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Make me laugh....get a FREE SmokeStik disposable

Discussion in 'SmokeStik' started by lorikay13, Mar 11, 2012.

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  1. Katatonik

    Katatonik Ultra Member ECF Veteran

    Jan 14, 2011
    Dallas, TX
    100% true, not one second of a lie:

    This lady went into mcdonalds today and ordered a big mac for her and ordered 2 mcgrittles one for each of her two kids (18 and 19 year olds). One had bacon and one without.

    After her order came in, she went to the counter furious cause the son that wanted bacon has no bacon on his and the one that didnt want bacon has bacon on his

    I fell on the floor beside her and couldnt stop laughing, so i finally stood up and asked her to repeat, thinking maybe shes drunk. I swear to god she looked at me straight faced and repeated it. Her 2 sons were beside her mad that they didnt get the order they wanted
  2. CES

    CES optimistic cynic Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jan 25, 2010
    Birmingham, Al
    LK- pleasepleaseplease give Katatonik a prize

  3. Allazar

    Allazar Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jul 21, 2011
    A man and a woman meet in a bar in Washington D.C....

    Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around,
    faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

    "Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere,
    your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

    Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?" :lol:
  4. AzIrish

    AzIrish Moved On

    Nov 23, 2011

    With only a few days away to the big day I need to begin my stretching... :beer:
  5. Northernshrink

    Northernshrink Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jan 21, 2012
    Bracebridge Ont Canada
    If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
    Can you cry under water?
    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
    Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?. Where's that extra penny going?
    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
    Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
    What disease did cured ham actually have?
    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
    If a deaf person has to go to court,
    is it still called a hearing?
    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings
    and then put money in binoculars to look
    at things on the ground?
    Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
    They're going to see you naked anyway.
    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
    If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
    why is there a stupid song about him?
    Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make
    a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a
    hole in a boat?
    Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
    They're both dogs!
    If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
    If corn oil is made from corn,
    and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
    what is baby oil made from?
    If electricity comes from electrons,
    does morality come from ......?
    Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
    Why do they call it an asteroid when it's
    outside the hemisphere, but call it a
    hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
    face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him
    for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
  6. MeowMix

    MeowMix Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Mar 2, 2012
  7. lorikay13

    lorikay13 Supplier Associate ECF Veteran

    Dec 13, 2009
    yea...I think I have to agree with you on this one CES....RFLMAO too!!!!!

    Katatonik send me a PM. Although I'm kinda partial to the Irish Yoga....hehe. drunk send me an IM too.....that will do it for the week...but don't stop posting...I'll need something to pick from on Friday!!!!!
  8. AzIrish

    AzIrish Moved On

    Nov 23, 2011
    Wow thanks that's sweet. Now time to get some sleep before the big day.


    I have a drinking title to defend


    Thanks lorikay pm on it's way and it will be enjoyed.
  9. Katatonik

    Katatonik Ultra Member ECF Veteran

    Jan 14, 2011
    Dallas, TX
    Thanks also. :)
    PM sent.
  10. scooter9o9

    scooter9o9 Senior Member ECF Veteran

    Feb 16, 2012
    Lake Conroe Texas
    The one that gets me is when someones says "im not stupid!!!" as if they would be the first to know...or,, "are you calling me stupid?" as if they are not sure....Hello!!!

    Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

    The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

    AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

    The directions said that:
    A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

    A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

    A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

    I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

    I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


    I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer,
    One note of caution:

    There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
    A three second burst would be considered conservative!

    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
    My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
    The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
    My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
    I had no control over the drooling.
    Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
    I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.
    I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

    PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!
  11. Allazar

    Allazar Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jul 21, 2011
    Real Tech Support Call:

    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my DVD out !!!
    Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.
    Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
    Customer: No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it yet. It's still on my desk .. . . sorry. Thank you.

  12. tofucute

    tofucute Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Oct 22, 2010
    When someone tells me they cannot find a document on their computer and I ask
    "Where did you save it?"
    and I get the answer
    "In Word."
  13. Cyclin

    Cyclin Vaping Master ECF Veteran

    Nov 1, 2011
    A long time ago in a desolate cubicle far, far away I worked in a tech support call center. We got stupid questions all day (such as "does my computer need to be plugged in for FarmVille to work?") every day but this is the only one I could remember completely.

    Me: So when you click on the square your Farmer doesn't harvest the watermelon? Let's try to refresh your browser page.

    Customer: Ok hold on.

    Me: (Hearing loud slamming noises) Excuse me ma'am, is your laptop making that noise?

    Customer: Well yeah, I'm trying to jog its memory.

    Turns out the lady was repeatedly slamming her laptop against the desk to make her Farmville Watermelons get picked. :p
  14. Cyclin

    Cyclin Vaping Master ECF Veteran

    Nov 1, 2011
    Oh I almost forgot, my buddy used to date this girl that we all remained friends with afterwards. Lets just say he dated her for her looks.

    (By the way she is Mexican) She claimed she was not a Latina, because she was not part black.

    When my buddy told her he was on his way to becoming a botanist, she laughed at him because "only girls can be a female gymnast!"
  15. Allazar

    Allazar Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jul 21, 2011
    More Tech support Gems...

    Tech Support: Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?

    Customer: Good afternoon, this is Martha. I can't print. Every time I try, it says . . . 'CAN'T FIND PRINTER'. I even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it!!!

    Customer: I have problems printing in red.
    Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: Aaaah . . . . . . . . . . thank you.

    Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11 store.

    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.
    Customer: Okay.
    Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes.
    Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please. . . . . . . Ah, that one does work. Thanks.

    Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Vi ctor, and the number '7'.
    Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters?

    Customer: I can't get on the internet.
    Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?
    Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it.
    Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five dots.

    Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.

    Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer . . . but, every time I move my mouse, it disappears.

    Tech Support: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first email.
    Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.

    A woman customer called the Canon help desk because
    she had a problem with her printer.
    Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
    Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine!

    And last, but not least . . .

    Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.
    Customer: I don't have a 'P'.
    Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: What do you mean ?
    Tech Support: 'P' . . . on your keyboard, Bob.
    Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

    Some people just should not own electronic devices I am afraid! ;):evil::facepalm:
  16. CES

    CES optimistic cynic Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jan 25, 2010
    Birmingham, Al
    Ok, this is long, so I'll just post the link.

    Dogs In Elk

    (LK you may have seen it before)
  17. rolandpibb

    rolandpibb Ultra Member Verified Member ECF Veteran

    Jan 31, 2011
    British Columbia
    "Knock, knock!"

    "Who's there?"

    "Eye eight map."
  18. Chillyb7

    Chillyb7 Full Member

    Feb 4, 2012
    Parts Unknown
    Real Story from Wendy's
    Cashier - That will be $7.29
    Me - Hands cashier $8 dollars
    10 second delay
    Me - Oh wait I have 29 cents.
    Cashier - It's too late i already rang you up.

  19. Cyclin

    Cyclin Vaping Master ECF Veteran

    Nov 1, 2011
    Seriously! What is with these lazy cashiers. If they took the 29 cents and handed out a dollar instead of change then the drawer count would be dead on at the end of shift anyway!
  20. Dandafixr

    Dandafixr Unregistered Supplier ECF Veteran

    Jan 13, 2012
    Missery, United States
    so my freind an i and his girlfreind were checking out his new iphone app that you point at the sky and it tells you what the stars are and get this, his GF casually asks us while we are looking up at the sky at stars "wheres the earth?"
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