swinging it wildly, and without rhythm. He knocked down the brick wall, and he slashed through the barbed-wire fence, and *thwack* off went the cellist's head.
Now by this time, I'm sure you can imagine what happened next. He was arrested. He was sentenced to death, and placed in a maximum-security prison to await his execution. Once again, the warden came on the night before to bring him his last meal. Once again, the conductor asked for a bushel of green apples. And once again, on the following morning, they strapped him in to the chair, flipped the switch, and somehow he survived. And once again, he was released, as is the law. He gathered his belongings and as he was headed for the front gate, the warden stopped him. "I'm sorry, sir," said the warden, "but I just have to know. What's your secret? What is it about those green apples that helps you survive the electric chair, all these times?" "Oh, it's not that," replied the man. "It has nothing to do with the green apples. I just love the taste of them." "Well, then," asked the warden, "if it's not the apples, how is it that you have survived three separate executions?" Oh, that," said the man. "Well, you see, the thing is, I'm just a
really bad conductor."
