New here... this looked like the best place for me to vent...

[StarryColorado]

so hubby told me tonight it was over for good. Is 4am here in Colorado. I've been crying for hours and want to make it work but I have been trying for 7 years and it never seems to work.

I lost my mom, my best friend a year and a half ago, we have (had) always been together for 43 years... I spent the last year of her life home hospicing her until she passed away by my side. She died of lung cancer and made me promise to quit smoking before she died, which of course I did. I didn't do it until a month ago and went from analogs to vaping. almost a month smoke free now finally.

I have a 6 year old daughter who is the love of my life, she is everything to me, she was there with me and saw her grandma get worse and worse from the cancer .

I tried SO hard to make things work with him but all that seems to come out of his mouth is accusations, when I try to talk about my feelings he thinks I am negative and ridiculous. He says I should be happy that I got to spend the last year of my mom's life with her but he didn't live that horror and pain, I still have flashbacks every day

He thinks I should just be able to turn my entire life and self around and just be positive all the time. I am very positive and "happy" with my daughter, and we are very close but I am also a very sensitive and thoughtful person which he thinks is negative. If I say anything against what he thinks he thinks I am starting an argument.

We try to talk, everything out of his mouth starts with "well, you...did this or did that or are this" I have been down for so long I don't even know how to get back up again, I live for my daughter and am a good mom to her but he makes me feel like such a horrible person for feeling emotion at all. There is so much more to this than I can express in this message, just I need to vent.

He's a truck driver and only home one and a half days a week, I have raised our daughter by myself and she is beautiful and happy all the time and very outgoing, we have a very close bond she's my baby girl.

I am SO tired of being judged or him wanting to change me, he has anger issues and thinks that it's okay to express them but it's not okay for me to feel pain. He thinks that I should be able to get past my pain in favor of being more spiritual. I have been spiritual for my entire life and I think that we are meant to live in this world and feel pain for a reason and that ultimately it will help me grow, I think it's better to feel it and express it than to hide it away.

Anyway, sorry for the dramatic post, just I am so sad right now and thinking about buying analogs again, I don't know what to do... since I have been with him I have gained 50 lbs, don't care about my appearance, lost all my friends and haven't made any new ones, he's very antisocial. He doesn't want to even participate in any social event with our daughter, he says they are "dumb" every time, even when she is jumping for joy. So I take her alone, every time.

I'm not saying how I am is his fault, it's my own, I just don't understand why he can't stop judging me or why he can't just love me for who I am and have a tiny bit of compassion for what I have been through.

Yes, he brings home the bacon and has to be away from home and works really hard in really difficult circumstances, but I have raised our daughter from an infant every day keeping her safe and happy and she is so happy and well adjusted in life, and he doesn't see ANY of that.

There is SO much more to all this, I just needed to vent I guess... I don't want to go back to smoking but right now I just wish I had an American Spirit cig in my house.... thanks for listening

 

[jiveman]

a cigarette is not the answer. i think you've done very well in that regard, and should stick with vaping. it's not the end of the world if you have an analog though. fortunately you can smoke whole packs of cigarettes and return to vaping without issue most times. having an analog, you may just realize how pointless smoking is when you can get your nicotine in a safer and better tasting manner.

i'm sorry for your loss though. losing a loved one in such a manner can be very traumatizing, and is of course, hard to overcome.

i can't offer much advice, since i don't know any of your circumstances first hand, but little steps always help. focus on what you can accomplish right now in trying to sort things out. grief is hard to deal with, but you have to move on the best you can. time may be kind to you, it will come.

it's great that you've raised a wonderful daughter thus far, and be happy that you are in her life the way you are. be proud of yourself for the care you give her.

if you can reconcile with your husband, that's for the best, but it sounds like you've made quite a few compromises already. it may just be beyond repair, and that is just something you'll have to work with. we can't change those we care about, they have to want to change and make things work.

i hope you find a balance in dealing with these circumstances. focus only on what you have control over. that's all you can do.

 

[doots]

Hi Starry,

It does take time to get past a lost like you had.. I know..

Keep on vaping. It is better for you.

I know there are hundreds, if not more, here on this forum that care about you and your well being.

Time does seem to heal many things so keep that in mind.

If you ever need a ear to talk to, pm me any time..

doots

 

[Nighthawk]

(((hugs))) I've been there. it stinks. What you will come to know sometime down the road is that the ending of one life (married life) also means the beginning of a new life, yours. It takes a lot of courage, but it is so worth it! Hang in there, one breath at a time. We're rooting for you!

 

[DemonCowboy]

sorry u'r husband's an ..., but it sounds to me like u'r a sensitive caring open hearted person, that makes it his loss in my book. but that's neither here nor there. as far as smoking i have no right to say 1 way or another w/o being a hypocrite either way. but i will say this. it's u'r decision, but, is doing so a decision u'd be happy with after?

i'm pretty direct and to the point so that's about all i've got to say, if u don't want to post openly the rest, but want to share it and u don't have anybody else, i'll listen if u'd like

 

[beebopnjazz]

Starry - I know it's hard for you right now. You're in a difficult situation and have been through hell already. You sound depressed to me (not that you haven't earned the right to be). Let's deal with 1 thing at a time here -

You're still grieving over the loss of your mom. There are no time lines on healing. 5 stages of grief in no particular order. There are many good books on the subject. You might also try grief counseling to help you find your way over your loss (my condolences).

As for your husband, from my personal experience, it doesn't get any better. You will continue to be his "whipping boy" until you stop taking it.

You have a wonderful little girl - enjoy her, love her and find some happiness for yourself. She will benefit by your happiness. Remember, it's better to come from a "broken home" than to live in one.

One foot in front of the other, and remember to BREATH.

Feel free to PM me.

 

[beebopnjazz]

Double post - crazy server

 

[Saintscruiser]

Starry, my heart hurts for you. I lost my mom this past year .... she had lung cancer. I'm not over that by any stretch of the imagination. Some days are better than others. It's the little things that come out of left field that you're not expecting that catch you unawares. What I do occasionally is write letters to her and daddy. There is something that helps in all of that.

As for your husband....has he ever lost a loved one? It sounds like he doesn't have a clue of what you're going through, and feels his needs are more important than anything you're going through. If he won't try to communicate with you, don't push it. I hate to say this, but the only person you can change is yourself. No amount of trying to fix anything is going to help. I've been there too. The more I tried to fix everything, the further away my husband got from me. We wound up separating and divorcing. I didn't have any children at home. I thought I was going to die of a broken heart. I moved back into my parent's house....they were both still living at the time. Many nights I'd pace in the kitchen at 3:00 a.m. I sought out counseling and that helped me a great deal because grief and loss comes in many ways...not just death. My church had counseling for free at the time. I had a great deal to work on with myself. This was just for me.

The story doesn't end there. We re-married after extensive counseling and time. Almost everyone advised against it, except our counselor. We knew it was right, and we've been happily re-married for 9 years. I have not forgotten that pain, though. Feel free to pm me. I will do my best to help you in any way I can. I'll be praying for you, Starry, and your daughter too.

One more thing....about the analogs. If it were me, that would probably have gone through my mind as well. It's our first reaction to stress.....to grab those buggers. It's our pacifier. It won't taste nearly as good as you think. Either way, no one here is going to judge you. You'll be on my heart, Starry. Remember to eat. Like someone else said, "Remember to breathe." Good advice.

 

[StarryColorado]

You guys are all amazing, thank you so much! He wants to try to work it out now but I am just so tired of this and it always comes down to this.

Beebop... You are right, I have been depressed for awhile, the last few years have tried me to my limits and all the time trying to keep up a happy attitude for my daughter.

Demon, I am very OVER sensitive, that is part of the problem, he is not. I have not seen him shed a tear over anything in 8 years, ever. He doesn't have much, if any, compassion for other's pain, though I know he has had a lot of his own

Nighthawk, I so wish I had the courage to just walk away even when he wants to make up after these "episodes" I feel so weak right now and in the past few years and I always think of my daughter first and selfishly I don't want her away on weekends, I can't stand the thought of her being away from me. He's not a horrible person, never physically abused me, he's just so shut off and has no clue about emotions.

Jive, I always want to reconcile as well, it just gets harder and harder every time, I am so exhausted with these "episodes". He is only home one and a half days a week and I am pretty sure if he was home every day that it wouldn't work out at all, but maybe I am wrong...

Saints... I am so, so sorry for the loss of your mom :'( trust me when I say I understand just how difficult it is. I also lost my beloved father 17 years ago and I thought I would die when he did, I am still struggling with that as well. My hubby lost his sister to drugs when he was young and also his step dad was abusive and his mom just let it happen (not sexually, his step dad was just a mean SOB). We go visit his parents who live a few hours from us and it feels SO uncomfortable in their home, just the energy, is NOTHING like how my family was, so loving and comforting and close, so I feel bad for him in that respect and is no wonder he doesn't understand my great love for my parents and sensitivity. I am SO glad things worked out for you and your husband. That is such a great story and it sounds like you had to do what you did in order for him to appreciate you as you should be. Please, pm me anytime if you want to talk about your mom, I will be right there with you.

And to all of you, I did grab a pack of cigs I had from a sample carton here (a menthol pack left over, and I never smoke menthol!) I smoked one of them and then brushed my teeth about 10 times in a row and still couldn't get rid of the NASTY taste in my mouth and on my tongue! I suppose I was just used to it before, but ICK! So yah, I'm Vaping with my Johnson Creek juice from now on, the flavor and aftertaste are so much better than analogs!

Thanks so much for your replies and kind hearts. It is more appreciated than you know, and so sorry for my rant, I am feeling a little better tonight but I fear I will be there again, where I was last night, and I don't want to

Huggsss to all

L