Off the Topic Humor Threads

[Vapaway]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick & bring her out of the coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure; but I think she might have choked."

 

[Vapaway]

fun on the elevator....

1) When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and
go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the
wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they
know what floor you’re on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend.
After awhile, let the doors close and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day
been?”

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up,
then scream, “That’s mine!”

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the lift and whenever someone gets on, ask
if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a twister mat and ask people if they’d like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if
they hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency
procedures and exit with the passengers.

12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t
panic, they open up again.”

15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, “Group hug!” then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering
“Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

19) Crack open your briefcase or handbag, and while peering inside,
ask, “Got enough air in there?”

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror,
“You’re one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Grinning, stare at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, “I have new socks on.”

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the
other passengers, “This is my personal space.”

 

[Vapaway]

A woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is
undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir,but your barracks doors are open".
Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few
moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper
was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran
into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.He decides to play into
her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was
open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?"
The woman responded by saying " no, all i saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle bags"8-o

 

[Vapaway]

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction."

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"

 

[Vapaway]

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3...0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate



Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3..0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

 

[Vapaway]

A diver's twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy, with no equipment, at
the same depth. He goes down another twenty feet, and a few minutes later the guy
with no equipment is right next to him. He goes down another twenty feet, and a
few minutes later, there's the guy again.
He takes out his waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell are you able
to stay down this deep without equipment?"
The other guy takes the chalkboard and chalk and writes, "I'm drowning, you idiot!"8-o

 

[Vapaway]

Some people say it's sick and perverted to be a flasher.
I think it shows a lot of balls. 8-o

 

[Vapaway]

A Buddy called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Buddy, sure is true." Responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Buddy. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' Can I sue Budwiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

 

[Vapaway]

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."




This gives a new meaning to eating crow!

 

[Vapaway]

Wife: There's a nice-looking lady at the window table.
Husband: She's a .......
Wife: How can you be so sure?
Husband: C'mon! Look at her hair, all that make-up, that short skirt, the plunging neckline, and those high heels.
Wife: But you like it when I dress like that. Do you think I look like a ......?
Husband: There's no way I can get out of this conversation alive, is there?

 

[Vapaway]

Dear Abby says that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than three times a day, and that you should seek professional help.
I have news for you Abby: The only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is IF I seek professional help.

 

[Vapaway]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check
for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady.

 

[Vapaway]

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him):

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

 

[Vapaway]

AAADD KNOW THE SYMPTOMS..... PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the t able, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys. Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

 

[Vapaway]

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.
Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.
Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
Tequila.................: Leave Shyness Behind!

 

[Vapaway]

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife's better days.

Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again.

My wife agreed. I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, "Honey, I'm home!"

"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply. "It's after seven o'clock!" 8-o

 

[Vapaway]

A mother worries that her teenage daughter is having sex and might get pregnant, so she consults several parenting websites for advice.

Later that evening, as her daughter prepares for a date, the mother sits down to talk with her. "I know you are adult enough to make the right decision about your body. But I want you to please try to abstain from sex until you're married. If you must have sex, then please use protection."

Feeling proud of herself for being so pro-active, the mother hands her daughter a box of condoms.

The daughter laughs and hugs her mother. "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating a girl!"

 

[Vapaway]

Men do like romantic movies. We just prefer to call them pornos.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a crap memory.

 

[Vapaway]

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop. A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck. "Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?" "Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit. "What the hell do you think I am -- a stunt driver?"

 

[Vapaway]

Today is International Disturbed People's Day
Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend...
Just as I've done.
I don't care if you lick windows,
Take the special bus
Or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're frigging special.